Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am disabled due to M.S. I am retired and unable to work. My choices were: Move home with my parents, move into assistaed living, or stay in my home and pay someone to help me.

I chose the third. After many interviews, mostly women, I chose a man who had just lost his partner and the bank was taking his home.

We fell in love after about a year. Now, he works two jobs, does not want my money and buys all the groceries. He is never home and I have told him this is unacceptable, and he just laughs. Now, if I buy something, he yells at me for blowing money. He has nothing to do with my money.

I don't love him anymore, but I need him to clean the house, take care of my property, and do the grocery shopping. He has a terrible temper and I don't know what will happen if I tell him I just want to be friends.

Any suggestions?

R.D.


Dear R.D.,

Your situation seems difficult but by no means impossible to solve. You do not love this man anymore, and that is a key element here. I am assuming that any sexual component of this arrangement is totally unsatisfactory or non-existent.  

You have chosen your third option in dealing with your entire life situation. I would advise you to sell your home and go into an assisted living facility. I know of one which is anxious to welcome more LGBT people, and I believe there must be others.  

If you fear any violence from your "partner" I suggest you tell him that he must see a counselor or mediator with you. Have a friend (or anyone you know) to be with you when you have the initial discussion.

What you are experiencing is abuse, and you don't ever need your disability to define you. He may be counting on that, but you are fortunate to have the finances and the home sale to add to that.

R.D., think about this rationally and see if you are receiving any respect, help or love from this man.  

If you fear abuse, you can contact the Division of Aged and Disabled Services in your county. A caseworker will take on this situation and look out for your best interests. You just need to be positive that you want to end this situation. In my opinion, I would throw him under the bus.