The Best Christmas Present

My late father loved to change the lyrics to songs and holiday songs were no exception. Growing up, I was certain that the lyrics to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” contained the lines:

“Here we are as in olden days,

Happy golden days, up yours”

We always had lots of laughs but very little serious conversation. It’s a lot easier for those identifying as men to tease friends and family members than it is to engage them in discussions of things that matter, such as telling them you love them, admitting to them that you need help with something, or talking about major issues in your life or identity.

I lived in California at the time but always looked forward to coming back to New Jersey for Christmas. California Christmases were cold and dreary, while New Jersey Christmases were … cold and dreary, but with family.

My parents knew I was gay, and my now-husband Carlos stayed with my family multiple times. Still, it wasn’t discussed directly, though both my mom and dad would, whenever we talked on the phone, ask “How’s Carlos doing?” I always gave the standard response “OK” before we’d talk about something else like the weather, TV shows, or the time difference between New Jersey and California.

They liked having Carlos visit for Christmas, but did make us sleep in separate rooms, which added a forbidden thrill to when we snuck around in the middle of the night (thanks mom and dad!).

My dad and I were both night owls so we always watched TV together after my mom, and sometimes Carlos, had gone to bed to read or listen to music.

I always asked my dad how he was doing, and he always gave the standard and expected response, “OK.” He always asked how I was doing, and I always gave the standard and expected response, “OK,” though once I think I mixed it up a bit and said “good, thanks” instead.

That all changed one Christmas Eve. I was sitting alone with my dad watching “A Christmas Story,” one of his favorite movies. During a commercial he turned to me, unprompted, and said: “You know, I’m really proud of you. You moved to California on your own not knowing anybody, got a good job, found someone and made a good life for yourself.” It was an emotional moment for us and there was so much I wanted to say to him in return but before I could say anything he was walking towards the kitchen. “You want some ice cream?” he asked. “Sure,” I said.

It's one of my best Christmas memories ever.

Happy Holidays to everyone who celebrates and peace and joy to those who don’t.

John and Carlos moved from California to New Jersey in 2021 and are enjoying the suburban life. John can be reached at jsr26 at msn dot com.