Sleep patterns change drastically after passing the age 60 threshold. I find myself awake after about 3-4 hours sleep, usually around 3AM. Then I'm up for an hour or two before I can finish my nights journey through the land of Morpheus.
3AM. Up in the stillness of that hour without tv or internet, my mind is alert to the things I may not notice during the normal day of this and that. Some of my blog entries appear in the night. They seem to come through me not from me. I hope they continue to surprise me. When I'm up at that hour reading relaxes me so that I can return to sleep.
In my reading, signposts are revealed to me. In my blogs I'd like to share these pointers with you. Maybe they'll strike a chord that will resonate. Most of these pointers are not mine and I will attribute the sources that I cam remember.
"Deep in the night the stars burn the leaves on the high oaks.
A thousand sparks fall into the dark below lighting the path for our eyes." Tony Lento
3AM. When I face the truths that may be hidden during the day. As if the disguises we use in our daily world are removed by the stillness of the late night. These wake ups can reveal and deepen our understanding and acceptance of who we truly are.
On a live Neil Young album Year of the Horse, an audience member shouts "they all sound the same", to which Neil responds "it's all one song."
I thought, whata simple, clear truth that that points to. Sometimes all we need is a pointer, a signpost, not an answer. Many of us gay, straight, young, old, etc., etc. look for a song of our own.
But underlying it is "all one song". I've never been a rabid political guy in the usual polarized, binary way that many people relate to.
All those positions seem to just separate people rather than bind them together. Hardened points of view, to me, is just another way to categorize people and further the illusion of a binary world. I'm not afraid of people knowing that I'm a gay senior, I just hope that knowledge doesn't restrict their thinking and understanding.
"It's all one song" seems to me to be a beautiful way to journey through this life. I guess it is one of the positives of being the age I am may be.
The falling away of so many illusions about how separate we are from each other. The wonderful perspective of my place in my life's time line helps clear my vision and helps simplify my consciousness. I've always had a deep interest and connection to spiritual teachers and the truth that they help reveal to us. Through all my reading, listening, meditating and non-thinking comes the melody and the vision, "it's all one song.
After 40 years of being married to a woman, I have a history that is an important part of who I was and who I am now. I'm at point in my evolution where this history doesn't hurt me any longer.
I've accepted that past and all the emotion that is part of it. I don't feel the sharp pain of negativity any longer. All of that past is a building block.
For 20 years I lived in that marriage while being aware (and acting on) my desires and needs. It was a time of internal unrest and conflict, while still being responsible to the marriage.
I imagine there are many gay men out there of my age that are living in that way. I imagine that many are not able to come out due to a sense of responsibility and, of course fear.
It was fear (and a measure cowardice) in my case. Those emotions prevented me from coming out and being truthful. They prevented me from living the way that I knew I should for both myself and my wife.
It is amazing the amount of clarity that is brought out and focused by time, distance, honesty and a measure of bravery.
My hope as I follow the path is to come into contact with other senior gay men and be able to share the thoughts. feelings and the many aspects of this new consciousness.
I've always been a discreet person, someone who took time to consider my responses to others, not to reveal too much all at once and not to be too quick to judge others.
The decision to write this blog is a departure for me. One that is necessary at this point in my life.
After coming out to my wife of 40 years my world changed immensely. We are living apart, me in a small apartment, her in our home.
Its been several months since this change. Time that has been both frightening and liberating. I feel the need to express my feelings and thoughts about my new world, and hope to connect to other senior gay men in similar situations to mine.
At the present time I'm adapting to my new circumstances, looking inward (as I have always done) and seeking the beginning of a new path.
A few things that I hope to find are: socializing with like minded men, places where I can meet others to talk with, and being able to express myself in an open way. This blog is, I hope, the way to do these things.
This is just the beginning. I welcome any comments. I've been taking notes about this journey and will share them in future blogs.