Dear Cousin Butchie,

I honestly never thought I would write to you for advice, but this problem has me going totally crazy.

I am a freshman at a local university which I will not name (but President Obama will be the graduation speaker L.O.L.). My problem all year has been a roommate from hell. When I first met him, I thought he was okay. He is also gay and out of the closet, but he's not like any other gay man I have ever met. He doesn't seem to ever consider that we share the same room. The result is that he will use all the hot water when he showers, snores like a buzz saw, farts at any time, asks me to leave when he has a playmate coming over. When I request the same courtesy, he makes certain that his half of the room looks like a garbage dump. I have had to do most of my studying at the library and I also have to hide any beer or it will be stolen by this roomie.

How can I make sure this kind of situation isn't repeated next year? I want to remain somewhat friendly with him, but I cannot handle having him as my inconsiderate and filthy roomie.

Felix Unger Type


Dear Felix Unger Type,

I can understand the problem you have with your roommate. If you are really the "Felix Unger" type, the roommate would have to be far removed from the Oscar Madison "type" for you to cohabitate peacefully. In other words, he may not be as bad as it seems, but that's a moot point.

I believe every dorm has a monitor or a dude who handles situations like yours-- and ones far worse. Tell him now that you would appreciate his help in getting a better roommate for next semester.

Should you arrive next semester and find you have the same roomie (not a likely happening), ask for a transfer as soon as possible. Don't wait until you become unhinged again.