Dear Cousin Butchie,

I just exited the closet about eight months ago, and I'm finding that there are some aspects about gay dating which are not cool at all. My past experience was with girls and I was 14 or 15 at that time. Like, we were friends and we dated, and we remained friends and dated again. The girls were pleased that I wasn't hitting on them for anything more than a dance. And their parents loved me because they didn't need to worry that I was manhandling their daughters or trying to force sex on them.

Now that I am out of the closet, the girls are still my friends. The problem is that the guys I date are very different from the girls. LOL, in the obvious ways, but also when it comes down to the physical part of a date. So often, the date goes well, we share some laughs, talk about every subject under the sun, etc. The "etc" is that often we violate Cousin Butchie's suggestion that we stay dressed and keep our hormones from taking over. And you have always said that a guy should have a condom or two with him just in case it's needed.

I can spare you the juicy details about how really hot it has been getting to know the other dude in a romanctic and erotic way. No, I never went this far with girls I dated because I wasn't attracted to them in the same way.

Here's the problem. Once I have slept with another dude chances are I never hear from him again OR I know he is going out of his way to avoid me at school and everywhere else. Several have given me fake phone numbers. It's not like anything horrible has happened, but it seems they want to move on to their next "crush" and add me to the list of dudes he has scored with. Am I exaggerating or just telling you what always happens?

Forgotten About

 
Dear Forgotten About,

I would not accuse you of exaggerating this situation, and I admit that what you described is more common in dates with other dudes than it is with the  dates of straight couples, and with the dating of two women.

I remember hearing a joke when I was still in the pre-school sandbox.  It went like this:

What does a lesbian bring on the second date? A U-Haul truck.

What does a gay man bring on the second date?  What second date???

Looking back a few years, Cousin Butchie remembers that other boys were always driven a lot by sex. Even if it was good, they wanted to go forward and try it with another boy. It was a typical pattern followed by some gay, bi, straight and experimenting boys. It is conduct which seems to illustrate both insecurity and lack of maturity. HOW MUCH MATURITY CAN BE EXPECTED FROM BOYS WHO PROBABLY DON'T EVEN SHAVE YET IS A REASONABLE QUESTION.

My advice for any young gay dudes (such as yourself and any gay men under the age of 80!) is to slow down a little and determine what kind of date you'll be having with the other dude. You will probably have heard rumors and boasts and bragging from the other dude or others who know him (in the biblical sense). If it's your honest intention to become intimate, make sure you have condoms. A very revealing fact about men who date just for sex is that he will only be concerned about the pleasure he has and he could care less about his partner.

Writing or speaking as I have in this response can be dangerous. Some parents and other older people assume that "true love waits" and that often their children will not sexually act out the way these parents did themselves.

Uncle Butchie did have sex on the first date. OMG! Strike that from the record! No one would believe that Cousin Butchie could have stooped to such depraved and pagan conduct! The truth is that it was not something I intended to do, but the hot and horny dictates of one hormone driven teenager with another dude who acted much the same... like a dog in heat took both of us by surprise... but it was an ever so  happy a version of surprise. We were in Cousin Butchie's basement playing with some awesome model trains setups, so naturally we both felt the need to check to see if the other's jeans were zipped. Unfortunately they were zipped, so some direct action was needed. The rest of the evening is history. We awkwardly did the deed and actually kissed. Then we didn't see each other again for six months.

So, where has all of this "advice" brought us? If you are in the early years of adolescence and want to "mess around" with another dude, no one can really stop you. You will know where to make sure you have privacy. Quite possibly, you may not see the other dude again for a long time. OR you may have seemed to have found real love. Gradually you will know if he's right for you at this time in your life. AND if he disappears from your life, be thankful that it happened so early in your life. You will have learned a big lesson-- something which can only be learned through experience... or trial and error as it might be called.

So, Mr. Forgotten About... you have asked Cousin Butchie a question which suffers somewhat in the translation. I have tried to be as honest as possible, but the answer is not a "one size fits all" response.  

Keep me in the loop as this situation unfolds for you. Once you write to Uncle Butchie it makes you part of the family so a progress report would be fabulous.