Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am not sure who I'm writing to, and I'm less sure why I am bothering to tell you about the problem with my son.

To start, I have been having some suspicions that my 17 year old son is a homosexual.  It's a hard subject to discuss, so I went on a search of  Dan's (my son) room.  I found some pornographic discs of boys and men having sex.  When I watched it, I almost threw up.  I also found the password for Dan's computer, and I came upon your column (or is it called a blog?)  In addition, there were love letter emails written by and to Dan over the past two years. They might have been okay if Dan or this other boy happened to be a girl, but no luck. These are the writings of two homosexuals, talking in terms of love and terms of sex I don't even understand.  What I do know is that the Bible calls people like my son abominations and sodomites.  In my church, my son and all the other fruitcakes out there are called "intrinsically disordered" and sinful and unworthy of receiving Communion. How can I make Dan become normal again?  How do I get him to trust me that God's truth forbids the horrendous things he's doing with his body-- a temple of the Holy Spirit?

Mortified Mother

Dear Mortified Mother:

I am glad that you snooped through your son's possessions and somehow figured out his computer password.  You neglected to explain what behavior caused you to suspect Dan.  You seem to have found much of what you sought.  But your search has created a real problem for YOU. Dan is acting in the way a typical gay teenager would act.  He has probably felt that he wanted to tell you his secret, but he felt you would have a bad reaction.

To say it as clearly as possible-- the problem is not Dan's, it is yours.  From what you relate, Dan seems to have acted out on his gay feelings a few years ago, BUT he has always been gay.  He can probably tell you of same-sex attractions when he was very young.  It seems clear that Dan and the other boy are in love.  It is natural when we consider that "homosexuality" exists in all of the animal kingdom.  It is natural when we realize that Dan was born wth a gay orientation.  He didn't "become" gay because of anything you and your husband did or didn't do. What Dan is dealing with is also a spiritual component of his life.  You will recognize this more in the coming months.

The Bible is not the place to look for answers about your son, except for what you may read about how God offers unconditional love for all.  The condemnations in the Bible are taken out of context and taught for years. The problem is that they pick out the few gay references in the Bible and ignore the rest.  Read Leviticus and see how much is written about all human beings, AND BE SURE TO JOT DOWN EVERY SO-CALLED ABOMINATION AND REALLY LET YOURSELF REALIZE HOW MANY, MANY THINGS ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE DOING RIGHT NOW.  It is the result of ignoring a holiness code which no longer has any validity.  Just for starters, do you eat lobster, wear the color red, have short hair (for women) or long hair (for men)?  Or do you ever wear garments made of two different types of fabrics?

Your next step should be to tell Dan that you don't understand much of what you now know, but you will make every effort to educate yourself. AND make sure you tell him that you love him just as the person God created him to be. 

There are monthly meetings of a national group called "Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays."  Several meet in different parts of New Jersey.  You can make the initial phone call and speak to the helpline person.  You will also be told where the closest  meetings are held.  It will be difficult at first, but  you will soon meet parents who once felt as you do now. They will recommend books you can read, and you will most likely be given the telephone numbers of people you can call between meetings when you need to talk.

Most importantly, tell Dan what you are doing.  He will feel very relieved and even proud that you've sought this help.  To Dan, it will be a clear sign that you love him just as the person he is.  He will reciprocate that love to you in what must be a strained family dynamic right now.

PLEASE CALL (in NJ)  908-300-4227 and you will be directed to a meeting close to you.  You may also ask any questions or express your fears to the helpline volunteer.

From seeing so much positive good  generated from this group, I know that you wil find people who will become your friends.  While the meetings are usually held in churches, the group espouses no one religion or belief system.

When you phone, you will be called back very soon OR you will be given an email address to use to ask your questions before talking to a member.

I congratulate you for taking the first step.  You will never regret it, and your love for Dan (and his life partner, now or in the future) will become a blessing you might not be able to believe now. 

All my best,

Cousin Butchie

P.S.  And why not start by referring to yourself as "Proud Mom of a Great Son"!!