Hey Cousin Butchie,

I am new to the gay dating game.  I do know that it's dangerous for me to get involved with other gay dudes at school, but the search is so damn difficult. Like I went online and replied to ads from dudes who seemed compatible.  They all said they weren't interested in hooking up (having sex) on the first date.That seemed to be a good way to form a friendship leading to a relationship.  OK so far...but I met seven guys from online postings, and six of them were so hot to trot when we met that I found myself sexually involved before I could remember their names.  AND in some cases, the guys answering my ad described themselves in such fabulous terms that I was expecting to be meeting Ricky Martin.  It was horrible to discover an totally ugly dude with smelly breath, greasy hair and Salvation Army clothes. 

Without a Date at the Time Being

Dear Without a Date....

Right off the bat, I don't know why you  wrote  "I do know it's dangerous to get involved with other gay dudes at school."  Just out of curiosity, I wonder why you say this.  You are apparently out of the closet, and some real bonding and bromances can start in school that last a lifetime.  You also have a friend with benefits, which is not a bad thing.

As for the online dating.  I am not surprised that a dude online would say that he doesn't want to become sexually involved on the first date.  In my experience, the chances are very good that some level of sex will happen on the first date, and you are lucky if there is a second date!  Maybe it gets some excess baggage out of the way immediately.  Having said that, I know that there is definitely a second date when both of you have described yourselves truthfully.  If you attend the same school (I'm assuming college) you have a chance to make your new friend a great benefit in meeting others and living an "out" life at school.

Of course, you know that you must tell someone else when you go on a blind online date.  Let a good friend or your sister or your roommate know where you are meeting, where you are going and what time you expect to be home.  Also... don't assume that the first meeting will be chaste.  Bring condoms, even if you don't think you'll need them.

I will close by saying that I am not totally opposed to online dating.  In fact, two good friends of mine met this way, and they are celebrating more than ten years together.