Hi, Cousin Butchie,
I hope you can help me. I am a sophomore in high school, and last April I fell madly in love with another dude in my school. He was my first in every sense and we became inseparable. I was not uncomfortable beeing seen with him all the time. In my school, they are pretty liberal.
Anyway... I had made lots of plans in my head involving "Elmer." We were going to go to the same college and get married and have the ideal family. We seemed to be the ideal couple, and I will have to admit that the sex with him was amazingly wonderful. I really had no one to compare him to, but I knew he was feeling the same as I was.
During the past few weeks, some friends of mine tried to tell me that he was cheating on me. I refused to believe it, but I knew that this might have explained why we didn't see each other every day like before. When I finally confronted Elmer, he didn't lie. He said that he wanted us to always be friends but that he wanted to move on and meet new guys. I cried when he told me, and I'm still crying now. It all seemed so perfect, and now it just turned into crap. I'll never get over Elmer and I can only hope that he comes back to me sometime soon.
The experience you have just gone through has happened to about 97% of the men and women, gay or straight in the world. You and Elmer were attracted to each other and had a crush. It was a little early for you to try to commit to each other. I know how you feel , and I relly hope you can move on. There is a possibility that Elmer will come back to you, but it's a slim one at that.
You are going to notice in your future dating that almost every dude out there has an "ex" and the broken relationship that goes with him. The same is true of heterosexual couples. In the future, don't be too quick to call a hook up a relationship. Let it go slowly until it's obvious that both of you are in sync. Even with this assumption it could take a lot of time to find the real Mr. Right.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have no real problem hooking up with another guy for a date. The problem is how the conversation goes when we're having dinner or coffee or whatever. I have noticed that most gay dudes will inevitably tell all or part of their coming out story. I guess that's cool since it's a significant part of everyone's life. Now I'm noticing that guys will ask when you first knew for sure that you were gay. Those answers get very similar, so I asked my older gay cousin (Arnold) for advice. Because Arnold and I are both gay the family thinks there might be something in the water in this area. Anyway, Arnold has at least ten different dates a month. He told me that when another guy asks you when you first knew you were gay, respond with "When I first looked into your eyes." Do you think this would work for me?
At a Loss for Words
Dear At a Loss for Words,
Your cousin has a clever reply, but I think most guys would consider it to be just a pick up line or some bull he uses because he doesn't care to discuss past history. Arnold has ten dates a month??? That's kind of a record, and I suggest that once he uses his words of wisdom on each one of them and they don't fall for it. Just a guess. Best reply to your question is to always tell the truth--it's easier to remember later on.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am in real predicament, and I might as well agree to let you settle it.
Two dudes who have been my friends for years are taking the big step and getting married in August. I am honestly closer to Mike than I am to Jim, but that's because we dated once and we could have become very serious at one point. That was back in our late teens when my hormones and his were sending love notes to each other. Got it? Okay, the problem is that a group of about fifteen of our gay friends are planning a "pre-nuptial" party for Mike. They have excluded the other groom, Jim, because they don't know him as well. That part is true. Now they are asking me to help setup this orgy because I know Mike better than anyone else. OMG...is that a true statement (LOL)! The plans are for an unlimited alcoholic party complete with a few male escorts. I've never heard of crap like this, but gay marriages are relatively new. Should I go along with these friends and help make it the perfect "groom to be party" or do all in my power to stop it. If I do, can you suggest something else for the occasion?
Hi Brian Bewildered,
Thank you for asking my opinion of this forthcoming planned party. Briefly, I think the entire idea sucks and resembles some scenes from "Boys in the Band." It's also very similar to what heterosexual men plan for a groom to be, and they call it a "Bachelor Party." I think their plans are as heteroseually stupid as smashing wedding cake in each others' faces.
If you consider all the angles here, there are a few ideas which might be the best solution.
First of all, immediately plan on making this a "Grooms Party" for both Mike and Jim. See how they react to the idea. Depending on their moral compass, they may either accept or reject the idea. It wouldn't hurt to ask, and it could be disastrous if you don't.
The second suggestion might be to all go to Great Adventure and waiting forever to ride that new enormous rollercoaster. You can stop for a beer blast on the way back, and you guys can all take turns rubbing Noxzema on each others' sunburn.
Another possibility is to have no such party at all. Why imitate the heterosexuals who usually don't make a great success of their weddings 50% of the time anyway?
I believe that what looks like a great fun idea for the fifteen of your closest personal friends (LOL) is to go out yourselves and leave Mike and Jim out of it. Go ride the Circle Line and drink until you puke overboard. Just for the hell of it, take the considerable money this orgy/party was going to cost and buy the newlyweds a mini-vacation in six months for when they are probably still feeling a need to go away together but alone.
It also begs for me to ask you this question: If this were your wedding coming up would you want a party given for the other groom, unbeknowst to you, as you sit at home wondering why your main man is among the missing so close to the wedding?
Dearest Readers...About three years ago, when Bonnie was looking for a blogger, she was steered in my direction by my fabulous friend (H.L. from Westfield). The theme was generally supposed to be a blog on living on in the LGBT community once the hair starts to get grey and you're closr to your sundown than your sunrise. [undertakers love it when you include such words and ideas for your own obituary.] Because I have only a vague memory of the name of the blog, my nephew, the notorioius Cousin Butchie, has agreed to log me on during his annual visit, He lives 3.9 miles away and I am grateful he makes this journey each year., I should point out that Butchie is my brother's reward for not going to CVS or Walgreen's or Rite Aid or Wald's when he was out of prophylactics. Today they are called by many names from rubbers to scum bags to protection. In my early years, the big attraction was carrying a Trojan or Shiek in your wallet so everyone could see it...kind of next to your driver's license. Today, I am told that a Magnum is mandatory for one's ego. (You'll either understand that or it will fly over your heads.)
For those who understandably don't know, I am Uncle RJ living in an independent senior citizen's high rise....where I am one of the few younger tenants. My apartment in this building (WELL KNOWN BY THE COMMUNITY AS GOD'S WAITING ROOM) resembles my college dorm room. I know where everything is, and I am able to entertain guests and other horny men for attention to our carnal needs. I will be the first to admit that I was fortunate to find this dwelling place so soon after both my parents passed on.
For about three years, I was vice-president of the tenants' association, so most people know me-- even if they don't know about me.
Uncle RJ here has learned that the coming out process never really ends. I have never done anything to overtly tip them off, but one man, who is apparently a true closet case (evidenced by his voice, his temperment and his general demeanor) allowed me to run errands for him-- the payoff for helping him was that he started accusing me of various nonsensical actions. He swears that I was making late night obscene phone calls AND that I had paid the security guard to let me in his apartment where I was sexually stimulated rubbing his back. Never happened. He has called me a "homosexual" and shared this with many other tenants. The honestly wonderful payoff has been my discovery that most other tenants don't care about my orientation. Some have talked to me personally about their grandchildren and family members who are in the closet and need someone to speak with. Never forget that even when we come out of that closet, some relatives and friends go into it. Fittingly enough, they also ask how hey can make their relative feel more welcome and more loved. Since this is a way of "paying it forward" I am very pleased each time it happens. Not bragging, but I am also the one person helpline for calls coming in forP-FLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) of North Jersey. Just as many scared or confused LGBT people call as do their parents.
Other ways of helping other tenants is shopping for them and helping them with minor problems, such as:
- One lady was very upset because she had run out of her blue pills, She couldn't recall why she was taking them, didn't know which of her many doctors prescribed them and had thrown away the prescription vial because it was empty of course. The patient pharmacist did a search for what med(s) were due and their colors. It was pointed out that most drugs are prescribed and filled with general meds. Often, the pharmacy changes the manufacturer of the generic....and describing a generic by color is very risky. BEING ME, WHEN SHE MENTIONED THE BLUE PILLS, I THOUGHT OF VIAGRA!
An aside here about blue pills. When my father asked his doctor for Viagra, my mom found the prescription vial among all the others on the kitchen counter. Mom was pretty sharp and she grabbed the Advil and noticed the blue color and similar shape. She flushed the Viagra down the toilet and replaced them with the Advil. I recall that she was very proud of her ingenuity and said "Let him drop dead trying."
- Another woman has made passes and extremely sexual double entendre remarks. She became a widow less than two years ago, and I like her very much as a person. She has told me what other tenants have said to her about me. What she's trying to do, I believe, is work the "cure" and have me canoodle with her. I've met her son when he showed up to check on her, and I must have acted like a total jackass. I became tongue-tied and I'm didn't see that he was wearing a wedding ring. I was with him and several other people in the elevator and I softly mouthed "woof, woof" at the very hot son. So....he goes in my memory bank right between Matt Damon and Brendan Frasier.....sigh.
- As a Roman Catholic who is a member of a good number of radically progressive organizations, I did not register as a member of the Catholic parish which is a short walk up the street. I continue to attend my parish (chosen from among several about six years ago) where I have found a fantastic pastor and a welcoming community. That's St. Bart's in Scotch Plains...not the other parish. I also have the luxury of sampling parishes in the area. St. Charles Borromeo, St. Matthias, even St. Joseph's in Raritan. and St. Helen's in Westfield (the music of the kids at 6:30 pm on SUNDAYS is awesome. Never, to my knowledge, did they preach against same sex marriage or stuff their parish bulletins with one-sided propaganda.
- Not out of rebellion, but appreciation for the efforts of a core of people, I also try to get to a group specifically for LGBT people and their parents and friends. It's called I.G.I. (IN GOD'S IMAGE) and meets during the year on the second Wednesday of the month (7:30 pm) at Sacred Heart Church in South Plainfield. They will resume again in September. The meeting centers on bible study, sharing, and motivation to have some impact on this parish as a LGBT focused group. The good word does travel to other parishes, some of which put our announcements in their bulletins.
The core group of people who make this I.G.I. group so successful includes: Father John P. Alvarado: Sister Kathleen Rooney, SSJ: Bruce Z. who was the person who made heroic efforts bringing the group into being; David & Mark who give considerable time, energy and love to the group. And the parents who often see this as their Catholic version of P-FLAG.... Porter, Betty, Nora and Manny. My mom was in this category. When she passed on, through a combination of issues, it was Fr. Alvarado and Sister Kathleen who presided at her wake service and burial. I can only imagine how much my liberated mom rejoiced when she realized that a woman was conducting her final celebration of life. ( And yours truly who never fails to devour a cookie or six, feeding the body as well as the soul.
- Truth be told, Uncle RJ here doesan't enjoy, or even like, Bingo. However, I have been called upon to oversee this Friday evening ritual. From the very start I was going to do it on a temporary basis. Three years later, it's not so temporary anymore. There are residents at Bingo who don't usually leave there apartments for any other reasons...except to keep their many doctor visits,join their caravan to Shop-Rite, throw trash down the incinerator shoot, or come to any sponsored event which includes free food.
My purpose in sharing this (perhaps in too much detail) is the fact that my younger LGBT readers (aka "friends") will realize that they may need to face more coming out moments. They will not be as profound as it may have been telling their parents and families, but they will exist when and where they least expect it. BETTER TO BE PREPARED THAN TAKEN BY SURPRISE.
As with communication for my nephew, Cousin Butchie....you may ask questions or berate me online of go directly to KippyNJ@aol.com.
Greetings to all of my countless readers and fans! I have taken a seemingly long hiatus from writing on this blog because I was waiting for questions and comments from readers. Now that a number of you have written to me at www.KippyNJ.com instead of on the NJ Gay Life site, my faith has been restored. By the way, please feel free to use the private email address or to address my on Bonnie's NJ Gay Life page.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am writing to you because I am very disheartened and confused about dating other gay and bisexual men. I'm twenty years old, and I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if gay men in general always act this way. I'm referring to dating or hooking up. In a nut shell, I don't understand why so very many promise to call for a second date and never do.
My friends have set up blind dates with some guys they thought would be ideal matches for me. I'm ashamed to say that most of the other guys I have met through gay Internet dating services. Of course, I have also hooked up with some dudes I have met on my own. The common denominator with all of the men I have hooked up with is the fact that they never respond to my phone calls, never phone me....and even if I see one at a bar or in the market, they ignore me or act as though there was never a date. So, what's up with this?
Dear Always Alone,
Cousin Butchie's first reaction to your situation is the fact that you appear to be using the terms "Hook up" and "Date" interchangably. A hook up is meeting with the express intention of reacting hormonally and having some immediate sexual experience. Now, most gay dudes will tell you that they never do any hooking up, however Cousin Butchie thinks they are acting like Pinocchio, and we all know what happened to him!
A date will be interaction with another dude with the hope of discovering common interests and proceeding slowly with setting the stage for a real friendship-- sometimes with benefits, and other time not.
Now, Mr. Always Alone...let's consider the possible reasons you are not getting a call back when you phone or a often promised first call back from the other dude.
Ask yourself some very basic questions such as:
- Was I truthful in the ways I described myself before we actually met? Was he?
- Was I so anxious for a hook up that I let the date concept end within twenty minutes of our introduction?
- Was there a distinct body odor on my part?
- Did I have the kind of breath which was bad enough to knock a buzzard off a pile of shit?
- To relax, did I become too buzzed to really remember exactly how the hook up played out?
- Did I reciprocate in any way.... to the other dude's comments about his job or education. In other words, did I encourage some personal sharing prior becoming physically demonstrative, i.e. Did I have my paws all over him before I knew anything about him?
- Did I refer to my "ex" a lot. In this type of situation, a lot could mean more than once?
- Was the other dude simply not what you expected and you felt like you were doing him a favor hooking up?
All in all, dating between men is a little more difficult than a heterosexual date. Dealing with your ego and his ego; his personality and yours; his likes and dislikes; how far each of you are willing to go- all are often delicate maneuvers. My advice is always to meet for coffee or a drink or dinner. Let your intuition tell you if he's into you and whether he's really the kind of dude you want to become part of your life. Also give yourself credit for realizing that a date is a date and a hook up is a hook up. If either one of you is merely seeking sex make that clear from the start. And make absolutely sure that everything is safe.
Let me know how it goes. Remind and convince yourself that you are worthy of a great friendship and it need not start with sex the first time you meet. When this occurs, you set the stage for being considered another trick (and so does he).
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am Dan the Agnostic, and I wrote to you last month about my boyfriend's overly and sickeningly distressing religious beliefs and fervor. You gave a sensible and workable plan but (now, I will name him) Anthony Joseph Aloysius Corleone. This boyfriend of mine has had some further communionication with his aggravating witch of a mother. Followng this, Anthony has acted a little stressed and kind of cold to me. We share the same dorm room, but my "little muffin" has told me that he decided to give up having sex with me for Lent. He speaks very little about it. I don't know if his parents have made him feel sinful or if he is just tired of our relationship. Believe me-- three weeks ago he was a tiger ready to pounce at any moment of the day or night. Now, I just get sad looks. What do you think I should do?
Dan the Agnostic,
Dear Dan the Agnostic,
Cousin Butcie has never heard of such a stupid reason for a couple to stop sharing sex with each other. I mean, measles and accidental brain damage might qualify as legitimate reasons for a change in your romantic life and sexual expression.
BUT GIVING YOU UP FOR LENT IS THE STUPIDEST THING COUSIN BUTCHIE HAS HEARD IN YEARS. BACK IN THE DARK AGES, THE CRUEL LEADERS TOLD THEIR IGNORANT CATHOLIC FOLLOWERS THAT THEY SHOULD GIVE UP SEX FOR LENT. OF COURSE, THEY WERE CLUELESS, SO IT ONLY MEANT SEX BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN.
I SUSPECT SOMETHING DEEPER IS TAKING ROOT HERE, AND YOU WOULD DO BEST NOT TO BITE THE BULLET UNTIL EASTER MORNING TO SEE IF YOUR LOVER BOY IS GOING TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME IN THE SACK. RIGHT NOW, SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND ASK FOR AN EXPLANATION. DIRECTLY ASK IF HE WANTS TO CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP. ASK HIM IF YOU ARE DOING ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE OR OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU. ALSO ASK HOW MUCH EMPHASIS HIS PARENTS MAY HAVE HAD ON HIS DECISION.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LONG DISCUSSION OF ANY PROBLEMS AND HOW THEY CAN BE SOLVED, YOU WON'T KNOW WHERE THIS ENTIE DRAMA STANDS. ASK HIM FINALLY IF HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO YOUR PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY OR IF HE PREFERS TO TAKE WHATEVER THE EASTER BUNNY LEAVES HIM THIS YEAR.
SOMETHING OF THIS NATURE UPSETS COUSIN BUTCHIE BECAUSE IT SEEMS SO FOREIGN TO THE WAY HE KNOWS THAT SERIOUS COUPLES CONDUCT THEMSELVES. STRAIGHTS PULL CRAP LIKE THIS, BT NOT GAY MEN!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
My boyfriend and I are both sophomores in college. We've been in a relationship since the second week of our freshman year. I am very sure that my boyfriend is a keeper, but his family is driving me nuts. His mother is a very conservative and supposedly "pious" Catholic. Last Christmas, I went to her home with my b/f for dinner. The b/f and I picked out some nice presents for the family. She doesn't know that her son and I are lovers. She was told that he had a friend with family on the West Coast and that I would be alone for the holidays. She profusely invited me, possibly sensing that she would have a future convert to bring into her church.
When I arrived with the b/f we were both greeted warmly and we were told how blessed they felt to have us there with them. There was a fairly bloody crucifix on the walls of each room except for the bathroom. There were also statues with candles burning in front of them. I asked my b/f if the house was like this while he was growing up, and he said that it got worse around Easter every year. Mother Pious let Father Pious say grace before we ate. Mother Pious started to tell us about how heartbroken she was about a great tragedy which happened right in their neighborhood. It seems that there was a sticky bun in Freedman's Bakery window, and many people saw the Blessed Virgin Mary on that sticky bun. More and more people went to see it for themselves. That sticky bun and all the other baked goods were kept in the window for a week and then thrown out. Mother Pious was assured that the Blessed Virgin Mary sticky bun would be saved for her. (I was trying to eat my lasagna and pretended to act as shocked as she wanted me to be.) Then, crying like a baby, she said that the special bun was set aside but it was accidentally eaten by one of the clerks who liked stale pastry to dunk in her coffee. My b/f smiled at her and said how sorry he was. I could not find the words to explain my feelings. Father Pious tried to turn the conversation over to the subject of sports, but Mom kept on yapping. I managed to tell her that I understood how freakin' awful she must feel.
That evening, Mother Pious apologized for the fact that we boys would need to sleep in the same bedroom because there was a ceiling problem in the guest room. Only then did I scream "Hallelujah" and express how blessed we were. When my b/f told me that he always had a queen size bed in that room, I started speaking in tongues and looking forward to an unexpected night together in the same bed with the b/f' .
The next day, b/f and I went to the mall and some small stores. At lunch we were able to discuss the prospect of coming out to his parents. I told the b/f that it was out of the question-- that his parents were religious lunatics and that they were not going to accept our relationship BECAUSE he never bothered to come out to them in 7th grade when he wanted to. He says we should tell them when we see them again at Easter. What do you think?
Dan the Agnostic & B/F
Dear Dan and B/F,
I have found your email so funny that I shared it with thirty-two of my closest LGBT friends. No names were mentioned, and we all thank you for the entertainment.
Seriously, I don't think it would be possible to come out to Mom and Pop Pious until you're out of school and hopefully living many miles away. You can both play the game with them until you graduate from college. In general, I would say that the parents aren't likely to attend PFLAG meetings if they were informed. Keep trying to make Mom and Pop Pious like you so that they don't eventually accuse you of leading their son astray.
Cousin Butchie wonders about Dan's family on the West Coast. Dan, are you bringing the b/f to meet them? Are you out to your family?
P.S. You've been in a relationship since your second week as freshmen. You sure didn't lose anytime with that, did you? LOL
Those readers who would like to ask a question or tell me how lousy this column is may reach me at the njgaylife.com website or email me directly at KippyNJ@aol.com.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am 19 years old and very happily gay. Stereotypes are unfair, I know, but people have never had any reason to suspect that I'm gay except for two dudes I experimented with years ago, and we are still best friends with benefits today. If I were to have a problem with them, it would be choosing one over the other to be my husband. I referred to not being stereotypes, because the three of us played contact sports, dated girls, etc. I even heard that one girl's mother had told my mother how much she wished I could be her son-in-law because I am so trustworthy AND she could always trust me to behave well with her daughter. (Kind of makes me sound like a dog .)
My problem is my uncle. who is five years older than I am. He lives in another state buts comes here for vacations and holidays. He is always trying to hit on me. Were I to tell my father, it would be World War III. Now as I think back, when I was a pre-teen there were some inappropriate sexual advances this uncle made on me. It was never more than some of the holds he used when we would wrestle together. But they were arousing, and I am angry with myself now for allowing him to do it. When i see him now should I tell him to leave me alone. Just supposing it went much further, wouldn't it be incest?
Hi Magnificent Mark,
Thanks for your truth and confidence in asking your question and letting me put it online. Remember Mark, I am givng my own personal opinion and none of this has any legal bearing.
There is almost always some kind of sexual experimentation between male relatives. It seems to be part of growing up, and friends tell me that it happens very often between totally heterosexual guys as well. I don't believe you're talking about anything like sexual penetration, and I definitely don't think what happened between you and your uncle was incest. What I deduce here is some groping between a twelve year old and his seventeen year old uncle. The way all school wrestlers play this sport often makes very interesting photography in the newspapers. My understanding of incest is sexual behavior which could result in pregnancy and a child. Genetically, pregnancy between two close relatives can result in serious injury to the fetus. In the case of you two male relatives, you had the age difference, but he violated your rights only in the respect that he touched you in a way that was inappropriate. You didn't say how you felt about it then, but Cousin Butchie believes you should close the chapter of that part of the book right back when you were twelve.
Now, when you see him at family gatherings and tries anything inappropriate (or that makes you uncomfortable) warn him that you don't welcome and will not accept physical contact. Tell him that you remember what happened in the past and that you are willing to forget it and simply treat each other as relatives. BUT also tell him that you have set the border and that you will tell both your parents if the "games" don't stop. May I also suggest that a young man your age certainly can and should avoid being alone with your uncle.
I also congratulate you for having formed lasting friendships with your two best friends. You didn't really "find" them, you received these two friendships as a wonderful gift from God. All too often, gay men don't reach this level of friendship with even one dude... and that dude is his husband.
I wish you luck in dealing with your uncle. Unless he is very dense, he will welcome the fact that you have decided to keep quiet about the past wrestling matches.
I invite my readers to reply to this posting either as a comment at the site or by contacting me directly at KippyNJ@aol.com.
Please excuse any errors in the typing. This computer was given to me by my Uncle RJ, andit needs a major tune-up.
By the way, Uncle RJ promises to write another of his very infrequent blogs about being gay and grey as he lives at the "God's Waiting Room" senior housing.
Hi Cousin Butchie and Happy Solstice,
This is not an urgent matter, but I hope you have an answer I can show to my friends and my older brother, Brian. Brian is in his 30's, so I am aware that I was an accident or just totally unplanned. However our parents hit the jackpot with two sons who are both gay, and we were born 11 plus years apart.
Okay, Brian tells me that in the older generation of gay men, if they made a commitment to each other or had a wedding service (illegal back then) that they usually wore their commitment rings on their right hands. Brian says that this made it clear that the relationship was open and that they would like to hook up with other dudes...sometimes with the condition they not being them home, and other times promising to bring them home. My boyfriend and I are a little young to get married, but we want to wear rings to signify our love for each other. We're not looking to be promiscuous, and we want to wear the rings on our left hands as in a traditional marriage commitment. Brian says this is so wrong because we're not even in a civil union.
Can you answer this for me, please?
I have heard this type of reasoning before, and I’ve heard it in many different and contradictory ways. I personally feel that two guys in a relationship should be allowed to wear rings in their noses if they wish. Your brother may be correct about how things were when he was your age. I have no idea, but I have heard another reason for not wearing rings on the left hand....they say that it mimics straight marriage and also fosters the premise that when a person is married he doesn't need to be monogamous to copy the breeders.
Do what works best for you, and what feels right for you. Don't let the gay fashion and correctness police (and they are out there, believe me) dictate what you and your boyfriend do or which hand you wear your rings on.
Just wondering...is your brother attached or married to another dude...or where is he coming from? You two guys should have a close bonding because you're both gay...and I congratulate your parents for adapting so well, assuming they have!
Questions may be asked in this blog comment space or sent directly to email@example.com.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am a junior in high school, and I absolutely need to save some money for college. It's for this reason that I work in a small but very busy store. I usually enjoy the job, even if the wages are close to minimum wage. We have been told by the store manager that we should end each sale by saying "Thank you and Happy Holidays." That seemed workable until some customers would respond with a venemous "Merry Christmas," often followed by some kind of mini-sermon on the meaning of the season. This annoys me. I am a Christian but I realize that many other people are celebrating different holidays or holy days at this time of the year. Just for the record, I also am well aware that the details surrounding Christmas are contradictory and not based on any other specific belief than the belief in the birth of Jesus Christ. I'm starting to recognize some of the people who annoy me are the same ones who always leave the store during the rest of the year wishing me a "blessed day." Should I just ignore the people who get so demonstrative about their faith in Christmas?
Cousin Butchie is also a Christian, and he agrees with you that we cannot and should not put some proprietary rights on this holiday. It's one of those non-issues which have no place among people of all faiths and no faith at all. I suggest strongly that you simply do as your employer tells you. When a customer recants with the Christmas greeting, just thank them or wish them a Merry Christmas in reply.
PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING PIECE I FOUND IN A MAGAZINE RECENTLY;
Are we guilty of not keeping Christ in Christmas? Do we care for the less fortunate, the elderly and the infirm? Do we help those in need whenever we can? Do we raise our children with respect and love? Do we interrupt ethnic, gay and slanderous jokes and say "That's not funny"? Do we stop bigotry as we show love and acceptance? The fight to say "Merry Chritmas" is far less important than actually living a decent and moral life.... SO HERE'S TO A HOLIDAY FILLED WITH PEACE, LOVE AND CHARITY FOR ALL...NO MATTER WHAT IT IS CALLED!
Just a Christmas/Holiday Smile
Three little boys were discussing what they did on Christmas Eve at their homes.
Angelo said that they ate the traditional seven fish dinner and went to Midnight Mass. Then, Angelo put out milk and cookies for Santa, and he went to bed.
Stanley said that his family ate the traditional Polish dinner and went to church. Later, Stanley left cookies and milk for Santa, and he went to bed.
They then asked Sheldon what his family did. He told them that his dad would start up the Rolls-Royce in the garage and they would all get into the car and drive to one of his dad's toy stores. They would go inside and hold hands in front of the empty shelves as they sang "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
Hi Cousin Butchie,
I have read your column on the NJGayLife site, but I didn't dream that I would be writing to you. So, here goes.
I am the alpha kind of gay dude people never suspect is gay. I've had some best friends with benefits type of arrangements before, but I am only 17 and never wanted to feel chained down by a husband, even if I liked him more than a little.
Now, a new dude has transferred to my school. He's a jock and so am I. In fact, we share adjacent lockers for the home games at school. I've talked to him a lot, and he's very friendly. I just don't get a reaction from him if I mention girls at the school and things like that. My "gaydar" goes wild about this guy. My best friend (a straight girl) says I should just ask him if he wants to hook up...or if he wants to go for coffee. I want him so bad that I'll try anything, but this seems too direct for me to try.
In the meantime, I see so much of him (if you get my drift) before and after sports events, I would step on ground glass to get a date with him.
I understand the way you feel. In one way or another, everyone goes through something like this, so don't feel strange. However you need to be careful just in case your "gaydar" and instincts are wrong. Asking him if he wants to hook up is so wrong. Even if he is gay, he may not want everyone to know it since he's new in school, etc. Asking him out for coffee might work, but it's a code phrase with many people. So...find out what movie he might want to see. If he's new, ask him if he wants to go to NYC. There are many things to see in NY, and you'll have plenty of chance to get a better sense of each other's views, attractions, etc. Conversation on a long bus or train ride could do the trick.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I graduated from high school in May, and my first real experience dating other guys started then. I knew I was gay when I was 6, but it was hardly the age to ask another first grader for a date. I've discovered some really great dudes, but not the one I want to marry. It's been really great because I'm making friendships which could possibly turn into long term relationships, but I know that lifelong friendships are being formed. I feel closer to some of these dudes than I feel with my family. I guess I'm creating an extended family of my own right now.
A question has come up which makes me feel stupid so I'll ask you. Recently I got very involved with a guy who is definitely boyfriend material. He asked me if I use poppers, and I said I did, but I had no idea what they are. He told me to "take a hit" from the bottle, and I did. It made everything that was going on more intense and much hotter for a few minutes, then I took another hit. Boyfriend to Be tells me that they are harmless, but I want to make sure he's correct. None of my other ga friends have ever mentoned them.
So, what's the story?
HI FEELING RUSHED,
Poppers, I am told, were all the rage in the 70's and 80's. They were a medical prescription inhalant which was crushed inside its gauze type of wrapper. They were legitimately prescribed by doctors to lower blood pressure, but many gay men used them for the aphrodisiac quality they had. At one time, since so many gay men used them, it was speculated that they were the cause of AIDS. This was proven untrue, but they might be considered a risk for guys with blood pressure or other heart problems. They have come out again in several different forms which have similar results. There is no medical advice possible from Cousin Butchie, but I do know that some men use the newer products, and I don't believe there have been problems reported. If you want to try these with Boyfriend to Be, you will experience a rush and you can decide if they are worth your time and effort. Maybe you would like to write back and let us know.
By the way, I congratulate you for having the good fortune to make so many friendships. At times in your life, these friends may become family to you, and there is nothing more freeing than being around people who are PLUs. That means "People Like Us" or so I was told by one of my best friends forever.
Cousin Butchie will respond to messages sent to NJGayLife.com or to KippyNJ@aol.com
Hey, Cousin Butchie!
I am 17 years old and proud to be gay. I have three really great gay friends who are like brothers... or sisters(lol) We were getting sort of mellow and talking about a lot of things. My one friend said that he doesn't use condoms anymore. He said he hated using them, but he went on to say that the doctors can now give you a drug which will keep you from getting AIDS. None of the four of us have had an HIV test even though we have all had risky sex. I can't be totally sure about my friends because all dudes (gay and str8 and bi and everything else) tend to brag about doing things they really haven't done. On the other hand, I'm seriously worried because my experience wasn't a fantasy I created. I am absolutely terrorized by the prospect of getting tested. I cannot go to my doctor because he's friends with my parents. I remember that my parents took my coming out very nicely, but they literally begged me not to be unsafe.
I need to know if AIDS is stll a big deal. I never hear about anyone around school getting it. And with most of the dudes I have dated, not one has asked me my status. That sounds weird, but it's true. If I have AIDS I know my friends won't desert me, but I feel my parents might freak out. I have never let them down before, and I would not want this to be the first time.
Anonymous from Westfield
I am glad you wrote. Acquired Immune-Deficiency Syndrome (A.I.D.S.) has not miraculously disappeared, but there is a reluctance by infected people to disclose their positive status. You can worry about this for months because yu have AFRAIDS or you can get a test which will give you rapid results. If you test positive, they will direct you to all the right resources. If you test negative, they will tell you all the ways to stay negative.
Don't waste anymore time. You may go online at www.HIVtest.org or phone them at 1-800-CDC-INFO. You can find all of the closest tersting sites. You'll be surprised at how easy it is to find a testing site near home, and everything is confidential. There may be a charge, but you would not be turned away for lack of money. Most do not demand that parents be notified if the patient is under 17. It will all be spelled out to you, gently and in a very caring way. The sooner you act on this, the better you will feel. AND in the unlikely case that you are positive, you will be getting early treatment which is a must. It's been stated that men diagnosed with HIV positive meds are likely to die of something else, and not for a very long time.
There is a program which has proven successful. The HIV drug TRUVADA is taken to prevent infection. I don't have all the details, but I know the drug is expensive.... and it also doesn't help prevent other STDs warded off by condoms.
Decide now to get the test, and let me know how you make out. By the way, it's just possible that your three friends might either go with you and get tested themselves.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I think I have a colossal problem. I am 19 years old, and I know I am gay, but I've never had a real boyfriend and I have no experience with intimacy. I did answer an ad from a man in his 60's who seems to understand me and all of my family problems. We talk late into the night on the phone, but he hangs up if his wife gets up and can hear him. He told me that there is no sex with his wife anymore, and that he will leave her and take care of me. He's never pushed me to have sex with him, and I want that to be something special for when we are committed to each other.
I was never sure he means to leave his wife and live with me, and I tried to break things up because he wasn't giving me clear answers. I already suffer from depression and panic attacks caused basically by my toxic family. I see a therapist, and she has told me to dump my older boyfriend. She also pointed out that I make enough money to get a roommate and to start living my own life.
Just when I was ready to do this, my boyfriend and his wife showed up at my job. I was mortified, but we spoke outside. The wife said she knows all about her husbands "bi" nature and that she would not interfere. She invited me to become part of their family.
Confused A lot
FIRST OF ALL, I AGREE WITH YOUR THERAPIST. YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO BREAK FREE FROM THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR REAL FAMILY, AND I SUGGEST YOU DO IT. WITH THIS ADDED OFFER OF BECOMING PART OF THE BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY, THERE ARE SOME REASONS THAT DIRTY-MINDED COUSIN BUTCHIE THINKS OF -- IS THE WIFE INSANE, OR DOES SHE WANT A THREESOME? WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY ASKING YOU TO BE PART OF THEIR FAMILY? WHAT HAPPENS IF/WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND PASSES ON?
I THINK YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THESE TWO PEOPLE. YOU ARE YOUNG AND IN YOUR PRIME. IT MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED YET, BUT MR. RIGHT WILL COME ALONG. IF YOU DON'T JUST GET AWAY FROM THE OLDER BOYFRIEND, YOU MAY BE 35-40 WHEN HE DIES, AND THEN YOU'LL BE LOOKING FOR A YOUNGER HUSBAND.
BY ALL MEANS, DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR THERAPIST. I HAVE A STRANGE FEELING THAT I'M HEARING THIS BEFORE SHE IS!!!!!
Cousin Butchie may be contacted here on njgaylife.com or at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please feel free to write to me.
I am probably older than the twinks who write to you, but I do have something to share about coming out. It's totally my own experience, but I suspect the same type of thing has happened in many homes. I'd appreciate letting your young readers know what often goes on in their parents' heads when the kid finally comes out to them.
When I came out, my parents were calmly accepting and loving about my revelation. Each parent asked me not to tell the other. Since I was 16 years old and weary of the drama, I told both of them but at different times over the course of a weekend. When the "elephant" was out of the living room, my parents and I talked about my sexual orientation. They asked questions. I answered those questions. There were some emotional spells of tears and some humor. Mom and Dad were coping with my identity which was suddenly made known to them. Then it happened!
One week after I came out, I went to bed at about 11 PM and later began to hear my parents speaking to each other in the living room. I heard my name mentioned, and I rushed to the top of the stairs. I had a tape recorder with me so that I wouldn't forget their "conversation."
WHAT I HEARD.............
MOM: "OF COURSE HE'S THAT WAY. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN I SAW HIM LIP-SYNCING TO RICKY MARTIN."
DAD: "I JUST READ THAT IT'S ENTIRELY THE FAULT OF THE MOTHER. IF YOU HAD NOT ALLOWED HIM TO USE YOUR HAIR SPRAY WE WOULD NOT BE HAVING THIS CONTROVERSY RIGHT NOW."
MOM: "OH, NO! IT'S ALWAYS THE FATHER'S FAULT. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO CRUDE AND GROSS-- HORRIBLE TABLE MANNERS, BELCHING, FARTING, SCRATCHING YOURSELF AND NEVER PUTTING THE SEAT DOWN ON THE TOILET, PICKING YOUR NOSE, EXPECTORATING OUT THE CAR WINDOW AND YOUR CRUDE JOKES ABOUT THE FEMALE ANATOMY. NEED I GO ON? YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE TYPE OF MAN A SON WOULD NOT EMULATE OR WISH TO BE LIKE."
MOM AGAIN: "LOOK AT THE WAYS HE TRIED TO THROW US OFF THE TRACK. HE PLAYED SOCCER AND BASKETBALL, DATED SEVERAL GIRLS AND HE HAS MANY GIRLS VISIT HERE. WHEN I HAD A SLIGHT SUSPICION, I WENT ON A SEARCH MISSION IN HIS ROOM. REMEMBER? I ACCIDENTLY LOOKED IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF HIS DRESSER AND FOUND SEVERAL LITTLE BROWN BOTTLES AND SOME RAINBOW CONDOMS. WHEN I TOOK THEM UPSTAIRS FOR YOU TO TAKE A LOOK, YOU JUST LAUGHED (because you are a moron.)
DAD; "OMG! IT WAS YOUR DECISION TO USE MY HARD EARNED MONEY TO SEND HIM TO THE CATHOLIC ALL BOYS PREP SCHOOL. I NOW UNDERSTAND WHY HE LOVED SCHOOL. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A BUFFET FOR HIM!"
DAD AGAIN: "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU ALWAYS WANTED A DAUGHTER SO YOU TREATED HIM LIKE ONE....MAKING HIM ALWAYS DRESS PREPPY, GETTING HIS HAIR STYLED ...NOT JUST CUT, AND TAKING HIM TO PLAYS IN NEW YORK AND LETTING HIM TAKE BALLET LESSONS."
MOM: "I SUPPOSE YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO STOP GOING TO CHURCH. HE WENT WITH ME WHILE YOU STAYED HOME WATCHING PORN AND SENDING MESSAGES TO RUSSIAN GIRLS WHO JUST WANT COMPANIONSHIP."
COUSIN BUTCHIE, THERE IS MORE OF THEIR BICKERING ON MY TAPE RECORDER, BUT I THINK YOU GET THE IDEA. NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS WERE MADE IN MY PRESENCE, BUT I WANT TO ADDRESS THEM ABOUT THIS FIASCO OF IGNORANCE.
Thank you for sharing this with us at NJGAYLIFE. My feeling is that your parents may be facing other issues in their relationship and your coming out was an opportunity to lash out at each other. I don't think it would be wise for you to bring up what you overheard. Just be yourself and let them gradually adjust. (Leave some PFLAG+++++ literature around where they will see it. [I will be glad to send some literature to anyone requesting it. Please go to www.KippyNJ and tell me how to mail it to you. You may also call the PFLAG Helpline at (908) 300-4227. The Helpline is also (primarily) for parents and LGBT young people. You can vent, ask questions and receive caring answers.
+++++ PFLAG is the shortened name of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians & Gays.
IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO, WHY NOT GO ON YOU TUBE AND KEY IN THE "IT GETS BETTER" ENTRIES. YOU WILL GET TO HEAR HOW OTHERS HAVE DEALT WITH COMING OUT. IN MY OPINION, GIVEN A LITTLE TIME, YOU WILL HAVE A MORE OPEN COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. ALSO, IN A CALM DSCUSSION, ASK YOUR PARENTS TO LISTEN TO YOU==== KEEP IT POSITIVE AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT YOU LET THEM KNOW THAT IT'S NOT THEIR "FAULT.' IF THEY SEEM TO BE READY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ORIENTATION, GIVE THEM ALL THE TIME THEY NEED.... AND YOU MIGHT SUGGEST THE HELP OF A THERAPIST.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
Let me start at the beginning, okay?
I met my lover and soul mate 15 years ago when we were both in kindergarten. Don't let anyone try to tell you that it can't happen. Rip (not his real name) sat next to me for arts and crafts, and we played on the playground together. One day, he asked me to come to his house so he could change clothes before we played ball. When he took off his chinos and I saw him just in his jockey shorts, my heart skipped a beat. I liked everything about Rip and I couldn't even explain the attraction. Through the next few years, we studied together, played together, had sleepovers when his parents or mine were out for the night, We had other "boy" friends, but they were just boys we played ball with and belonged to the Cub Scouts and 4H with. I always wanted to kiss Rip, but I didn't dare to try it.
When we both were accepted at the same prep school, we did just about everything together. Rip was at my house many times for dinner and so we could study together. We had the same sense of humor, and we also talked about how dating some of the girls from school just didn't seem all that great to us. Of course, we were also on the same sports teams, and there were lots of times when we showered together with the other boys. It was then that my hormones (and his) started kicking in, and we realized that we were also physically attracted to each other and more than just friends. People often would mistake us for brothers, and some even said twins.
The boys at school did some of the sexual experimenting that seems to always happen in the adolescent years. The difference was that the other boys were horsing around and talking about girls, but Rip and I were smitten with each other. We finally stopped the charade and came out to each other. I can honestly say that neiher of us had those special feelings for any other dudes. Things progressed well for us, and we went to the same college and were roomies at our request. We wrestled with the idea of telling our parents the truth. Actually, both sets of parents accepted the fact that we were best friends, and they never seemed to suspect that we were gay. We both had other friends, but there was no romantic side to it. I'm totally sure that none of them ever suspected we were gay and madly in love with each other.
Last year, I think I was extremely and lividly mad at Rip. It all seemed so simple. We were having dinner at my parents' house and my mom dropped an entire casserole dish. Rip laughed his ass off, making my mom very angry. She told Rip that he was rude and unkind and that she didn't appreciate his laughing at the accident she had with the baking dish. Mom carried on for a long time about this incident. THEN RIP DROPPED THE BOMB... HE SAID 'MRS.D., I APOLOGIZE, BUT I ALSO THINK THIS IS ONE HELL OF A WAY TO TREAT THE PERSON WHO IS GOING TO BE YOUR SON-IN-LAW." Rip had outed both of us to my mom, and she became slightly hysterical running to take a tranquilizer.
Rip is relieved and proud of what he did. He points out that there are times when it's exactly the right time to come out, and that we were long overdue. Both sets of parents had to have some inkling of the friendship between Rip and me. His parents, by the way, were told the news by my mom. They were not upset or a problem at all. They told me that they were waiting for me to tell them and were surprised it had taken so long for the cat to get out of the bag.
My mom (and dad) are quickly getting over the shock, but they still show a certain coldness to Rip. His parents, on the other hand, are asking about wedding plans, if we intend to adopt, etc.
I think Rip was way out of place, but I love him more than words can say, and I am also relieved that we don't need to "pussy foot" around my parents. By that I mean, we can hug and even kiss at my house, and he's calling my mom by that name MOM.
What's your take on this? I think your advice is usually very balanced and well thought out.
FIRST OF ALL, I THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS.
TIGER, I PERSONALLY FEEL THAT RIP AND YOU HAVE A GREAT HISTORY LEADING TO HAVING A LOVING AND EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. RIP PROBABLY DID ACT IMPULSIVELY, BUT I THINK THAT IT WAS A FAST WAY TO 'COME OUT' AND IT DIDN'T REQUIRE THE ANGST AND ANXIETY WHICH ARE ALL TOO COMMON IN A COMING OUT SCENARIO. IT PROBABLY HELPED IN THE LONG RUN THAT YOUR FAMILY AND RIP'S FAMILY HAD GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO THE FRIENDSHIP YOU BOTH SHARED OVER THE YEARS. PERSONALLY, I DON'T AGREE THAT IT NEVER ENTERED YOUR MOM'S MIND THAT YOU GUYS COULD BE MORE THAN FRIENDS.
IT'S A CLICHE WORTH PONDERING; IT TOOK YOU A GOOD NUMBER OF YEARS TO ARRIVE AT THE POINT WHERE YOU REALLY WANTED TO COME OUT. SO.... GIVE YOUR PARENTS SOME TIME TO GET USED TO IT. FROM THE SOUND OF IT, THIS WILL MOST LIKELY BE A QUICK TRANSFORMATION PERIOD.... AND SINCE YOUR PARENTS AND RIP'S PARENTS ARE FRIENDS, THE PROCESS COULD BE FASTER THAN YOU IMAGINE.
BEST OF LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU! COUSIN BUTCHIE HAS ALWAYS HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY HE MET IN KINDERGARTEN, BUT AS IN MOST CASES, IT REMAINS JUST A MEMORY OF A FEW YEARS OF HAVING BEEN 'BEST BUDDIES' --AND MY SANDBOX MR. RIGHT IS NOW MARRIED AND HAS A BABY ON THE WAY.
You are welcome to send questions and comments here at njgaylife.com or you may use a different screen for questions you don't want answered online by using email@example.com.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am very new at dating. I knew I was gay when I was 12 but I have just started to have enough confidence to date other guys. I am now 17. Things have been great most of the time. I have met several guys who started as sex partners but will be my friends forever. There is one really hot dude I started dating two weeks ago. We've been intimate, but not as far as he wants. The deal is that he is into something called "rimming." When I refused because it sounded too strange for me, the dude became angry, but we still made wild and crazy love. When I asked my friends to explain what rimming meant, they treated it all like a hoot until I begged them to be serious. I have looked it up, and I know that it's not something I ever want to do. My hot dude keeps pressing the issue, and I'm actually confused about it. It seems like I'm in the minority among all gay men about this practice. What do you think I should do. One of my buds offered to show me how it's done. I'm sure I can figure it out, but I just am so not into it.
First of all, when it comes to any kind of sex, if both partners are not in agreement that they want to do it and that they enjoy it there needs to be some discussion. Never allow anyone talk you into doing something which turns you off. In this case, i would venture to say that I know it's a seemingly common practice and it does have very similar straight counterparts, but do not yield your basic instincts. If this dude really loves and cares for you, he will respect your limits. I might mention that some guys have been persuaded to have unsafe sex, etc. Just use your own commonsense, and don't apologize.
Just a brief message from Cousin Butchie..... My computer is not working right on this site, but I do want to share a truly beautiful thought for the day.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES
REALLY GOOD FOR NOTHING.
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE
WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
QUESTIONS MAY BE SENT DIRECTLY TO WWW.KIPPYNJ@AOL.COM.
Hi Cousin Butchie!
How are you? I hope you can help me by giving your honest opinion of where my relationship is headed.
I met this older guy (31) at Gay Pride in NY in 2011. It all started when we hooked up and he convinced me to come back to his NY apartment so we could relax after an exciting but exhausting day, The apartment was gorgeous and had an awesome view of the Statue of Liberty and the NJ skyline. We kind of agreed that we were such a match that getting intimate-- very intimate-- would be the right thing to do. I was 15 at the time and I never really had found a lover yet. Lover Boy (not his real name) was very patient and I enjoyed the experience a whole lot.
Lover Boy and I began seeing each other two or three times a week. One night when we were five months into our relationship the jig was up. , I was getting comfortable and drinking a few Tanqueray Gimlets while Lover Boy was in the shower. Then the phone rang and I was stunned by the message from HIS WIFE. She asked why he didn't phone her if he wasn't coming home for dinner. She then was telling Lover Boy not to forget to be home tomorrow in time for their SON's Little League game. She then said she hired a babysitter for their DAUGHTER. She finished by asking him to phone back and let her know how late he was working that night. I never let on that I heard the wife's message. I was more than a little plastered from the gimlets and as soon as Lover Boy came out of the shower we hopped into bed. There was no way I wanted to ruin my time with him. Lover Boy is a wealthy professional who was more than great in the bedroom--also in the kitchen and living room, but that's not the issue.
One day I was talking to a few of my gay friends. We never actually talked about being gay. When I told them about Lover Boy all of us were relieved to stop the games. They are all about my age, and one was bragging about his wild and crazy sexual hookups. Then they asked me if we had safe sex and I explained that Lover Boy is allergic to latex condoms. These newly "out" gay friends really annoyed me. They said to drop Lover Boy because he was using me because of my age. They said lots more, and I didn't talk to any of them for a week. I want Lover Boy in my life forever. When I told him that I knew about the wife and kids, he stuttered a little and then he told me that he would get a divorce when the kids were a little older AND that the two of us would have a charmed life together. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love him. I know he's telling the truth and that we will probably marry once he divorces his wife. Am I wrong for wanting this kind of future?
Feelings are feelings, and there is no right or wrong.... however there are big issues between you and Lover Boy and his family. Reality demands that you really consider your friends' opinions. And since you wrote to me, I will give you the answer you need right now.
Boy, break up with Lover Boy immediately. The probability that Lover Boy will divorce and marry you is a crock! I'm willing to bet that when you get a little older (maybe 25) he will find another young teenage boy to meet his needs. There will still be the same issues, but a new trick will not.
ALSO.... Lover Boy is undoubtedly having sex with you and his wife and probably an indefinite number of males he can encounter in a bookstore or men's restroom.
MORE IMPORTANTLY... GO FOR AN HIV TEST IMMEDIATELY. You may have lucked out and Lover Boy was carrying no nasty diseases. If not, you need to find out right now. If you test positive, you will be taking effective meds and dealing with HIV all your life. In most cases, effective management by an HIV specialist needs to be started soon. And if this is the case, you might have an obligation morally to tell his wife.
I am concerned about you because you were hooked up with a Daddy who gave an underage you alcohol, physically satisfying years of sex and the risk of a lifetime of managing HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.
You deserve better treatment. It may not happen right away, but you will meet and date hot guys close to your age, and one of them will be Mr. Right for you.
You need to tell Lover Boy that the secrets are out and those secrets have made you reconsider your "relationship" with him.
WALK AWAY, BOY AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I know that this is NY Pride Weekend, and I have some really great gay friends who want me to go with them tomorrow. I am 22 years old, and when I was 9 years old I was sexually molested by my older brother and we kind of fooled around after that for a couple of years. This background has me very feeling that I was traumatized and probably am not really gay at all. I have dated girls and felt attracted to them in the same way I am aroused by other men. My gay friends think I'm hallucinating or something-- and that I don't really feel attracted to women AT TIMES. They can't understand my feelings and usually change the subject if I try to talk about it. To add to the problem is the fact that one of my friends is MUCH MORE THAN A FRIEND, and I don't want to weird him out because I am the way I am. I would want this dude for my husband.
Basically, that's why I don't want to go to NY tomorrow, and I really am feeling so conflicted about my sexual feelings.
NOT FEELING SO GAY
Dear Not Feeling So Gay,
Thank you for reaching out to understand your feelings and attraction. There are many young boys who have experiences similar to yours. They can probably deal with this until they suddenly awaken to the fact that they have equally strong feelings towards girls.
I suggest that you give yourself a break and think of yourself as bisexual. You should have a therapist help you sort this all out, and there are many listed right here on NJGayLife.com.
As for the NY Pride celebrations tomorrow in NY (and held throughout the year in different parts of the world) remember that it is not called 'gay pride' any longer. It's 'LGBT Pride.' the "b" is for 'bisexual' and this means that people of all different shades of the rainbow are welcome.
Not at this precise moment....but in the near future, why not discuss this with one of your good gay friends. Most would welcome the fact that you took him into your confidence. It's a given that many, many gay dudes first claim to be bisexual. They kind of figure that if this news doesn't kill their parents, the gay announcement later on will be much easier.
Please consider what I have written and allow yourself to act with less discomfort. Some therapy will help as well. For the present time, try not to make a commitment of love to anyone. When it all becomes clearer to you, things will fall in place with a male or female.
I will never forget the song of a wonderful African-American Catholic nun who died far too soon of cancer. All her life people asked who she was, and her reply in a beautiful gospel format was 'whenever people ask you who you are, tell them you're a child of God (or the universe).
Now, tell your friends you will go with them, and have a fabulous time. Keep in mind that you are very much welcome (even if you're straight). Realize that your friends might hope you come to a resolution that you are gay, but I know of very few who would reject you.
Now... Pick out what you're wearing tomorrow... And Cousin Butchie will look for you there!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have a few questions I just can't discuss with my friends. I promise you I will be spot on describing what's bothering me so long as you remove any clues that might give away my identity.
I am sixteen years old and have two varsity letters at a private boys prep school. I am also gay, but only a few really close friends know this is a fact. When I attempted to come out to other dudes I thought needed to know, they absolutely refused to believe me. In some way, I suppose that's a compliment.
So, here goes. I am not as large in my private personal parts as most other boys my age. I don't like changing in the locker rooms or taking showers with my classmates. Nobody has actually said they think I'm a "pee-wee" but they must notice. Since I check out what they've got, I am certain they do the same to me. So....first I need to know if size counts for gay dudes like me. Then I must know why so many of my classmates think nothing about getting erections in front of all the other dudes. Sometimes it looks like a Viagra epidemic has hit the lockers, showers and the pool where most of the time we swim naked. I am the unsuspected gay guy and the rest who claim to be straight have a great tme running around with their erections waving in all their glory. They have an hilarious time comparing boner size, grabbing each other "down there" to throw each other off balance and having speed contests-- which I'm sure I don't need to spell out for you. They are all heterosexuals and assume I am also. Honestly, when I see some of them in their birthday suits, I'm tempted to throw caution to the winds and go after what I really desire. When my classmates are engaged in their sexcpades they are almost always talking about some girl. When I do get involved in the game, little do they know I'm either thinking about Matt Damon or Neil Patrick Harris. Honestly, if I ever sensed that these guys were interested in oral sex, I would probably become the favorite player on the team.
Whay do you think I should do? School's out for a few months, so I can work on a strategy.
KIND OF BASHFUL TINY TIM
Dear Kind of Bashful,
To answer your first question-- I think that size does count, but mostly in the respect that every guy checks out his friends and classmates. He may try to make the looks fast and not seen, but men do check out other men, even if it's just to reassure themselves. The physiology of the penis can be deceptive. What looks small when flaccid (go look that up) can become larger than imagined when erect. The direct opposite can also be true. The old belief that it's not the size that counts but how you use it seems to ring true. Just by way of example, if you fell madly in love with another guy and then discovered that he was a bit lacking under the tightie whities would generally not be a deal breaker. He might have other assets, like a father who owns all of Greenwich Village. In all seriousness, you will find that there are gay men who make size a major issue--and others who are really more comfortable with a little less.
You bring up the interesting topic of supposedly straight men cavorting around without clothes and becoming sexually aroused by each other. Cousin Butchie thinks this is a fairly common situation in early adolesence. It may be curiosity or just the feeling of experimenting with their peers. Much as I hate to say it, gay males are often experimenting and getting their kicks from whomever is most available. In an all boys' prep school, I don't think this kind of behavior is alarming at this level of development in a boys' school. Being a gay male, as you are, who isn't suspected of being gay seems way too good to be true. Just enjoy the show, and relax in the fact that you need not worry about your own arousal. It would just make you seem to fit in more. Enjoy this while it lasts.
By the way, memorize the names of several girls, so you can start saying them out loud if you ever feel that the other boys are starting to think you're enjoying things too much. If you can find the time amidst all of the action at school, don't forget to focus on your gay friends. It would be unfair to abandon them at a time like this. Like it or not, the probability that one of your gay buddies will sooner or later become your spouse means you might want t keep the fly zipped as much as possible...except when you and your gay buddies party safely.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I was going to write to you before, but I was so totally bummed out that I just couldn't get it together enough to write. I don't want to add to the problem by writing details people might recognize, so I am presenting things with a few major changes.
My younger brother was gay, and I am gay. Younger Bro came out to me when he was twelve years old, and I was fifteen. I listened to him tell about bullying and abuse in school. Right or wrong, he and I messed around a lot. We shared a bedroom, so I guess it was bound to happen. I told him that I wanted to make sure that he really was gay and that he understood the mechanics of it all. I wasn't just being the kind Older Bro. I enjoyed the intimacy and the fun we shared. I'll also justify my actions by telling you that I taught him about safe sex, and I helped him realize that being gay was not a choice. My brother then got involved with a girl and he thought he was in love with her. I don't know if they ever had sex, but my brother told me they didn't. We were having a heart to heart conversation, and I could tell he was confused and very upset. I told him to be very careful about marrying for the sake of marrying-- that it was unfair to the girl and that gay men who marry like this don't stand much chance of happiness.
I am very guilty about two paramount things. First of all, I committed incest with my own brother. More importantly, my brother took a lethal combination of pills and alcohol when I was away for a few days on a camping trip. Had I been within reach, my brother would have called me and this would neer have happened. And the incest was something I totally encouraged. I know it's illegal and I think it might have tipped the scales and made him decide on a gay.
I hope this makes sense to you. My little brother has been gone for over a month, my parents are both acting like walking zombies. And I feel like a total tool for introducing him how to act on his gay feelings. It would be bad enough doing this with anyone, but starting my brother having sex with me was an unforgivable sin-- incest.
As I sign this, I have tears in my eyes, and I don't know how I will ever tell my parents about this horrible sin I forced him to commit with me. Then when he needed to really talk it out with me, I was nowhere to be found. Our religion frowns on suicide and this one action could be the end of my brothers chance to experience eternal life.
May God forgive me!
Dear Feeling So Guilty,
I thank you for writing and giving yourself a chance to get a better perspective on the tragedy you experienced with you brother. I will try to be as clear as possible. Dude, this is no time to heap more pain and guilt on yourself. You are obviously suffering a great deal working out your own emotions now.
First of all, I believe that a very high percentage of early teenagers and younger (of all orientations) are known to have had sexual relations with a sibling. Speaking only for myself, Cousin Butchie sees no harm in this type of "playing around" unless it is against the one sibling's will or if the younger child has little or no ability to consent. It's important to understand that the real reason incest was forbidden in the bible (and in society today) was the fact that very serious medical consequences result when two siblings have sex and their genetic chemistries become mixed, often resulting in the conception of a child with extremely serious birth defects. It is this final result of what was intended to be almost a case of "playing doctor" but the chromosomes result in a seriously, often fatal, outcome for the baby.
The good news which attaches itself to the above paragraph is that siblings of the same gender can, and often do, have some experimentation with sex and it can be considered part of the maturing process. I've heard of this type of sexual situation being a healthy "practice time" which will make you feel better and more able to perform sexually when a partner comes along.
The surviving relative often blames himself/herself for not being there for their sibling when this presence would have stopped the tragedy of suicide. DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR WHAT ANOTHER PERSON DOES WITH HIS/HER LIFE. It's reasonable to believe that your brother had sufficient time to consider how he wanted his life to go, the friends he chose and the final outcome of his choices. Sorry to say, but your little brother made his own choices, did not reach out to you for the more serious help he needed. Well, he waited until you were on a camping trip and could not be reached. However we talk it up, your brother finally has the peace which he just didn't find in life.
I can only guess the type of religious background which offers little solace to your parents in the case of a suicide. Many clergymen and women of all faiths will tell you that suicide is the unfortunate action of a person whose mental state of mind seems to offer him/her no choice. Cousin Butchie (and many priests he knows) believes that the person in a state of great anxiety, depression, self-condemnation. etc. makes that person his/her own victim and blameless before his/her Maker. Since I believe that your feelings of guilt also evolve from the incest taboo in the bible. I'm not a scripture scholar, but I can tell you that the forbidding of incest, like so many parts of the ancient "holiness" code was based on health concerns. Inbreeding has been an unfortunate result of opposite sex incest. The eating of meat and dairy in the same meal was meant to prevent serious illness at a time when the refrigeration of meat and dairy was impossible, serious illness was prevented by not eating both types of food at the same meal. Even circumcision was required because of the infections which occur when the foreskin is not thoroughly washed.
AND JUST FOR REFERENCE, WRITE DOWN THE TELEPHONE NUMBER OF THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE. KEEP IT ON HAND IN CASE YOU OR A FRIEND NEEDS SOMEONE TO LISTEN AND TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. THE NUMBER IS 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I'll make this fast and to the point. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I have been waiting for years to come out to my mom. (I am 17). My dad desserted us both when I was eight years old. I don't want to hurt my mom, but I think I have waited long enough to tell her. I also figure she'll be drinking tomorrow so I can tell her when she's buzzed.
Okay, I'll make my answer short and to the point as well.
This question comes up at every holiday, and the answer is always the same. NO!
Find a quiet ordinary day to tell her. But, you know, maybe the alcohol buzz isn't a bad idea ON A DIFFERENT DAY!
You don't want to forever be compared to the grinch that stole Christmas!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
School is just about over in a month, and I will be graduating from high school and going to a college hundreds of miles away. I have made a lot of friends during my four years in high school, and I will misss most of them. The problem is that I have also made some good gay dude friends. We came out together or close to the same time. We also went from experimenting with each other to really having really erotic sex. We have been like a special group of gay boys who could trust each other, get it on together, fight the bullies together and share our deepest feelings and problems. In a month that will all end. We may never see each other again, and this really bugs the crap out of me. What can possibly happen to make this less traumatic for me, and for the rest of them too? I am sure that other gay dudes must be facing the same anxiety right about now.
Flying on a Jet Plane
First of all, to make this situation a little less a gay issue for you, realize that most of the heterosexuals in your school are facing the same dilemma or some part of it. I'm thinking of saying that we gay men tend to put too much drama into our life experiences, but I won't. In this case many closest, closer and close friends will experience a smilar sadness and angst because they are being forced to quickly break up a relationship at any level. The str8 kids probably didn't have as much time bonding and making their sexual relationships stay alive at such distant places.
Graduation is a very bittersweet time for ALL high school students who have been friends or much more than friends. As a gay bunch of buddies, you may share some wild and crazy stories about your escapades, but this all applies to every str8, bi, or undeniably gay man or woman.
School can be a time for separation because you may leave no means to contact.
No matter how far you will be from your "best gay anyone" there are also very rapid emails you can send to keep in touch. Then there's the new telephones, etc. Use the means at your disposal to keep up with (or hooked up with) these friends who are now so important. MANY OF THESE FRIENDS WILL REMAIN FRIENDS, TO SOME EXTENT, FOR LIFE.
For others, it's sad to say, but they may cease being anything more than a friend.
College opens up many new doors for learning and new relationships. It happens more than we might have imagined. But there is absolutely no place when you are hundreds of mile apart to make sure that he still lusts after you the way you lust after him. With thousands of new people all around them, it's a pretty good bet that you will be swept off your feet or loafers by some new dude and you will quickly fall for him. It's the way human nature seems to work, and it's pretty much what will happen to you.
No matter what person the future has in store for you, be pretty sure that the hormones will tell the story.
My advice is to make yourself socially active, not to the exclusion of your classes, and test the waters for partners with whom you feel you may click. Don't let your "ex" down too hard by email. As fate would have it, you may wind up back with your first crush after four years in different schools. In this case, see each other during vacations and keep aware of whether you still feel the same and if your partner does.
It's hard to recognize at this moment, but there just may be some partner you will become so insanely in love with that you see fireworks whenever you're in his/her presence.
Do the best you can to keep in contact with your local main squeeze. But always be open to a new lover who endears to your heart. And your "ex" may be having exactly the same experience. Go with it and you'll be more mature, more certain of your life's path and some surprises that path holds. And then, for the always hopeful, the surprise just mean that you and your high school honey bun may have gone though his/her own dating mill...and it all came back to you.
Good luck and don't let worry ruin even a part of your college years. What will be, will be.
You are all welcome to communicate with Cousin Butchie in his column, or if you fear that you may not be anonymous, use your chosen name and write to me at www.kippynj.com Just write Cousin Butchie on the subject line. If your letter is used, I will disguise anything indentifiable in your letter. Mark that you only want a private answer, and you'll get it. Each one of you is special to me because we are all special to one another-- or we would make this world a hell of a lot better if we did.
Cousin Butchie (I don't say "Dear" because you are not dear to me any longer.)
Well, my date was last night. You remember that I wrote to ask you how to get a conversation going. with a hot dude I had never met before. You gave me a lot of pointers on what to say and what not to say. I cut classes today because I am still so exasperated.
Here's what went down. We met at Houlihan's in Bridgewater. We were seated right away, and I began asking questions like "Do you come here often?" and I thought things were going fine. I interrogated him for about thirty minutes. I also gave him a wink to call his attention to the extremely over the top bus boy. He smiled and we both laughed a little. My new friend then excused himself to go to the men's room. AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM. He must have found a way to escape using the security door OR he could have walked around the bar area and out the front door.
I waited for him for a long time and asked the hostess if she had seen him. She said that he paid her for the drinks and appetizers we had shared. She thanked me because he had also given her a large tip for the waiter.
So, was my blind date rude? Why won't he answer my calls on his cell phone?
Hey pal, I'm sorry things went wrong! I also consider your date's conduct to be rotten. And there's no doubt in my mind that he was rude and uncaring. Whether you want to call me "dear" or not, I want you to understand that your Cousin Butchie is totally on your side. Even the writers for the "Dear Abby" column sometimes are surprised by the bad manners and childishness of someone like your date.
Now what might you do? Put this dude out of your mind. NEVER allow yourself to obsess over him. You dated a rotten apple type of dude and you now need to banish this guy from your thoughts. You know that someone else will come along and treat you the right way.
I've been told that most negative situations have a positive side. It's usually true. In your case, the schmuck did pay the hostess for the check.
Remember, my friend, that you have learned two very important lifetime lessons. First, you can often run across other men and women who have no manners and will let you down. I would venture to say that 95% of gay/bi men would never pull a stunt like this character pulled on you. AND equally important... for first dates especially ,make sure you drive your own car and the other guy drives his. Also make sure that one or two people you really trust know your plans for the evening. In the beginning when dating someone new, this is a very important safety assurance for you.
I really hope I am "dear" once again! LOL
Cousin Butchie has had more than a few requests for his opinion on the conduct of Archbishop John Myers of Newark, NJ and the metropolitan (head honcho) for all of NJ.
I will cut to the chase and say that his conduct in transferring a pedophile priest to an office job, but letting him fill in as a priest on call in several parishes is not in accord with the way the National Catholic Bishops Conference has claimed that all sex abuse cases be handled. In fact, since the "clergy crisis" reared its head in 2002-2003, it has become obvious that members of the hierarchy have not complied with their own guidelines on the handling of sex abuse cases. Some bishops have been extraordinarily open and transparent with the media. Other. besides John Myers have been Cardinal Mahoney in Los Angeles, Bishop Justin Rigali in Philadelphia....and church leaders scattered across the United States. In conjunction with our own problems in this country, there have been very similar ways of "handling" the sex abuse problem in Canada, France, Germany, Ireland,,,,, and the list goes on.
Archbishop John Myers made the extremely stupid move of placing a pedophile priest in the position of chaplain at Saint Michael's Medical Center in Newark. As has been his practice with others, the people at the problem priest's' new assignments are never told the priestss' histories. There could be no job which would possibly give the priest more access to children than making him a chaplain. No one would question or even pay much attention to a chaplain going into a child's room.
So very many of our members of the hierarchy "pussy foot" around and defy civil law becaue so many are discovered to be gay themselves. That fact is that gay NEVER is equal to PEDOPHILE.
I think that Archbishop John Myers should be forced to resign. Hopefully, it would not be a transfer to a higher position in Rome. I truly believe that the John Paul 11 days are gone. Pope Francis has made enough statements and radically different (and better) changes in the Vatican protocol and customs. He has specifically said that the clergy abuse crisis must be dealt with justly and quickly.
I can't say much more...but it is my educated opinion that everything printed in the Star-Ledger about Myers (especially the editorial insisting he resign). The defense and rebuttal from the Archbishop and his spokesman have made no sense.
I also want to say that I know there are many gay priests right in the arcdiocese, and across the world. I have alwys found them to be superior men who support the gay community in subtle ways-- ways that will not get them fired.
The buzz words now are "Change the leaders. Save the Church."
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have another blind date on Wednesday. It was arranged for me by a girl in my physics class. She told me that he's really good looking and that she thinks we would make an ideal match. I've had so many other blind dates which went nowhere and I rarely, if ever, saw the guy again.
I would appreciate it if you would critique the subjects I have always brought up on these first dates. If you think they were the cause of me still be single, let me know.
1. You're the kind of guy I've been looking for...like someone to cook and clean the apartment for me.
2. Are you on any anti-viral drugs?
3. I like to be a top but for someone like you I would be a bottom.
4. Do you like to eat dinner before we get it on or after?
5. Do you have Trojans? Are they the Magnums?
6, My ex-boyfriend was perfect in every way, and I don't know why we broke up.
7. Do you have a place or do you want to rent a motel room?
8. My mother expects me home by 11 PM or she worries.
9. You look like someone I met at the adult bookstore. Could it be you?
10. You simply must see my porn collection.
Dear Usually Dateless,
Some of the questions and topics you bring to a first date are not so cool. Some of the questions and statements MIGHT work after a few dates, but I'll give you a listing of boring questions and topics. They won't make the other guy feel awkward or suspicious. So, here goes:
1. Have you grown up in NJ? Where did you go to high school?
2. What's your major or what major do you intend to pursue in college?
3. What movie/television entertainers do you find attractive.
4. Did you have any problems coming out?
5. What's your favorite sport... if you have one. I am kind of lame in that area.
6. Nice menu here. What's your favorite cuisine?
7. In the area, what are you favorite one day excursions? I like Asbury Park for nightlife and Sandy Hook for the hell of it.
8. Are you a Democrat or a Republican? (actually, a non-brainer on a gay date_.
9. There are probably a hundred different brands of underwear for men. Do you have a favorite.
10. I really hope to see you again, and I hope you feel the same.
So, Usually Dateless,
Avoid mentioning your "ex" boyfriend.
Don't bring up HIV or safe sex on the first date unless you are absolutely sure you're going to be a slut on the first date. Get to know him first, and the risk you run is only getting into a relationship with an HIV Positive man (or maybe you are in that situation). If you really like the guy and you are going crazy not jumping his bones, you may well find that the HIV status doesn't matter so much as the commitment to always be safe. I know many sero-discordant couples (One's positive, one's not) and it works out beautifully. Don't rule it out or you may miss the love of your life.
Also, skip any references to your mother's curfew for you. And don't advertise the fact that you've been to an adult bookstore. They, justifiably, have a bad reputation and kind of questionyour moral compass. AND don't discuss your preferred sex positions (roles). If you hit it off, you'll discover all that and you'll probably learn that "versatile" isn't a floor covering.
Good luck. Calm down, and be sure to let me know how it all turns out.
Comments and replies are welcome at the NJGayLife.com website. For the many who want a faster answer and the promise of confidentiality, please go to WWW.KippyNJ.Com and type COUSIN BUTCHIE on the subject line.
My Dear Readers,
In my last blog a few days ago I answered a young man whose mother had recently passed away. It centered on his bereavement and how to honor his mom's memory on special "specific anniversary" dates. Cousin Butchie thought he answered pretty well since it was also very similar to the events in Cousin Butchie's life.
I have had comments from one of my friends. He wouldn't think of posting a question or comment on line. Well, Sluggo told me that I had fallen into the Mother's Day "trap." He asked me how many times I had tried to buy a card for a parent and all the sentiments expressed on the card caused either laughter at their absurdty or the fact that they simply said everything on the card that the child wouldn't have told the parents EVER.
So, the valuable lesson, I believe, is not the card. If you have a parent who mentally or physically abused you....or threatened you with abandonment when you came out of the closet, you may want to send a very formal card and signing it "Very truly yours" to avoid the flowery expressions of love, by all means do it. In the entire gay and straight world there are some rotten parents. They probably ran out of condoms or birth control pills and let you know that you were an accident. There is no need for you to pretend that you grew up in a "Leave It to Beaver" kind of family, or a prototype of Bill Cosby's family show about the Huxtables.
And not to be morbid, but when such a parent passes on, don't beat yourself upside the head because you feel nothing. Kind of remnds me of a song with similar lyrics in Broadway's presentation of "Chorus Line." You don't ever need to pretend feelings that are simply lies.
The few elements you may find helpful: All families are dysfunctional to some extent or another. In fact, families which have the lunacy to say that there was nothing dysfunctional about their family-- beome dysfunctional by saying it. Were they the Holy Family of Nazareth??? The other thing you might wish to think about is what their lives were like growing up. Sometimes the horrible reality is that your parents lived through a very poor relationship with their parents-- your grandparents.
When we can look back and suddenly SEE AND UNDERSTAND that your parents seriously did the best they could have done, we're reaching a compassionate and often totally real step in the healing process. Raising a family well was simply uncharted territory.
Cousin Butchie hopes this sheds some light on another difficult situation so many people face, but they don't realize it because they block it from their memories or they just will not tell their friends the truth about it. It's certainly their right, but be alert for the clues they send out every so often.
[A cousin of mine was discussing her parents, and she said she would send a card and maybe buy the Godiva chocolates... but she would always remind herself that "mother" is often just half a word.) Buy the time I figured out what that meant (slow on the uptake) I found it so funny I laughed until I hiccupped.
Your questions and comments are always welcome. If you don't wish to put them online with NJGayLife.com please feel free to contact Cousin Butchie at www,KippyNJ@aol.com. Just be sure to write "Cousin Butchie" on the subject line.
Even when people try to bust my chops with a totally fabricated story, I answer. I'll never forget the dude who wrote asking me to offer up prayers and positive thoughts for his father who was out of a job for two years. I was told that Dad was legally blind but had his heart set on passing the exam to become a school bus driver!
Whenever you write with a question, you will remain anonymous. Fear not!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
As I understand it, many gay dudes are close to their mothers. It was true in my case because she gave me unconditional love and acceptance. To almost the same degree, my dad did also. Mom died last year, and the anniversary is coming up very soon. So is Mother's Day. I miss Mom a great deal and Dad very quickly found a new wife. She's a pleasant woman, but I can tell that she's not comfortable with me.
I don't know how I am going to make it through the first anniversary and Mother's Day. I do have a few friends, but they don't know what I am going through. It hasn't happened to them yet.
Any suggestions would be really appreciated.
Dear Very Sad,
Your Cousin Butchie here has the same problem, and so do many others. In reality, it is a dilemma which everyone will face at some point in their lives, yet I know how it hurts so much more when we're young.
I can only make suggestions which have done the trick for me. On the first anniversary of my mom's passing, I went to New York to see a play and have dinner in Little Italy. I had a very close "fag hag" (OMG! Terrible but very descriptive word) and she was happy to let me take her. I was in a bereavement group at the time, and the leader suggested that I NOT go to the cemetery on that day. Rather, he told me to do something my mom would have liked to do on that day. Looking back, I know that my mom liked going to the city and seeing plays and having dinner. So this is what we did, and it worked out fine. I felt my mom was with us even as I sheepishly ordered a third martini! Mom would have given me the evil eye on that third cocktail! My fag hag was driving so I put my mind at ease. I even told the waiter to make sure the olives were not put IN the glass--but on the side. Hey, olives take up space.
Very Sad, make a definite plan for the anniversary date. If you can't find a friend to accompany you, go to NY and take the Circle Line around Manhattan or adopt a kitten or run up your credit cards at the mall--anything to keep your thoughts on the happy side. And try to remember that your mom still lives in your heart and your memory. She can be with you in spirit that day, Above all, remember that your mom would not want you sad and moping around.
Now, Mother's Day is the annual sentimentality orgy of our culture. Go to church where you will know that many, many other people of all ages share your sorrow. Find a boyfriend you like and let him lift your spirits. If he's unavailable or is more or less a figment of your erotic imagination, go to the movies.
I really hope these suggestions help. Anything would be better than waking up on those two days and pulling the covers over your head until it's over. Also, slowly wean yourself from rehashing the anniversary date. Firmly believe that your mom is happy now and is watching over you. Show her how happy you were to have her in your life... and celebrate anything at all that the two of you did together for fun-- even if it was attending funerals.