Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am 19 years old and very happily gay. Stereotypes are unfair, I know, but people have never had any reason to suspect that I'm gay except for two dudes I experimented with years ago, and we are still best friends with benefits today. If I were to have a problem with them, it would be choosing one over the other to be my husband.  I referred to not being stereotypes, because the three of us played contact sports, dated girls, etc. I even heard that one girl's mother had told my mother how much she wished I could be her son-in-law because I am so trustworthy AND she could always trust me to behave well with her daughter. (Kind of makes me sound like a dog .)

My problem is my uncle. who is five years older than I am. He lives in another state buts comes here for vacations and holidays. He is always trying to hit on me. Were I to tell my father, it would be World War III. Now as I think back, when I was a pre-teen there were some inappropriate sexual advances this uncle made on me. It was never more than some of the holds he used when we would wrestle together. But they were arousing, and I am angry with myself now for allowing him to do it. When i see him now should I tell him to leave me alone. Just supposing it went much further, wouldn't it be incest?

Magnificent Mark

Hi Magnificent Mark,

Thanks for your truth and confidence in asking your question and letting me put it online. Remember Mark, I am givng my own personal opinion and none of this has any legal bearing.

There is almost always some kind of sexual experimentation between male relatives. It seems to be part of growing up, and friends tell me that it happens very often between totally heterosexual guys as well. I don't believe you're talking about anything like sexual penetration, and I definitely don't think what happened between you and your uncle was incest. What I deduce here is some groping between a twelve year old and his seventeen year old uncle. The way all school wrestlers play this sport often makes very interesting photography in the newspapers. My understanding of incest is sexual behavior which could result in pregnancy and a child. Genetically, pregnancy between two close relatives can result in serious injury to the fetus. In the case of you two male relatives, you had the age difference, but he violated your rights only in the respect that he touched you in a way that was inappropriate. You didn't say how you felt about it then, but Cousin Butchie believes you should close the chapter of that part of the book right back when you were twelve.

Now, when you see him at family gatherings and tries anything inappropriate (or that makes you uncomfortable) warn him that you don't welcome and will not accept physical contact. Tell him that you remember what happened in the past and that you are willing to forget it and simply treat each other as relatives. BUT also tell him that you have set the border and that you will tell both your parents if the "games" don't stop.  May I also suggest that a young man your age certainly can and should avoid being alone with your uncle. 

I also congratulate you for having formed lasting friendships with your two best friends. You didn't really "find" them, you received these two friendships as a wonderful gift from God.  All too often, gay men don't reach this level of friendship with even one dude... and that dude is his husband.

I wish you luck in dealing with your uncle. Unless he is very dense, he will welcome the fact that you have decided to keep quiet about the past wrestling matches.

I invite my readers to reply to this posting either as a comment at the site or by contacting me directly at KippyNJ@aol.com.

Please excuse any errors in the typing. This computer was given to me by my Uncle RJ, andit needs a major tune-up.

By the way, Uncle RJ promises to write another of his very infrequent blogs about being gay and grey as he lives at the "God's Waiting Room" senior housing.