Dear Cousin Butchie,

I know that my gay brother reads your column and talks about it with his friends. I'm hoping you will hear me out and offer some sensible advice or consolation. I have never had a problem when my brother came out of the closet when he was 14 years old. He actually came out to me first at 12 and didn't tell our parents until he was 14. I am just two years older, and I do love my little brother. I can also confess that I am very attracted to some of his gay friends, but they are not attracted to me. I mean, they are cool with me, but they treat me like just a sister.

Our parents are the real problem. Since little bro came out to them, they have jumped completely into the gay scene. They attend meetings of PFLAG(Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and attend pride marches. It seems that every other sentence concerns LGBT people, their parents or their latest advocacy project. Well, here I am, their daughter Eloise, and I don't feel that they show any interest in me at all. I do well in school and have some good friends, but I never believe that my parents want to pay any attention to anything I'm involved with. If it means writing a check, they'll do it, if it means attending one of my plays or recitals, they often go, but their body language shows that they are really just doing me a big favor.

I have tried to discuss all of this with my brother, and he thinks I am jealous and acting stupid. He then said something that ticked me off so much that I decided to write for your opinion. Little bro said that if I craved attention so much, I should come out as a lesbian! Is he screwed up or what?

Thank you,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

I can feel your pain and angst. I think that your parents are wonderful in their acceptance of your brother's sexual orientation. Even today, in some homes, this is not the way things go. I don't think they are intentionally showing you less attention, but since they want to make your brother feel certain of their understanding and support, they have jumped into the "accepting parents of a gay child" mode. I think you might be a little jealous or unhappy because your brother's life seems more important than yours which is not the case. They have not abandoned you, and they do attend your shows and recitals. I'm not sure how their body language gives you the feeling that they are just doing you a favor. How does body language show that?

Since you asked for my opinion, I suggest you immediately find a time when you can talk to both of your parents. Do it when your brother is at the mall, on a date, or cruising for one. Tell your parents how you feel. I think it's a good bet that they will realize some degree of validity in what you are saying. This will clear the air and you'll be able to mention whenever you are feeling ignored. I might also add that your challenges and problems as children were not equal. You were probably the ideal child who never presented your parents with much concern.  Your gay brother on the other hand, probably presented some problems and worried your parents. When a gay person realizes he or she is LGBT, it takes a lot of anguish and fear to come out. Even with the best families, there is usually some history of the LGBT child exhibiting conduct problems or isolating from friends and family. The child cannot easily be convinced that the parents will be accepting and supportive.

Eloise, I also think your brother had a great deal of love and trust in you or he would not have told you before he told your parents. In some families, the sibling doesn't act nearly as well as you did. I suggest that you have that conversation with your parents soon. They will probably deny it at first, but they will realize the truth in what you are feeling.  And....Eloise, it will get better! Oh yeah, and don't do anything dumb like claiming to be a lesbian...unless you are. Once anyone comes out(even in your joking way), no one forgets.

P.S.-Cousin Butchie wasn't going to mention this but... he once had a cat named Eloise, and she was a wonderful feline. She was the first one Uncle Butchie came out to. How strange is that!?