Cousin Butchie

Friday, April 26, 2013
Bereavement
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

https://asoft7100.accrisoft.com/njgaylife/clientuploads/momtatt.pngDear Cousin Butchie,

As I understand it, many gay dudes are close to their mothers. It was true in my case because she gave me unconditional love and acceptance. To almost the same degree, my dad did also. Mom died last year, and the anniversary is coming up very soon. So is Mother's Day. I miss Mom a great deal and Dad very quickly found a new wife. She's a pleasant woman, but I can tell that she's not comfortable with me. 

I don't know how I am going to make it through the first anniversary and Mother's Day. I do have a few friends, but they don't know what I am going through. It hasn't happened to them yet. 

Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

Very Sad

 

Dear Very Sad,

Your Cousin Butchie here has the same problem, and so do many others. In reality, it is a dilemma which everyone will face at some point in their lives, yet I know how it hurts so much more when we're young.

I can only make suggestions which have done the trick for me. On the first anniversary of my mom's passing, I went to New York to see a play and have dinner in Little Italy. I had a very close "fag hag" (OMG! Terrible but very descriptive word) and she was happy to let me take her. I was in a bereavement group at the time, and the leader suggested that I NOT go to the cemetery on that day. Rather, he told me to do something my mom would have liked to do on that day. Looking back, I know that my mom liked going to the city and seeing  plays and having dinner. So this is what we did, and it worked out fine. I felt my mom was with us even as I sheepishly ordered a third martini! Mom would have given me the evil eye on that third cocktail!  My fag hag was driving so I put my mind at ease. I even told the waiter to make sure the olives were not put IN the glass--but on the side.  Hey, olives take up space. 

Very Sad, make a definite plan for the anniversary date. If you can't find a friend to accompany you, go to NY and take the Circle Line around Manhattan or adopt a kitten or run up your credit cards at the mall--anything to keep your thoughts on the happy side. And try to remember that your mom still lives in your heart and your memory. She can be with you in spirit that day, Above all, remember that your mom would not want you sad and moping around.

Now, Mother's Day is the annual sentimentality orgy of our culture. Go to church where you will know that many, many other people of all ages share your sorrow. Find a boyfriend you like and let him lift your spirits. If he's unavailable or is more or less a figment of your erotic imagination, go to the movies. 

I really hope these suggestions help. Anything would be better than waking up on those two days and pulling the covers over your head until it's over. Also, slowly wean yourself from rehashing the anniversary date. Firmly believe that your mom is happy now and is watching over you. Show her how happy you were to have her in your life... and celebrate anything at all that the two of you did together for fun-- even if it was attending funerals.


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Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Despair Leads Us Nowhere
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am a sophomore in high school and I am gay.  My parents know, and they just seem to deal with it, but we never have a meaningful discussion about the subject. After the Boston Massacre of yesterday, I was in the downstairs recreation room but I heard my dad say that it's all the result of the "unbelievable sin" in the world. My mom then said that God will not tolerate sexual promiscuity (how she refers to gay people) and abortion forever. Ok, I'm gay and I'm a dude, but I cried my eyes out last night when I heard this conversation. I mean, no shit there are horrible things going on in the world, but I didn't become part of the cause because I happen to love other boys but only like girls. I hope you understand. I feel so bummed out. By the way, no one at school knows I'm gay, but I want to tell you that many heterosexual boys (and girls) were crying at various times in school today. What can I do?

Not Deaf

 

Dear Not Deaf,

It is truly a tragedy which hit Boston yesterday, and there have been many other horrendous events happening in the world. People always look for a scape goat when they are looking for an answer. Unfortunately, your parents find some solace in blaming LGBT people (and pro-choice advocates) for world conditions. Sorry, Not Deaf, but they are mentally and emotionally and spiritually limited people. 

Horrible tragedies have been happening for centuries, but we weren't as aware back then because there wasn't the explosion of media information avaliable which we now have. At so many times in history, people felt despair and futility and fear when looking at the evil facing their respective times. 

Let me assure you that the idea that any diety allows murder and terrorism  is just not workable. I can't tell where the world is headed, but I feel relatively sure that these are not the end times AGAIN.  How many times have Jehovah's Witnesses and various evangelists made this claim. Even in the Bible, it was clear that the writers believed that they were living in the end times.

I suggest that you concentrate on being the best gay dude you can possibly be. That's not to become compulsively a "good boy." But reaffirm always that you are a good person with much to share with the world. Don't even try to argue with your parents. At some point they will welcome a candid conversation.... or if that never happens, you will find some very good peers in the gay community who will help you realize your own goodness, lovableness and potential.  {Just a word of warning though.  There are some LGBT people who have their own issues and don't serve as role models.  You're a sensitive dude.  You'll recognize them very quickly.)

Now, rest easy and concentrate on the light and love within you.


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Thursday, April 11, 2013
Enjoy a Professional Show in CNJ for $15
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

GREETINGS!  I am departing from my usual blog to bring your attention to a spectacular entertainer who will be doing a fundraiser in Bridgewater on May 5th at 6 PM.  The performer is Vincent Talarico and if you take a few minutes to look him up on You Tube or Bing.com you can preview what a dynamic and engaging entertainer he is.  He sings every genre of music, plays the drums, dances and tells humorous stories.  It's the kind of show you would feel comfortable sharing with a relative, maybe as an early Mother's Day present.  Cousin Butchie can swear to you that the $15 admission price is the best value you are likely to ever see anywhere in the metropolitan area.

I invite you to log onto www.KippyNJ.com and we can set up ticket reservations.

Vinnie will be doing this May 5th show at 6PM at the Somerville Elks, located at 375 Union Avenue, Bridgewater (08807).

The fundraiser is being held to assist the Somerville Seniors.  You can have a thoroughly entertaining evening while supporting a good cause.

BTW... Vinnie is a straight performer.... but hey, some of them are good too!  And Vinnie is excellent.

 

I'm in the process of answering several questions right now, so my blog will be"back to normal" very soon.  Well-- define "normal."

 

 


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Sunday, April 7, 2013
To Thine Own Self Be True
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I don't think you usually get letters like this, but here goes.

I am 22 years old and suffering from a form of leukemia which is very hard to treat.  After the second round of chemo, the doctors told me that I have less than six months left and that I should try to make the most of the remaining days.  I have no hair left, and it's not a downer for me because I always tried the bald look from time to time and some guys have told me that it's a turn on.  I looked in the bathroom mirror and almost kissed myself, so I know it's okay.

My problem, aside from impending death, is people offering me stupid "reasons" for my medical condition.  I've asked them to treat me the same as they always have and not to feel uncomfortable. I would rather be discussing plans for Jersey Pride on June 2nd or watching a funny gay-themed dvd or dish about just about everyone who isn't within the sound of our voices.  I want to live normally even if it won't be for very long.

So, here are the things that well-meaning people say to me and a brief example of how I choose to answer them.

1.  Everything happens for a reason. My reply is NOT!!!  This is a catch all reason people give when they don't know anything else to say..  You can scour the Bible from front to back and never find this question/statement answered.

2.  This could be the end of days. My reply is a yawn.  You people are always looking for signs of the end of time.  How many times has someone insisted that doomsday is upon us, sometimes even giving a specific date.  Even if I go back to their Bible I can show them that no one knows the time or the date or any of the details about this event.  Just maybe they can see that each and every generation has expereinced some reason to believe we are the last people who will inhabit the earth. I want to enjoy my remaning days without having to believe that everyone else in the world comes with me. Like who would attend my funeral and say nice things about me--the things they haven't said up until now?

3.  You will be in a better place. No shit!  I mean, I hope you're right, but I can't dwell on it.  Like, is Adolph Hitler in a better place?  I'll be in a better  place.  Does that mean you want to join me?  Alway room for one more.    

4.  Christ died for your sins. And do you accept Jesus as your personal lord and savior?  Have you asked him into your heart?  OMG!  I am Jewish and I have very little time remaining on this earth. I believe none of the things you asked me, or I would have become a Christian somewhere along the way. What I can tell you is that there is no place in the Bible that tells me I must accept Jesus as my personal lord and savior.  As a Jewish dude who has made his Bar Mitzvah and participated in many of the corporal works of mercy that Christians often only talk about, I find it insulting to descend on me like vultures at the last moment with sure fire suggestions on how to save my soul. 

Jordan

Dear Jordan,

Thank you for writing a letter from your heart about what you are experiencing.  It may enligten others to be much more careful what they say to people who are critically ill.  You bring up some very good issues about what some Christians believe is the "right" thing to say to people. Often, it has to be a case that they don't know what to say.  Instead of letting you direct the conversation, they present statements and "beliefs" that do nothing to make the ill person feel better.

My one thought to leave with you at this time is that you seem to have a lot of spit and fight in you, and it doesn't hurt to believe that miracles do occur, often when least expected.

I wish you the best                                           

        


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Sunday, March 31, 2013
Another Holiday
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Hey, Cousin Butchie!

Happy Easter or Passover or whatever.  Although my family celebrates Easter, I backed out of their invitations to dinner and the interminable discussions which always occur...fueled by alcohol.  I went out real early and bought some bagels and newspapers.  Now, my phone will only accept messages.  Is there a solution to this family problem with holidays?  I hope for a day when I have a real friend-- a husband.  This was we can alternately visit our respective families and and answer as a team.  Or we can stay home and I'll buy more bagels.

Judas

Dear Brother (not Judas!!),

Your problem is by no means unique.  I am willing to bet that you are "out" to your parents, and it's the extraneous relatives who present the biggest challenge and the most grief.  It's been my observation that when a child (of any age) comes out of the closet, the parents very often run into that closet and close the door for awhile.  They are getting comfrotable with your orientation, but they are often not ready to explain it to the friends and relatives.  To my knowledge, parents who don't accept their LGBT offspring very often find that they have moved to a far away part of the country.

Another thought comes to mind.  Perhaps you know other LGBT people who have the same holiday difficulties.  Try advertising online and "creating a family" during the holidays.  You will  most likely establish close friendships and you will have the "chosen" family which will give you an entirely different perspective on the holidays.

P.S.  Make sure to ask each person wishing to join you to bring a special dish or a bottle of wine, etc.  This will take the financial burden off you and it will make the "new friends/family" feel that they aren't just observers.


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Sunday, March 24, 2013
Finding Mr. Right
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Hey Cousin Butchie,

I am new to the gay dating game.  I do know that it's dangerous for me to get involved with other gay dudes at school, but the search is so damn difficult. Like I went online and replied to ads from dudes who seemed compatible.  They all said they weren't interested in hooking up (having sex) on the first date.That seemed to be a good way to form a friendship leading to a relationship.  OK so far...but I met seven guys from online postings, and six of them were so hot to trot when we met that I found myself sexually involved before I could remember their names.  AND in some cases, the guys answering my ad described themselves in such fabulous terms that I was expecting to be meeting Ricky Martin.  It was horrible to discover an totally ugly dude with smelly breath, greasy hair and Salvation Army clothes. 

Without a Date at the Time Being

 

Dear Without a Date....

Right off the bat, I don't know why you  wrote  "I do know it's dangerous to get involved with other gay dudes at school."  Just out of curiosity, I wonder why you say this.  You are apparently out of the closet, and some real bonding and bromances can start in school that last a lifetime.  You also have a friend with benefits, which is not a bad thing.

As for the online dating.  I am not surprised that a dude online would say that he doesn't want to become sexually involved on the first date.  In my experience, the chances are very good that some level of sex will happen on the first date, and you are lucky if there is a second date!  Maybe it gets some excess baggage out of the way immediately.  Having said that, I know that there is definitely a second date when both of you have described yourselves truthfully.  If you attend the same school (I'm assuming college) you have a chance to make your new friend a great benefit in meeting others and living an "out" life at school.

Of course, you know that you must tell someone else when you go on a blind online date.  Let a good friend or your sister or your roommate know where you are meeting, where you are going and what time you expect to be home.  Also... don't assume that the first meeting will be chaste.  Bring condoms, even if you don't think you'll need them.

I will close by saying that I am not totally opposed to online dating.  In fact, two good friends of mine met this way, and they are celebrating more than ten years together.

 

 

 


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Tuesday, March 19, 2013
The Right to Stay Gay
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Greetings Readers!

In a few days, I will respond to some questions you have passed along to me, but I want to depart a little and just give you a candid and important "take" on a practice which is psychologically and emotionally damaging GLBT young people (of any age). 

Back in the 70's it is reported that several groups of "ex-gays" formed in an effort to help gay teenagers, and younger children, to become what they considered to be normal at the time. The groups then were called Agape, Exodus, Courage and several other names. They all originated with "born again" Christian churches which sought to re-program gay and lesbian kids to make them straight. Almost forgot, the Jewish group for the same purpose was and is called Jonah. All of these groups shared the one goal which was to identify a gay or lesbian child and "pray the gay away." Some young people were forced by their parents to belong to these groups and to often go on their retreats out of the area.

In today's Star-Ledger there is an excellent article entitled THE RIGHT TO STAY GAY (Star-Ledger Article/Susan Livio).  It interviews some LGBT people who have suffered much harm when these often-unlicensed psychologists tried to mess with their minds and make them straight. All with parental consent, and at an assumingly high cost.... there is a boy who was forced to masturbate while viewing pictures of women. Another practice was to give a boy medication which would cause him to vomit when the therapist flashed a picture of two men holding hands (I frankly don't know how this would work) and then forcing the "victim" to have electro-shock treatments twice a week.

These so-called "therapies" are called conversion therapy and reparative therapy. Not only do they demoralize the young person, they are responsible for many suicides and much self-loathing. The people who run these groups have, time and time again, been proven to be frauds. There have been cases of some of the therapists cruising in gay bars.  Others have actually hit upon their "patients," thus confusing the issue more than proving that change is possible.

If any of you have become distressed by the article, or if you have been the victim of one of these groups, be aware that a NJ Senate health committee has approved a bill which bans these types of abuses and calls them "child abuse." Noting that both the National Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association have opposed allowing these groups to continue.

I want to reiterate that if you belong to some type of religious group which tries to force this type of abuse on you, run as fast as you can. The same goes for the Catholic group called Courage which operates on the same principles as Alcoholics Anonymous and infers that change is possible. This group, however, has been driven to admit that they do not change the gay or lesbian person's attraction to the same sex, but they claim that members pledge to be celibate. Now, how would anyone be able to know if this occurs or not!

A beautiful African-American nun, Sister Thea Bowman, taught her students who felt abused by white people to sing out that "I am a Child of God." This wonderful nun died long before her time, but I can assure you that she would have had the same advice for our GLBT people today.

We all have destructive elements in our lives (smoking, eating disorders, depression...to name a few) and working to change these compulsive behaviors is sensible. BUT agreeing with anyone on the face of this earth that you must (or even CAN) change your sexual orientation should send up a red flag immediately. Never let them try to make you anything other than the way you were created to be.

If anyone is in this type of quagmire now and is even tempted to attempt to change his/her orientation, drop me a line. I can find you an understanding clergyperson to help you. In most cases they are not gay, but gay affirming.

I may be reached about the subject of this blog OR with any other questions at www.kippynj.com.


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Saturday, March 9, 2013
Why?
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I have a problem with my son, and he actually told me to get another opinion--YOURS!

My 16 year old son is gay. He made that decision when he was 13, and my husband and I are now fully accepting of his lifestyle. I mean, we both would have preferred that he date girls and get married and have children, but we're manging well now. 

What we're dealing with now is the fact that I was cleaning his room and found some dvd's under his bed.  I put one on and almost had a heart attack right then and there! These were young men engaging in sex and kissing and making quite a commotion. Accepting my son doesn't include allowing and accepting such pornography in my home.  His father didn't share any of my shock and concern. And when I confronted our son with the evidence he told me to stop "snooping" in his room! It is a parent's duty to make sure that a child doesn't succumb to evil like this.

What is your opinion of this entire situation?

MOM

Dear Mom,

There are so many issues in your letter that I was wondering if one of my friends had sent it as a prank.  I know they didn't.

Let's get the main points covered first.  Your son didn't make a decision to be gay.  He made a decision to tell you, and he did it at a relatively young age and should be applauded to that.  Your son also has a life and not a "lifestyle"  any more than you and your husband have heterosexual "lifestyles."  Something makes me want to suggest that you go for a little family therapy because your letter doesn't reflect the acceptance you claim.  And I will not say that it's your fault.  When a child of any age comes out, there are issues for the parents to work through.  You honestly must know what I'm referring to.

Now for my view of the dvd issue.  You were not expected to watch a dvd you found under his bed, but you did.  Some of these are realistic and others are not.  Your son should have the privacy to watch these dvd's because they go along with the safest possible sex in the world. You get my drift?  I believe your husband had a different view of the situation because he would probably not have given it a second thought if you had a heterosexual son and found similar dvd's. 

At 16, your son is probably not immediately inclined to find a boyfriend, but he is a sexual being and he has raging hormones.  I suggest that you drop this "issue" and give the kid a break.


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Sunday, December 30, 2012
"Theology"
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I have waited to read something on your blog which will even start to explain both Hurricane Sandy and the massacre in Newtown, CT.  I have observed and heard that you are still one of the gay people who go to church, so I'd be interested in how you either whitewash or bamboozle answers to these events which have impacted on so many people.  In simple terms, WHERE WAS GOD?

The evangelists have made their statements about these tragedies being the fault of gay people seeking marriage, and that the world is close to ending because we have removed prayer from our schools.

I hope you have something to offer on this issue because I am almost at the point of wanting to claim that I am straight, date women and go back in the closet.

~Scared Rabbit

Dear Scared Rabbit,

First of all-- Don't get all indignant and attempt something which can never totally occur.  That equals a Silly Rabbit, not a Scared one.

Thank you for your message. I have attempted to write about the two major unthinkable crises (plus many more) which have occurred since October 29th.  Each time, I realized I was not saying anything new or helpful.  I was repeating those statements of despair and disbelief and confusion. I also shared in the tears of so many of these people, and I realized that the basket passed in church was simply not enough to help these people. I also noticed the dramatic ways so many people volunteered time and treasure and talent to make some of these outrageous events less isolating.

The only way I can reply to your question is to explain the way I "tailor" my beliefs.  I'll warn you in advance that most of you know I am a practicing, but ever so heretical, Roman Catholic. I realize that many compare this to being a Gay Republican, and that even Cousin Butchie finds weird.

My belief is in one God, the Creator of the Universe. That God is not all-powerful as we've been taught from bible passages which have suffered a great deal in the translations and re-translations, the contradictions, and the fact that the bible is a compilation of sex and murder and brutality, etc.  It has be used to advocate slavery, racial segregation, the rights of women, the very lives of gay people being referred to as "intrinsically evil" and "abominations" and "Sodomy." THESE 'CONCLUSIONS' COME FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THE BIBLE. EVEN WHAT THEY HAVE READ, THEY HAVE NOT BOTHERED TO STUDY AND DISCERN.

Just a few  examples of the foolishness of just listening to the words in the bible , I recall back in seventh grade I was taught by a Christian Brother who had it in his syllabus to tell the hormone-popping boys about the mortal sin of masturbation.  He went to a New Testament passage which states that if a person's eye offends it should be plucked out,  but the clincher was that anyone whose right hand offends should cut it off. I paid no attention to this instruction or I would have easily become blind and amputated. Strangely, the other boys didn't buy into it either. If I could go into detail about what usually happened in the showers after gym class, you would better understand the dichotomy here.

The evangelists have a very hard time trying to figure out what world catastrophes mean. Sure that they can come up with an answer, they go to the last book of the bible, Revelations (or the Apocalypse) where they find some of the most mentally distrubing writing on earth.  It has all of the earmarks of an hallucinatory adventure... and there is something for everyone to read and "see the light." This includes impending floods, plagues, pestilence, etc. In any given generation, believers could "see the handwriting on the wall,"  Alas!  Each generation passed and the readings stayed the same  but continued to be fuel for the guilt and level of fear they wanted to create. It's also interesting to note how much of the past warnings have been changed by men and women, and hopefully at the will of God. Social justice systems, care for the poor, the development of anti-viral medications to lessen the AIDS pandemic, the invention of medical procedures which prevent what would have been previously a certain death. The list could go on indefinitely.

We live at a moment in history when there is more global knowledge of what is happenening in all of its sectors than ever before in history. In past centuries people knew very little, if anything, about life beyond their own nation. We do know of catastrophic floodsand earthquakes and plagues. The problem is that there was often the belief that their generation was solely being chastised. Try, if you will, to imagine what life will be like in one hundred years. 

We also have medications which radically improve the plight of those mentally ill. Even our processed foods may be keeping us healthier than food in past which was spoiled and bacteria-laden.

Before I try to sum up my beliefs, I want to respond to what I have heard and read from people of some kind of faith to explain what cannot be explained.

Here goes:  The Connecticut murder of twenty children and seven adults is a result of taking God out of the schools thus making them unsafe.

ANSWER:  Well, the Roman Catholic Church has never taken God out of the schools, but this has not stopped the sexual molestation of both boys and girls by priests and nuns.  We also find that the cruelty of the nuns back then was worse than the charges made against the priests. And let's not forget the members of the hierarchy who (in God's name) hid the life-altering abuse. It has been seen as not an isolated incident, but a global problem which seems to have been closely orchestrated by the Vatican to keep from going bankrupt.

These outrageous events have been caused by same sex couples demanding to marry and ruin heterosexual marriage.  We are seeing God's wrath.

ANSWER:  No one has ever shown that allowing the marriage of two people of the same gender in any possible way harms heterosexual married couples. It's a cheap shot, but we are now facing a situation  in our major cities in which 70% or more of babies are born to unmarried straight people. When the straight people do decide to marry, the divorce rate is over 50%. Then, there's infidelity, parental child abuse, etc. AND does someone really believe that a straight married man will ruin his marriage by hooking up with a gay person because he is really gay? Bisexual, promiscuous, a hustler...YES!  But no straight man has sex with a gay man to ruin his marriage. It wasn't on fertile ground anyway.

So..... I am Catholic because I have been fortunate enough to find good priests.  Never were they at the closest Catholic parish, but they were within driving distance. I believe we have made God into a puppet we pray to in the hope of getting what we seek. Often, it is subtly inferred that the more prayers God gets, the better the outcome of the intention. It has resulted in people storming heaven with prayers for a successful carnival, etc. I will never forget the lady who sincerely prayed that her legally blind brother would get his bus driver's license.

The God of my understanding is the God who loves us and is ready to welcome us home, no matter how sick or battered or depressed. He (She) doesn't frivolously decide which problems to solve for us. I remember that one of my mother's favorite books was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Rabbi Harold Kushner.  I find it a lifeline in my prayer experience. 

Also, I recall being told by a Catholic priest that the Torah says that WHEN MAN CRIES, GOD CRIES. [I have yet to track that down, but it's too good to let pass].

This, my dear readers has gone in different directions, but I hope it gives you, my readers, some sense of the need we have to follow an established faith tradition....AND ALL THAT GOD IS WAITING FOR IS FOR US TO COME ALONG AND REFORM IT IN EACH GENERATION.

Have a great 2013!

Cousin Butchie

Please note:  If you care to reply to this blog, you are welcome to do so at www.njgaylife.com  or you may go to KippyNJ@aol.com 


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Monday, November 19, 2012
What is My Son Doing to Our Family?
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am not sure who I'm writing to, and I'm less sure why I am bothering to tell you about the problem with my son.

To start, I have been having some suspicions that my 17 year old son is a homosexual.  It's a hard subject to discuss, so I went on a search of  Dan's (my son) room.  I found some pornographic discs of boys and men having sex.  When I watched it, I almost threw up.  I also found the password for Dan's computer, and I came upon your column (or is it called a blog?)  In addition, there were love letter emails written by and to Dan over the past two years. They might have been okay if Dan or this other boy happened to be a girl, but no luck. These are the writings of two homosexuals, talking in terms of love and terms of sex I don't even understand.  What I do know is that the Bible calls people like my son abominations and sodomites.  In my church, my son and all the other fruitcakes out there are called "intrinsically disordered" and sinful and unworthy of receiving Communion. How can I make Dan become normal again?  How do I get him to trust me that God's truth forbids the horrendous things he's doing with his body-- a temple of the Holy Spirit?

Mortified Mother

Dear Mortified Mother:

I am glad that you snooped through your son's possessions and somehow figured out his computer password.  You neglected to explain what behavior caused you to suspect Dan.  You seem to have found much of what you sought.  But your search has created a real problem for YOU. Dan is acting in the way a typical gay teenager would act.  He has probably felt that he wanted to tell you his secret, but he felt you would have a bad reaction.

To say it as clearly as possible-- the problem is not Dan's, it is yours.  From what you relate, Dan seems to have acted out on his gay feelings a few years ago, BUT he has always been gay.  He can probably tell you of same-sex attractions when he was very young.  It seems clear that Dan and the other boy are in love.  It is natural when we consider that "homosexuality" exists in all of the animal kingdom.  It is natural when we realize that Dan was born wth a gay orientation.  He didn't "become" gay because of anything you and your husband did or didn't do. What Dan is dealing with is also a spiritual component of his life.  You will recognize this more in the coming months.

The Bible is not the place to look for answers about your son, except for what you may read about how God offers unconditional love for all.  The condemnations in the Bible are taken out of context and taught for years. The problem is that they pick out the few gay references in the Bible and ignore the rest.  Read Leviticus and see how much is written about all human beings, AND BE SURE TO JOT DOWN EVERY SO-CALLED ABOMINATION AND REALLY LET YOURSELF REALIZE HOW MANY, MANY THINGS ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE DOING RIGHT NOW.  It is the result of ignoring a holiness code which no longer has any validity.  Just for starters, do you eat lobster, wear the color red, have short hair (for women) or long hair (for men)?  Or do you ever wear garments made of two different types of fabrics?

Your next step should be to tell Dan that you don't understand much of what you now know, but you will make every effort to educate yourself. AND make sure you tell him that you love him just as the person God created him to be. 

There are monthly meetings of a national group called "Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays."  Several meet in different parts of New Jersey.  You can make the initial phone call and speak to the helpline person.  You will also be told where the closest  meetings are held.  It will be difficult at first, but  you will soon meet parents who once felt as you do now. They will recommend books you can read, and you will most likely be given the telephone numbers of people you can call between meetings when you need to talk.

Most importantly, tell Dan what you are doing.  He will feel very relieved and even proud that you've sought this help.  To Dan, it will be a clear sign that you love him just as the person he is.  He will reciprocate that love to you in what must be a strained family dynamic right now.

PLEASE CALL (in NJ)  908-300-4227 and you will be directed to a meeting close to you.  You may also ask any questions or express your fears to the helpline volunteer.

From seeing so much positive good  generated from this group, I know that you wil find people who will become your friends.  While the meetings are usually held in churches, the group espouses no one religion or belief system.

When you phone, you will be called back very soon OR you will be given an email address to use to ask your questions before talking to a member.

I congratulate you for taking the first step.  You will never regret it, and your love for Dan (and his life partner, now or in the future) will become a blessing you might not be able to believe now. 

All my best,

Cousin Butchie

P.S.  And why not start by referring to yourself as "Proud Mom of a Great Son"!!


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Friday, November 16, 2012
Embarrassed
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am 18 years old and I have a really hot boyfriend.  I shouldn't neglect to say that I am pretty hot myself. The problem is that we are both versatile in all of the sexual components of our relationship.  My hunk says he really doesn't care if we use rubbers or not. He's also said that he prefers things "bareback" but will do as I wish. He says he'll go along with using them if I buy them.  I am really scared to do this.  Some pharmacies put them behind the counter so you have to ask for them.  If they are on the rack, I always seem to see a female cashier.  What can I do, and is this really so important?  We both are monogamous and we've been together three months.

Embarrassed

 

Dear Embarrassed,

First of all, I'm glad you have found a boyfriend and that the sexual component is "versatile."  Sometimes this is a problem, and it becomes a sad game of "who's the husband and who's the wife"?  Three months is not enough time to know if you and your boyfriend are HIV negative, so using condoms is essential.   You can't neglect these little safequards until you've been together monogamously for over six months.... and you really need to trust each other.  The stakes are too high otherwise.

Buying condoms in a pharmacy was a problem in the past, but I think it's safe to say that you buy a few other items and throw in the box of condoms.  Best bet is to go to a large chain pharmacy, possibly out of town.  Of course, a male cashier would be nice, but pharmacy employees are instructed never to comment on your purchases of this nature.

Another  few suggestions:  Buy a large supply so you're not facing this fear again too soon.  Also, don't go to the pharmacy where your family gets prescriptions filled.

I give you credit for wanting to act responsibily.  Your boyfriend's attitude isn't too cool, so I might suggest that you find a good moment and see how often he has not used condoms in the past. Testing is always a great idea, even if if might cause you some nervousness.

 


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Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Sad/ Almost an Orphan Revisited
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Greetings to my readers!  I was enjoying a dream vacation tour in Provinceton, Greenwich Village, Key West and hanging out with Prince Harry. 

Then I woke up and realized that my summer excursions included a guided tour of Perth Amboy and reliving the sudden panic of being in the EZ-Pass Only toll booth  of the Garden State Parkway and almost getting killed trying to get to where my actual cash could be accepted.  The Jersey Shore is always easier to navigate in November, but that's no excuse for not having EZ Pass.

So....  A good number of readers have contacted me at my other screen address (www.kippynj@aol.com) to ask questions.  They will all be answered in this column if you gave me permission to do so.  One letter, however, needed more immediate attention.  The writer was answered already, but I'm using it as the catalyst for this blog NOW.  The genuine tone of the message demanded serious attention.

HERE'S THE NEXT LETTER WHICH FOLLOWS "SAD'S" letter from back on April 21, 2012.  He had signed himself as "Almost an Orphan" at the time.

 

Dear Cousin Butchie,

You answered my message last spring and I didn't really follow what you suggested, but I want to share a success with you..

In the past few months, I have become a different person.  I dumped my really sweet, hot and hung boyfriend by saying I didn't want him to suffer from my messes.  I am sad sometimes, and sadder more times than that.  I have an appetite most of the time or I binge on junk food.  My close friends are worried, and I can see that they are losing patience with me.  Anything I bought and A&F or Hollister sits in my closet.  I look like the town garbage man.  I also have not even considered how what I will do when I get out of high school.  My dad tolerates me, but he's made comments that I miss mom more than he does and that's not normal.  Is there any answer you can give me.?

Sad and Almost an Orphan

 

Dear Sad, etc.

When you wrote your first letter back in April, you didn't present as many symptoms as you present now.  In short, my friend, you need immediate help with what appears to be a clinical depression.  I am not a doctor, so I am asking you to go to one.  A good family practice doctor (or nurse practitioner) will listen to you and probably prescribe an anti-depressant medication.  You will need to be  monitored on the medication.  It is also sometimes necessary to change to another medication.  While this is happening, the doctor may suggest a therapist.  If this happens, you'll probably have a waiting list to contend with.  If your father has medical insurance, it will be easier to find a private therapist.  Most often, they will offer a sliding scale payment arrangement.  You have resources out there, and if you have trouble finding them, please contact me at my other screen name... www.KippyNJ@aol.com

I hope to hear from you soon.

 

The response is too lengthy to copy here, but "Sad" is taking anti-depressant medicaion and is feeling 100%  better.  He writes that most of the time he has a hard time remembering how depressed he once felt.  His doctor said he may or may not need a therapist-- and they would determine that as times goes by.

 

If you have a question, serious or not, you may ask it on the NJGayLife.com website   And please feel free to contact me confidentially at KippyNJ@aol.com.

 

 


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Thursday, July 12, 2012
Dating Blues
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Hey, Cousin Butchie,

I have been home from college for about two months, and dating has turned out to be a real bitch.  I'm going into my third year at school, but this is the first summer vacation that I have been out.  I have had one night flings with many dudes around my age.  Usually, they are predictable and boring, and not even the sex can make up for this fact.  So, I paid some bucks and joined an online dating service.  This has been even worse luck.  I gave my stats and picture, and I assumed the other dudes would present equally honest postings.  Well, one guy put up a picture that looked like a very young version of Matt Damon.  We chatted online for about a week, and it seemed that we had a lot in common.  I invited the dude to my place (a converted carriage house behind my parents' home).  When he showed up, he didn't understand why I turned green when I saw him.  He was NOT anything like his picture, he was dressed in clothes from the thrift shop and handed me a bottle of Night Train .  Not knowing what else to do, I invited him in. As we spoke for awhile I realized that he had a speech impediment...along with a scraggily beard and foul breath.  When he took it upon himself to sit right next to me, he made a grab at my private personal parts.  As I slapped him away, I could detect the body odor of a skunk.   I finally lost my usual calm demeanor and told him to get out of my place and to not look back.  There were similar issues with online liars.

What do I do for the rest of the summer?  It's so much better back at college where I live in a predominantly gay dorm, and the other four guys are at least bisexual. 

Rodney

Dear Rodney,

While I have heard stories very similar to yours about dating services, I'm also aware that some very good connections can be made, even on Craigslist, if you take your time and spell out clearly what you're looking for and what you absolutely are not.  You don't say what university has the gay and bisexual dormitory, I'm sure that some of these guys must take summer courses.

BTW, you write that you have had one night flings with many dudes around your age.  Well, what happened, Stud?  Didn't you connect  with them ALSO on a friendship level?  Cousin Butchie knows that the mechanics of dating are sometimes awkward, it's really the most likely way you will ever find a long term relationship.  Possibly, there is something about you that needs to be re-examined and altered. Good luck!   And what school do you attend?  Sounds like Fire Island University.

 

===========================================================================================================

Cousin Butchie has recently learned that his Uncle RJ who writes the Gay and Gray Blog every once in a blue moon is asking readers to answer three questions he asks on his recent "Test" blog.  Being old and easily worried, he is trying to find out how many people actually read his blog. He says that Cousin Butchie also wants to know, and that's a stretch.  I only agreed with him that we don't know.

TO ASK A QUESTION PRIVATELY OR TO RESPOND TO UNCLE RJ's QUESTIONS, YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO CONTACT ME AT WWW.KIPPYNJ.COM  OR ON THE NJ GAY LIFE SITE. 


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Tuesday, June 26, 2012
My Heart is Broken
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

My heart is broken and I need advice from you.  My friends don't seem to care at all.

I fell in love with the dude I loved in my junior year of high school.  We made a commitment to each other, and he now tells me that he needs "some space."  When I asked what he meant, he said that (after two years) it's over!  He tried to soften it by saying we would always be friends and that "exes" always stay friends.

I have never met anyone as wonderful as he started out to be, and I cry a lot about this situation.  I don't know what my next move will be.  These friends who have lots of experiences but no dude to call a lover or an ex  think I am being dramatic and a general pain in the ass.  Can you help me, PLEASE?

Thanks,

Very Upset

Dear Very Upset,

First off, I offer you my sympathy and compassion for how betrayed you are feeling now.  Your friends have not had similar situations, so they really can't understand.  From what you wrote, they have not had permanent partners, and they still dwell in the "let's do it now and maybe another time, but just as pals" adolescent phase of development. 

Cousin Butchie can relate to what you write and how you feel.  I would venture to say that I know no one who doesn't carry around the burden of having had an "ex" and thinking the world caved him when they lost him.  We have very high hopes that true relationships will put the "boyfriend mobile" at a stop as gay marriage becomes universally legal, but that's not a sure thing for everyone.

I would advise you to start dating again.  There is always someone out there for everyone.  When you date, under no circumstances talk about your "ex."  It's an affront to the other dude, and it keeps you in the miserable situation of comparing them.  It's a good idea to meet new friends at the local gay community center.  Also, you may find Mr. Right where you didn't expect him to be at all.  Jobs, theater groups, hobby groups, even church groups (in some denominations) can surprise you.  Most importantly, be open to the flirting or direct hit from a dude you might not consider your first choice.  Go slowly in the beginning....and of course, be safe!

I wish you luck and I know you will be thanking me for this advice sometime in the near future.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Readers are invited to submit their questions at www.kippynj.com   Each message will be answered, and you will not appear in the column unless you agree to it.


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Thursday, June 14, 2012
Pretending Not to Notice
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Pretending Not to Notice

Dear Cousin Butchie,

This is not an earth-shattering question, but some of my friends have become obsessed with the proper etiquette for gay men to use, and I'm asking you this one because I don't think it's been written in any book yet.

Here's the deal.  We will be standing or sitting around talking at the beach or in the locker room or at the park or on the train to NY, and some really hot dude will pass by.  Suddenly one or two of us have mental blackouts and just stare at the dude.  Another of my  friends will make all kinds of funny gestures to get our attention and make sure we see the hunk.  I don't know if there's any proper way to lust in this type of situation. Can you share a technique to use in situations like this?  Please hurry, since the warm weather is here and the chance of seeing hot dudes wearing very little in the way of clothes seems to increase by the hour.

Very Curious

 

Dear Very Curious,

There was a great movie awhile back which taught a technique which my friends use all the time.  Whenever you and a friend or friends are hanging out and see a hot dude, you immediately interrupt whatever is being said with the word "MEANWHILE."  it becomes an automatic response which signals stopping all else and checking out the passing dude.  It sounds kind of strange, but it really cuts to the chase when you want to share the beauty of what needs to be shared.  When I locate the movie, I will post it. 

=====================

Cousin Butchie welcomes your letters and questions.   Write me at info@NJGayLife.com.  or feel  free to contact me at KippyNJ@aol.com.   If you use this latter email address, your letter will not be put in print until you have been asked for permission. You are under no pressure to go public with any question or problem you write.

Your questions will be answered, and you will always have the ultimate choice whether it goes "live" on line. 


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Saturday, June 9, 2012
My Sister Says.....
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

Last weekend, I attended my first Gay Pride Festival in Asbury Park.  I was with my good friend Christopher.  Actually, he is more than just a good friend.  We have sex about twice a week, and he is HOT,  So last weekend we went to Asbury Park, and the whole experience (until it rained) was one of pride and appreciating how many of US there are right in this state.  I'll admit that we were pretty horny by the time it rained, and we decided to rent a motel room on the way home.  I called my sister and told her to tell my parents that Chris and I had car trouble and wouldn't have it repaired until Monday.  I asked her to tell my parents.

On Monday, my sister and I had a long talk.  She and I have always been close.  She asked me if Chris and I had picked up some girls, and I told her that I trusted her enough to tell her that Chris and I are  more than best friends and that we spent a lot of Sunday in bed together, trying new positions and just having a fabulous time.  She then asked exactly what we did with each other.  My sister, who is living with her boyfriend, began to rag on me about being a faggot and doing unnatural things.  She said that she loves me because I am her brother, but she thinks I should find a girlfriend and stop being a "pervert."  She also said it's a choice.

I won't say that I wasn't upset.  I trusted her because she has told me plenty about herself and the boyfriend.  By the way, her boyfriend is a model type of dude, and I've often wondered why he was with my sister.  Like she told me that he has four orgasms within two hours.  When I told Chris, he said we need to work on beating that record. LOL  

What do I tell my sister in the future?  Chris and I are probably going to get much more serious and will be roommates at college. I feel hurt by her right now, but I know I need to have a plan in place. I honestly don't know if our kind of sex is wrong and immoral and perverted. I'm 20 and should know better.

Andrew in Awe

 

Dear Andrew,

I don't blame you for being in awe.  The first pride celebration any gay person attends usually leaves a lasting impression.  I remember one in NY and I was watching the Heritage of Pride Parade at about 35th Street.  Justing looking up Fifth Avenue and then down Fifth Avenue was the most astounding part of my life until that point.  The mere realization that there are so many LGBT people brought tears to my eyes.

You trusted your sister and she is wrong.  Maybe she and her live-in boyfriend will develop some understanding of the diversity of sexuality which is all normal if both individuals agree they want to do it, no one is physically hurt, etc.  The only possible unnatural act is one that is forced upon someone who clearly doesn't consent to it.  Forcing any type of sex on a younger person is, of course, not right.

Cousin Butchie can only imagaine the things you told your sister.  If she brings up this subject again, and there's a pretty good chance she will, look her in the eye and ask her how the oral sex is going between her and her boyfriend.

You didn't mention your parents, so for the record--  When you feel the time is right, tell them you have romantic feelings for other dudes (hopefully still Christopher) and that you are telling them because you want them to fully understand who you are as a person.  If possible, it would be easier if you lived with Christopher and/or had a roommate.

Andrew, above all else, make sure you are feeling very good about your sexuality when you come out.  You will want to emphasize that you feel normal and fully human as God has created you.  Also tell your parents about PFLAG where they can get help from other parents.

One of the things you tell your sister is to mind her own business.  I imagine that she shared more than a few experiences with you and that she hasn't a lways acted like a virgin ready to take a vow of chastity.

 


FOR THE RECORD:  You are free and welcome to ask Cousin Butchie questions here at www.NJGayLife.com  AND you are also invited to contact Cousin Butchie at another email address.  When you send questions to www.KippyNJ@aol.com you will be answered....and you make the decision whether the question and answer go on the public page.  It's a safe space you can count on. 

 

 


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Sunday, June 3, 2012
Mother-in-Law Problems
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

Roscoe and I have been in a hot and heavy long term monogamous (I think) relationship for the past two months.  It is definitely serious. The only problem is Roscoe's mother who doesn't treat me well.

When we go to dinner every night at Roscoe's parents' home, his mother always, and I mean always serves Roscoe's father first, then hersself, then Roscoe, then the dog Ralphie.  Whatever is left after they have all been served, she slops on my plate.

I have tried everything to make Roscoe's mother like me more.  I even sent her a Mother's Day card that inferred she is life a mother to me (big lie). She will not respomd to my kindness.  I've heard her moaning that I have taken Roscoe away from her.  He is the youngest of nine children since birth control was unheard of in his family.

What can I do to make Roscoe's mother like me more?  He father never says a word-- he just eats and downs a gallon of red wine.
Pasquale

 

Dear Pasquale,

I suspect that the radical way to make Roscoe's mother like you more is to completely stop showing up for dinner every night.

You might also make some progress if you make the effort to invite your in-laws to dinner at your place.  It might be lacking in the ambience of their own home, but they might realize that you don't consider them just a daily meal ticket.

Come to think of it, most in-laws are not met by their kids' partners for long into the relationship.  Do the other eight children appear for dinner the way you guys do? 

Also, Pasquale... have you brought your bambino to meet your parents yet?  Just wondering.


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Friday, May 11, 2012
Mother's Day Again!
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Hey, Cousin Butchie!

Well, it's Mother's Day again, and ,ya know, I have the same feelings about it.  Ya know, the woman is my mother, and I, ya know, have a genuine suspicion that I am here, ya know, because my father ran out of condoms.  She has been a, ya know, decent mother aside from the fact that when I came out she pretended, ya know, that she had a heart attack; and then she cried every single time she spoke to me for the next three months.  Ya know, I came out early because I really was never ashamed of being gay.  Between the ages of 15 and 20, I was sowing some wild oats and I had, ya know, about 81 truly serious boyfriends, not counting helping my little brother discover his sexuality over all five years.  Ya know, I would have married him, but instead I hooked him up with my best friend and, it's ya know, worked very well.  When Mom suspected that my bro and I were closer than most, she bitched about it, ya know.  I convinced her that little Igor was just experimenting, ya know, and that she at least knew where we were most of the time.  BTW, Dad never asked any questions, drank his six-packs and loaned me a few bucks when he felt generous. [Oh crap, we have Father's Day coming next month, don't we?]

Ya now, Mother's Day cards almost always say things that make me barf.  I try to pick out one that is the least, ya know, obnoxious, and I buy her a big box of MY favorite chocolates, the special edition of chocolate flavored Gummi Bears.  Ya know, they pull out my fillings, but  ya know.  Mom has dentures but as they say, shit happens. 

The other evening, I had no date or hook-up, and I was feeling mellow, ya know.  I just jotted down some of the things Mom has taught us over the first years of my, ya know, gayhood.  I know that Igor would write something similar, but he is too busy watching porn and playing video games. 

So, Happy Mother's Day.... and here's what I appreciate, ya know, at the moment.
Your son, Trojan Buster

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.... "If you and Igor are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION..... "You had better start praying that those stains will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me LOGIC.....  "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.....  Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY..... "Keep crying and I will give you somwthing to cry about."

My mother taught me ENGLISH GRAMMAR.....  "Stop saying "ya know" all the time.  Ya know, it gets on my nerves!"

My mother taught me REALITY.....  "I did not take away this week's allowance because you are gay.  I had to punish you for being such a little bastard who uses his sexual preference as an excuse for everything."  Ya know, every single time she said "sexual preference, I became. ya know, mentally freaked out and angry.

My mother taught me the science of OSMOSIS..... "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM..... "Well, will you look at the dirt behind your ears!"

My mother taught me about the WEATHER....  "This room of yours looks like a tornado hit."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.....  "Just wait until your father gets home and see this."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.....  "You're going to get it when we get home. Your luck I need both hands to drive, buster!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.....  "Stop acting like your father and THAT side of the family."  Sometimes, ya know, she made it sound more scary by calling it "that side the the fam damily." 

My mother taught me about WISDOM..... "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."  Ya know, it's possible, but I doubt it.

Thank you, T.B. , for your thoughts on Mother's Day!  Cousin Butchie can understand some of your convoluted remarks. but I want to ask every mother reading this to remember that T.B. writes in jest or maybe from just one particular memory.

COUSIN BUTCHIE WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERY MOTHER OR MATERNAL FIGURE IN OUR LIVES FOR GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY,.AND CAN WE EVER FORGET THE LOVE WHICH OFTEN INSPIRES MANY OF US (WHEN WE'RE FAIRLY YOUNG ON THE GAY SCALE TO HEAR THE STATEMENT OF UNCONDITIONAL LIVE....."MY SON/DAUGHTER, THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD EVER TELL ME THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS."

WE SINCERELY GIVE THE MOTHERS IN OUR LIVES A TRUE EXPRESSION OF GRATIRUDE (HUGS WORK FINE). AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED ON....WE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OVER US.  THERE ARE TIMES WE KNOW THAT YOU ARE SURROUNDING US.  NOTHING ELSE COULD EXPLAIN THE LOVE WE FEEL OR THE MIRACLES WHICH WE KNOW YOU HAVE A HAND IN!


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Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Heaven for Gays and Lesbians
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Readers,

I have a few questions which came in on my KippyNJ@aol.com  screen name, but I need to put them aside and reply to a letter which appeared in the "Dear Abby" column yesterday.  It's a very common question, but Abby  slightly missed the boat with the answer.

It reads:

Dear Abby,
My son came out of the closet last year.  My first reaction was to tell him it was OK. (I had already suspected that he was.)  I love him dearly and we're a close family.  His brothers and sisters also accept and love him.  My husband and I are now struggling because we're not sure how God really views gays and lesbians.  To listen to some religious people, my son will go to hell.  I can't believe that God would create a person to be this way, then turn his back on him.  I tried reading the Bible, but the wording was hard to understand.  I don't want to talk to my pastor about it because, even though I have accepted my son for who he is, I still have trouble talking about it because I'm not sure how they will react.  Do you believe a gay person will go to heaven?      Signed: Somewhere in the U.S.A.

Abby's response:

        I believe that entrance to heaven is based upon a person's character, not upon his or her sexual orientation.  Today, because of  modern scientific studies, we know more about homosexuality than was known when the Bible was written, and that sexual orientation is not a choice.

Cousin Butchie's Response:

Gay and lesbian people are indeed understood better now than when the Bible was written, but there are some people who hold fast to the concept that every word in the Bible is God'directly speaking to us.  The Bible is often a good code of moral conduct, but we must never forget how many times the stories in the Bible were told over and over again before they were written down.  At that point, the first monks to record the Bible were not without problems.  It all is similar to the "telephone game" which most of us played in grammar school.  The first child is whispered a short story by the teacher. This child repeats it to the next child so that  sometime later, the last child tells what he heard the story to be.  Sometimes there is a vague resemblance to the original short story. 

There is a great difference in our understanding(s) of the Bible or we would not have over 200 religions in the United States.  When Cousin Butchie first came out to a Jesuit Roman Catholic priest he was told that God loves us unconditionally and only expects us to love him and each other. The priest very wisely said that we are supposed to also love ourselves as Children of God. The priest also said that the Bible is the WORD of God, but not the WORDS of God.  He gave me a barometer to deal with religious fundamentalists and a reason to love my gay self!   It's been said that anything you are told comes from the Bible MUST speak of love for humankind or it is a COUNTERFEIT.

Cousin Butchie is not a theologian, nor is he the parent of a gay or lesbian child.  He is gay and went through the usual guilt and doubts and misunderstandings that every evolving LGBT person has lived though.  Dan Savage started the IT GETS BETTER concept which has the encouraging and true advice a person needs in the years between coming out and actually feeling comfortable about it.  VISIT YOUTUBE.COM  when you need some uplift.  Parents and many others can also get great benefit going to this website.

In the above "Dear Abby" column, Cousin Butchie thinks that the mother writing the letter had issues and questions and needed  a lot more support. This is available all over the country at PFLAG [Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbian and Gays.]  The longest ongoing group in  NJ now meets in Montclair on the second Thursday of each month.  The Helpline is also open to anyone needing information or wanting to discuss personal issues.  We have also always tried to answer the questions and concerns of those young adults coming out.  Feel free to call us at (908) 300-4227.  If calls go to voice mail, we try to reply within twenty-four hours.

Other NJ  area groups may be reached at:

Bergen County  (201) 287-0318

Manhattan  (212) 463-0629

Jersey Shore  (908) 814-2155

 


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Sunday, April 22, 2012
All They Want is Sex!
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Hi, Cousin Butchie!

I never thought I would be writing to an advice columnist, but I am gay and my problems are very predominant in the gay male community.  They might also be exactly the same only entirely different for lesbians!  Just so that other readers don't think they know me, I will tell you that I am not a resident of New Jersey, despite how enticing your governor makes the Garden State appear.

Okay, here goes!  I am 25 years old and a physical education teacher in a middle school located in an upper middle class town.  My last long term relationship ended after ten days. That was in January.  One night in February, I decided to pay a visit to the nearest gay bar/club.  Once I got my hand stamped and entered the bar, my eyes weren't focusing too well to the darkness.  Once they did adjust, I was standing there surrounded by four woofs who also teach at my school.  We all laughed about the coincidence.  More importantly, there was no denying that we all felt horned up by one another whenever we met at the school.  There was a total "gaydar" failure with all four of them so they didn't want to risk hitting on me.  As for me, I made the mistake of making myself believe that they were all married or engaged or just living with women. 

Since that chance meeting ten weeks ago, these guys have become great friends.  I dreamed about orgies when I was a teenager, but I really only wanted one dude on any given evening.   Clubbing with the other guys was working okay for about three days.  I limited myself to sex with just the one dude I thought looked like Ricky Martin.  Then it worked for another few rolls in the hay with my new buddy who looked like Matt Damon.  

The cycle kept going round and round, but I was getting uncomfortable.  All these other guys wanted was sex, sex and more sex.  They weren't jealous or anything, and they did turn some weekends into  24/7 wild and passionate sex-romps- from Friday night until 7:20 on Monday mornings!  

I let it be known that I wasn't comfortable in their play-pen apartments and that I was tired of their constant demands for sex.  It was seemingly understood when I explained how I felt, but now these gentlemen are merely civil to me at school.  I stood my ground, and all I know is that they haven't found a dude of low enough morals to replace me.

As we all do, I have some lesbian and straight "fag hags," so I have sought their advice.  They just don't know what to suggest, and I've even caught one of them yawning!  So, Mr. Cousin Butchie, I am asking for your take on this entire situation.

Signed: Overwhelmed

Hey there, Overwhelmed,

Your Cousin Butchie has read your letter at least five times.  I understand your desire to have sex on a more spotaneous basis, and not during planned weekend orgies.  But before I give you some advice, I think you will feel better if you tell your Cousin Butchie where you teach school (in order to check out the annoying dudes) and the bars and clubs they frequent.  If you have their email addresses and phone numbers that would be very helpful.

I do not advocate promiscuous and anonymous sexual encounters.  You just might be way ahead of  your teacher friends.  Assuming you are all about 25-30 years old, you should be able to figure out that you are at the age at which twinks  refer to us as "dead meat" and "hopelessly over the hill."   All five of you could probably dance around the club stark naked and not be noticed by anyone besides the EMTs  in the process of getting you to the hospital.

Be that as it may, Cousin Butchie suggests that you date or trick at the frequency and pace which are comfortable for you.  Your four teacher pals will rather quickly realize that they are not competing in a marathon-- and that very soon all of you studs will need to settle down with a husband, adopt some kids from somewhere in South America or possibly Vatican City and live a normal life.

 


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Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sad
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am very sad most of the time, and I feel guilty about my inability to snap back since my mother passed away six months ago.  I am 16 years old, and I fear how my friends might react if I told them the truth.  Speaking a lot about this to my dad scares me.  He is having a tough time himself, and I don't want to add to his grief. The advice from Mom's friends has made me more unhappy. I've been told that it is God's will, and that God needed her more that my family did, and that God only takes the young who are His favorites.  I just don't find any of this helpful.

I hope I make sense.

Signed:  Almost an Orphan

Dear Almost, 

Please believe me when I say that Cousin Butchie understands the kinds of feelings you are having.  The death of a loved one is one of the cruelist experiences most people ever endure.  When you are only 16 years of age it is especially distressing.  Many churches and temples have bereavement ministries.  For example, he Catholic Diocese of Metuchen has an excellent breavement program which is held several times a year for a period of six weeks.  It is open to people of all faiths, and people of no particular faith.  It is a place where people are free to cry and to share the hurt which everyone else in the group is experiencing. A highly trained grief therapist runs the group.

You might also go to your school guidance counselor or a teacher you especially like.  They will listen, care and get you headed in the right direction.  Also ask the funeral director to give you some referrals or suggestions. 

Do not let yourself dwell on the insensitive remarks people make at funerals.  They may mean well, but the damage they do is horrendous.  In almost every instance, they would do better to give you a hug and tell you how sorry they are.   As you meet these people from day to day, do not ever listen to any suggestion that grief and healing occur quickly.  There is no time schedule, and for a long time, it will seem that you're taking one step ahead and two steps backward.  If your dad seems that he might want to talk, start the conversation and help each other.  It may very well help you to have a stronger bond with your father.

I'll share a story that Cousin Butchie's friend and pastor told at my dad's funeral.

There are people standing on our local shore crying and feeling very sad that a loved one has passed away.  Their loved one is on a boat setting sail for a distant shore.  As the far away shore grows closer, there is the sound of laughter and tears of happiness. There is rejoicing when they once had sadness.  For example, you have lost your mother for the time being, but she has passed into the presence of your grandparents and others relatives and friends who were very close to your mother.  Mom feels very uneasy seeing  the grief and sadness in those she left behind; but she is also filled with joy as she once again meets the people she sadly bid farewell when she was on our shore.

I hope this helps, even if just a little.  I can truly feel the type of pain you are having, but I also know that it's unique to each survivor.  Should a therapist be available for you, don't reject it. 

You have a lot of living to do, and your mom lives on in your loving memories-- until you are reunited for all time.

For help finding resources or even to just exchange emails, please feel free to contact Cousin Butchie at kippynj@aol.com


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Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Boyfriend Problem
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

My boyfriend is absolutely fabulous except for one thing.  He is a fanatical Roman Catholic.  It doesn't stop him from being a tiger in bed, but he does seem to feel guilt of some kind after the deed is done.  I can't stand it.  He jumps out of bed and prays for forgiveness .  He says his parish priest told him he must do this.  What do you think?           Signed:  Sinner

 

Dear Sinner,

This situation does sound strange.  I mean Cousin Butchie would hate to think that the sex is so bad that your boyfriend is begging forgiveness for it!  Fanatical Catholics and Born Again anythings  and members of Jonah and Courage are  royal pains in the ass (you should excuse the expression).   Why not go to the source and ask his parish priest what gives with this advice.  I hope you will get a reasonable reply, but it's extremely doubtful.  Cousin Butchie has always said that you can put a Roman collar on a jackass, and you still have a jackass! Threaten to contact the local bishop and say that you are concerned with the priest's knowledge of sex of any kind.

 

 


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Friday, April 13, 2012
Our Own Advice Column
Posted by Cousin Butchie  

Dear Cousin Butchie,

You will probably think I am a very nasty little girl because I was snooping around in my brother's room and I found evidence that he is a big time "faggot."  He actually has love letters from other guys (puke, puke).  I have also noticed that my nail polish and eyeliner are disappearing.  Even though he is my brother, I have to admit that my brother is gorgeous, and I really like all the guys hanging around our house all the time.  But, it's still so  abnormal!   I even found a funny smelling little brown bottle in his night table. Should I tell the folks?     Signed:  Scandalized

Dear Scandalized,

You are correct!  Cousin Butchie  does think you are a nasty little girl!  Are you jealous of the fact that your brother attracts the boys and you don't?  I suggest that you cough up a fur ball and mind your own business.  Also, slap yourself upside the head for snooping in your brother's room.  Just what were you looking for?

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Cousin Butchie's advice column will run here on NJGayLife.com on a regular basis.  If you have questions you want to send him online, please do so.  If, however, you feel the need to keep some anonymity, contact him personally at www.kippynj.com   You'll be answered, and if it appears online, all revealing "clues" will be eliminated.   This column is for those starting to come out of the closet-- and for those for whom there is no closet big enough to take them back in-- and for all the rest of our community in the middle. 


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