Dear Cousin Butchie,

I have another blind date on Wednesday.  It was arranged for me by a girl in my physics class.  She told me that he's really good looking and that she thinks we would make an ideal match.  I've had so many other blind dates which went nowhere and I rarely, if ever, saw the guy again. 

I would appreciate it if you would critique the subjects I have always brought up on these first dates. If you think they were the cause of me still be single, let me know.

1.   You're the kind of guy I've been looking for...like someone to cook and clean the apartment for me.

2.    Are you on any anti-viral drugs?

3.    I like to be a top but for someone like you I would be a bottom.

4.    Do you like to eat dinner before we get it on or after?

5.     Do you have Trojans?  Are they the Magnums?

6,     My ex-boyfriend was perfect in every way, and I don't know why we broke up.

7.     Do you have a place or do you want to rent a motel room?

8.     My mother expects me home by 11 PM or she worries.  

9.     You look like someone I met at the adult bookstore. Could it be you?

10.    You simply must see my porn collection.

Best,

Usually Dateless

Dear Usually Dateless,

Some of the questions and topics you bring to a first date are not so cool.  Some of the questions and statements MIGHT work after a few dates, but I'll give you a listing of boring questions and topics.  They won't make the other guy feel awkward or suspicious.  So, here goes:

1.    Have you grown up in NJ?  Where did you go to high school?

2.     What's your major or what major do you intend to pursue in college?

3.      What movie/television entertainers do you find attractive.

4.      Did you have any problems coming out?

5.       What's your favorite sport... if you have one.  I am kind of lame in that area.

6.       Nice menu here.  What's your favorite cuisine?

7.       In the area, what are you favorite one day excursions?  I like Asbury Park for nightlife and Sandy Hook for the hell of it.

8.       Are you a Democrat or a Republican?   (actually, a non-brainer on a gay date_.

9.       There are probably  a hundred different brands of underwear for men.  Do you have a favorite.

10.      I really hope to see you again, and I hope you feel the same.

So, Usually Dateless,

Avoid mentioning your "ex" boyfriend.

Don't bring up HIV or safe sex on the first date unless you are absolutely sure you're going to be a slut on the first date.  Get to know him first, and the risk you run is only getting into a relationship with an HIV Positive man (or maybe you are in that situation).  If you really like the guy and you are going crazy not jumping his bones, you may well find that the HIV status doesn't matter so much as the commitment to always be safe.  I know many sero-discordant couples (One's positive, one's not) and it works out beautifully.  Don't rule it out or you may miss the love of your life.

Also, skip any references to your mother's curfew for you.  And don't  advertise the fact that you've been to an adult bookstore.  They, justifiably, have a bad reputation and kind of questionyour moral compass.  AND don't discuss your preferred sex positions (roles).  If you hit it off, you'll discover all that and you'll probably learn that "versatile" isn't a floor covering.

Good luck. Calm down, and be sure to let me know how it all turns out.

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