Dear Cousin Butchie,

I think I have a colossal problem.  I am 19 years old, and I know I am gay, but I've never had a real boyfriend and I have no experience with intimacy. I did answer an ad from a man in his 60's who seems to understand me and all of my family problems.  We talk late into the night on the phone, but he hangs up if his wife gets up and can hear him.  He told me that there is no sex with his wife anymore, and that he will leave her and take care of me. He's never pushed me to have sex with him, and I want that to be something special for when we are committed to each other.

I was never sure he means to leave his wife and live with me, and I tried to break things up because he wasn't giving me clear answers. I already suffer from depression and panic attacks caused basically by my toxic family. I see a therapist, and she has told me to dump my older boyfriend.  She also pointed out that I make enough money to get a roommate and to start living my own life.

Just when I was ready to do this, my boyfriend and his wife showed up at my job. I was mortified, but we spoke outside. The wife said she knows all about her husbands "bi" nature and that she would not interfere. She invited me to become part of their family.

Confused A lot

DEAR CONFUSED,

FIRST OF ALL, I AGREE WITH YOUR THERAPIST.  YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO BREAK FREE FROM THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR REAL FAMILY, AND I SUGGEST YOU DO IT.  WITH THIS ADDED OFFER OF BECOMING PART OF THE BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY, THERE ARE SOME REASONS THAT DIRTY-MINDED COUSIN BUTCHIE THINKS OF --  IS THE WIFE INSANE, OR DOES SHE WANT A THREESOME?  WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY ASKING YOU TO BE PART OF THEIR FAMILY?  WHAT HAPPENS IF/WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND PASSES ON? 

I THINK YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THESE TWO PEOPLE.  YOU ARE YOUNG AND IN YOUR PRIME.  IT MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED YET, BUT MR. RIGHT WILL COME ALONG.  IF YOU DON'T JUST GET AWAY FROM THE OLDER BOYFRIEND, YOU MAY BE 35-40 WHEN HE DIES, AND THEN YOU'LL BE LOOKING FOR A YOUNGER HUSBAND.

BY ALL MEANS, DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR THERAPIST.  I HAVE A STRANGE FEELING THAT I'M HEARING THIS BEFORE SHE IS!!!!!

Cousin Butchie may be contacted here on njgaylife.com or at kippynj@aol.com. Please feel free to write to me.