Tom Tracy

Like the parent of any two-year-old, the word "no" is pretty common vernacular in our home.  "No, don't touch that."  "No, don't climb to the top of the bookshelf."  "No, don't stick your finger in the electrical outlet."  "No, don't pull the dog's tail."  "No! Stop hitting your sister."  "No! Don't bite."  You get the idea.  Of course, we need to correct these behaviors to save our two-year-olds from the behaviors that would likely result in an emergency room visit if not for interceding.  The question is, how do we counter-balance the impact of this negative reinforcement?  In our family, we are making intentional shifts in our language to balance the negative reinforcements with positive, affirming messages.

Decision Making.  One of the things that we're teaching our two year old about is making positive decisions.  We are trying to reinforce and affirm postivie decision-making by saying things like, "Using your fork is a good decision."  Our goal is to draw attention to the specific activity and then provide praise and encouragement to give her that "feel good" moment that she'll want to receive again in the future.  Conversely, when there is an action or behavior that we'd like to see eliminated, we ask her "Is pulling the dog's tail a good decision?"  She doesn't always know the right answer, but it engages her in exploring what does and does not constitute positive decision-making and gives us the opportunity to provide information on the "why".  She has quickly embraced this communication style and has responded much more favorably than she did to us simply saying "no".  Now, she engages us in exploring if something is a "good decision" and is also quick to point out when her older sister is not making positive decisions (ha!) - "Sissy, not making good decisions."

Gamification.  We're also finding ways to make behavior shaping fun.  We're not using charts or other fancy tools - we're just using ourselves differently and in more fun ways.  In addition to the decision making communication patterns described above, we've also made up a silly new song that we sing when she engages in positive decision-making, reinforcing the positive behaviors and sending her an affirming message.  She loves her song and also loves to sing along.  The song goes like this:

"Good job, [child's name]

Good job, [child's name]

Good job, [child's name]

I'm so proud of you."

In the book by Tim Madigan, I'm Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers, he discusses how we (all of us) simply do not hear the phrase "I'm proud of you" enough.  This is a powerful message, for children and adults alike, that helps build confidence, self-esteem, and resilience.  Unfortunately, it is a message that does not get communicated enough.  Incorporating "I'm proud of you" messages into our parenting repetoire is an easy tool for all of us to place in our toolkits - whether written, spoken or sung!

Drop by our house on any day and you'll still hear the word "no" being spoken and, trust me, we make plenty of mistakes (see my previous blog post "Making Mistakes").  What I hope you'll also hear is very intentional efforts to create balance in the types of messages our daughters are hearing, where behaviors are being shaped by "No, don't do that" and "That was amazing; you're an incredible daughter and ... I'm so proud of you!"

Tom Tracy is a husband and father of two daughters through private domestic adoption. He is also an award-winning children's book author of the Scoochie & Skiddles Inclusive Kids Books Collection.  His stories are often inspired by his own family and are designed to bring greater representation of diverse families. He has been featured on CBSPhilly as well as in SJMagazine and Gay Parents Magazine.  He has also guest appeared on multiple national podcasts.  Tom's books can be found at http://www.tomtracybooks.com

I am a gay parent of two daughters - ages 7 and 2 and a half.  Like other parents, my parenthood is filled with an equal share of "heart swell" moments and times that test your emotional resolve.  But, are there different expectations of gay parents?  Are gay parents held to higher standards? 

As a gay person or gay couple ("gay" is used loosely to account for all those in our broad lgbtqia+ community), the decision to become a parent does not come lightly.  Once the excitement of deciding to pursue creating a family has subsided, there is the inevitable question of "how?"  To state the obvious, our families are not created in the same way as our heterosexual peers.  Surrogacy?  IVF?  Domestic adoption?  Foster to adopt?  International adoption?  The options can be, all at once, overwhelming and liberating.  Each option requires its own research with associated evaluation of applicable laws relating to prospective lgbtqia+ parents.  Then there is the money.  Oh the money!  Just to bring a child into our family can easily cost $50,000 or more.  Yet, we are a community that doesn't let barriers stand in our way and, when we decide to create our families, we do what we do best - we proudly find a way!

Given the determination it takes to actually become parents, shouldn't we be more prepared to be infalliable?  Alas, the answer is no. Like any other parents, we aren't handed the rule book.  Arguably, even if there were a rule book, one can never be fully prepared for how parenting a child will force you to come face to face with your own demons, your own childhood trauma, and your own insecurities.  You will make mistakes - a lot of them.

Personally, I struggle with each and every one of my mistakes as a parent.  I'm not sure if society holds me to a higher standard as a gay parent, but I know I certainly do.  I admit, I have raised my voice (ok, yes, I've yelled).  I've made rash decisions that, in retrospect, were irrational and not justified based on the situation.  I certainly have found myself not being emotionally available because of too much going on elsewhere in my life.  But, these are typical of any parent, right?  Well, tell that to my mirror who can be overly critical and send me into an inner emotional swirl.

I'm not sure that anyone can hold me to a higher/different standard than what I already do.  Any parenting successes can feel inconsequential in the face of the mistakes I make.  For me, the hardest part of parenting is accepting where I am in my own growth as a parent and forigiving myself when the inevitable mistake does occur.  I am on my own journey - being a parent has forced me to grow (even when I didn't want to or know I needed to) and I couldn't ask for any better partners than my husband and two beautiful children.  They know I'm not perfect and they teach me daily that I should love myself in the same way they love me - unconditionally.

So, back to the questions that opened this blog - are there different expectations of gay parents / are gay parents held to higher standards?  Perhaps in some arenas, yes, but the reality is that all we need to be is parents - adults who love our children and who will make some mistakes along the way.  I think that is an expectation we can certainly live up to!  

Tom Tracy is a husband and father of two daughters through private domestic adoption. He is also an award-winning children's book author of the Scoochie & Skiddles Inclusive Kids Books Collection.  His stories are often inspired by his own family and are designed to bring greater representation of diverse families. He has been featured on CBSPhilly as well as in SJMagazine and Gay Parents Magazine.  He has also guest appeared on multiple national podcasts.  Tom's books can be found at http://www.tomtracybooks.com