My Imaginary Wife

Since my 20s, I’ve generally been open about being gay except when driving through Missouri on a cross-country trip.

Now, I don’t go into Trader Joe’s or CVS and run up and down the aisles screaming “I’m gay, I’m gay.” I don’t introduce myself to co-workers or strangers as “Hi, I’m John and I’m gay” as if it were a 12-step program. I never ask the gate agent to announce it over the P.A. at the airport. But, when it comes up organically in conversation, I introduce Carlos as my husband or, if he’s not there, talk about having a husband.

Apparently, though, this isn’t enough to get the message across.

The medical community is the worst about this. Several months ago, I was in the E.R. (I’m fine now) and Carlos was with me. I filled out the paperwork indicating my sexual orientation as “Gay” and, on the very next line, my marital status as “Married.” The nurse came in, reviewed my chart, and said “Where is your wife?” then, before I could answer, she turned to Carlos and said “Who are you?”

“He’s my wife” I said, before she choked out an “oh” and walked away.

If you’ve read my blog posts, you know I was treated for prostate cancer, which included seeing a sexual health specialist where, again, I filled out the paperwork as “Gay” and “Married.” Still, the first question the nurse asked was “Approximately how many times have you had vaginal intercourse since your treatment.”

When I said “zero,” the follow-up was “And how often did you do that before treatment.” Again, “zero.”

“Oh” the nurse said, apparently surprised that someone in their 60s as hot as me (OK, I’m exaggerating) might still be a virgin. “It’s zero because I’m gay.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” the nurse said.

“Why are you sorry that I’m gay?”

“No, no, I mean I’m sorry for assuming you have a wife!”

Fortunately, just then, the doctor came in with a med student, took one look at me, and said “are you a top, bottom or vers?” I noticed his med student was quite hot and almost answered “What would you like me to be?”

My imaginary wife shows up in all kinds of other situations, too. When buying an anniversary card for my husband at Hallmark, the clerk said in a soft voice “sir, this is a card for a husband, did you mean to get one for your wife.” So not only did she assume I had a wife, but she apparently also thought I’m suffering from early senility or terrible vision.

At a craft fair, I was asked if my wife might like a hand-sewn nightgown. “Well,” I said. “My husband might find it comfortable but I don’t think it’ll do much to turn me on.”

Once, I even tried to make things CRYSTAL clear by wearing a NastyPig Sweatshirt that said “NSTYPG.” “NSTYPG,” said the guy at the hardware store. “I haven’t heard of that college.” “It’s a technical college,” I said. “They taught me a lot about railing.” “Oh,” he shrugged. “By the way, we’ve got a sale on porch swings this week. You could sit outside and have a drink with your wife.”

While my imaginary wife is generally a pain to deal with and won’t divorce me no matter how hard I try, she DOES occasionally come in handy, especially when a telemarketer calls. My husband always answers. When the caller says “Can I please speak with Mrs. Ruzicka,” he replies, in his deepest voice, “You’re speaking with her.” They promptly hang up and don’t call again.

John and his husband, Carlos, moved to New Jersey from California in 2021 and are enjoying the suburban life. John can be reached at jsr26 at msn dot com.