Good evening, Cousin Butchie:
I am having a very difficult time coming out. I am 17 years old and have two brothers. My one older brother is the one I figured would be the best family member to approach with the news. We went on a Circle Line NY cruise (just the two of us) and I was feeling butterflies about what I was about to tell him. He started talking about his girlfriend and I kind of edged into telling him that I was pretty sure I was gay.matt d He thought it was a joke, but he saw the tears in my eyes and put his arm around my shoulder and said that I was just going through a phase and that he knew I was straight. I remained silent and feeling hurt. Then my brother asked me if I wasn't turned on by Jennifer Lopez and Kelly Ripa. I answered that Matt Damon and Prince Harry were much more interesting to me.
When the cruise was over and we were driving back to NJ, my brother took me to a bar in Hoboken (where I am not allowed to drink, but he managed to get me a few beers). I was loosened up and I told him that I am not joking or imagining things-- that I have known I was gay since I was seven years old. He said he understood but that he was not able to help me tell the rest of the family. He said that people choose to be gay, etc. I asked him to be there when I tell our parents. He looked at me and said "You can wait for Skippy to jump off the peanut butter jar if you think I am going to pretend that any gay people are normal, especially you." He also added that idiotic comment about Adam and Steve.
We didn't talk much on the way back home, but he did say that he would never tell anyone about my "problem." I hasten to say that the things he told me about his girlfriend were not repeatable or very respectful.
So, what do you suggest that I do?
Dear Gay Teen,
I am really sorry that your brother has acted like such a jerk. At some future time he may come to his senses and realize how destructive he has been. For now, don't bring up the subject unless you think your mom or dad would react well to this revelation. You should be graduating from high school soon and you will probably be off to college or making some kind of life for yourself.
In the meantime I suggest that you find a school counselor or teacher or a clergyman or clergywoman to speak with freely. You can also go on You Tube and type in "It Gets Better" or "Gay Coming Out Stories." You will see that some way things will get better.
You might also log onto: www.glbtofhunterdoncountyofnj.com.
You will find video resources and meetings which deal with situations just like yours. Hopefully, you live close enough to attend their meetings for lgbt people your age.
Let me know how it goes. I am betting it will be fabulous!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have had a very bad year. My mother died after a long battle with cancer. Prior to that my boyfriend (who I still love beyond words) broke up with me because I never had time for him. I was too busy caring for my mom and worrying about the future for me and for the world. Jehovah's Witnesses even came to the door and I invited them in to explain their belief that the world is going to end very soon-- something I found extremely hopeful at the time.
When I broke up with my boyfriend (really, my lover) I was not expecting to be abandoned by most of my friends. Actually, only a handful even came to my mom's funeral. The rest had felt they had to take sides and choose one of us over the other. My "Mr. Wonderful" was picked because he was always around for parties and road trips and cruising. I was tending to mom's needs, and even now I know that I would not have been able to do anything but that. In case you were wondering, my dad was never much of a father or husband and he left us completely when mom could no longer meet all of his needs.
I'm telling you all of this because there were times I would have liked to talk with you (or with anyone who would listen) to cheer me me up or maybe encourage me. I didn't know anyone to call, and there were times when I thought about ending it all. I no longer have thoughts like that, but I do wonder if I could have spoken to anyone.when those thoughts were racing through my mind.
On the Rebound
Hi, On the Rebound,
I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better and seeing things more clearly. You did go through a great deal. Had you written to me, I'm not sure if the response time would have been too helpful.
If anyone has thoughts of suicide and plans to act on these thoughts, you should call 9-1-1 where you will be taken to a hospital where your safety can be guarded and professionals can help you.
OTHERWISE: There is a national phone line with THE TREVOR PROJECT which is staffed 24 hours a day and will talk with you for as long as you wish. It is staffed by LGBTQ volunteers and mental health professionals and is free to everyone.
THE TREVOR PROJECT 1-866-7386 (This is a national free number).
Finally, if you might want to talk to another gay man you can call the phone number for Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays of North Jersey at 1-908-300-4227. You will always get a recording (this is to protect the group from whack-a-do people). Say that you would like to talk to another gay person and you will receive a call back from one. This would be a place to ask questions without being judged and to share any problems you're having.
All the best,
Hi, Cousin Butchie!
I am 21 y.o. and very comfortable and proud to be a gay young man most of the time. Around the holidays things aren't so happy and gay. I am invited to dinner with my family, but amidst all of the conversation and chatter, I realize that I am expected NOT to mention anything about myself as a gay person. They know but this subject is not welcome. This hurts because there are so many things I would like to openly share with them. I guess this is better than what happens to some of my friends who are not welcome in their parents' homes at all.
Do you think all of these parents have any justification for this kind of pathetic treatment of their children?
GAY AND DISTANCED
Hey, Gay and Distanced,
Obviously, I find the conduct of these parents to be horrendous. We might like to believe we have made great progress in acceptance of LGBT people, but some families are very slow to accept their kids (at whatever age). Not welcoming any discussion of your life is hurtful, but it still is better than the way some of your friends have not been invited to any family celebration.
I just realized that the gay composer/singer Tom Goss has written a song titled "Gay Christmas." Please watch and listen to it at www.tomgossmusic.com. Tom writes about many of the issues and problems we face as LGBT people. After you listen to "Gay Christmas" you might decide to have a potluck type of holiday celebration with all of your friends who have not be invited home. In many ways we often must form our own families. My suggestion is for you to spend some time with your parents and then make a quick exit to join your friends.
Re: Tom Goss
IMO he isn't the most talented performer in the world, but he writes and sings songs which capture experiences we cannot count on hearing from straight performers. Just about every day we hear some negativism about US and it's nice to have a talented P.L.U. (Person Like Us) bringing problems to the surface with his music.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S, I've been wondering if anyone reads this blog/column. I would very much appreciate it if you would send a brief comment letting me know that you are reading what is printed here. Merely sending your initials would give me a count on what audience exists out there. Uncle RJ feels the same need for a head count.
Thanks....and Happy Holidays, no matter what holiday it is for you!
Hey Cousin Butchie,
I have found a man who I am certain is going to be my husband for all time. I know he has told me he feels the same way, and we have shared a great deal about our lives and our families. In fact, our parents have all met, and there is no problem with any of them. I think my mother will be happy to see me get an apartment so she doesn't have to worry about cooking for me, doing my laundry, and generally "guiding" my life. My dad will miss me only because mom will have more time to nudge him. (L.O.L.).
The question is how and if I should tell my husband to be that I have been intimate with a girl a few years ago. It was part of a fraternity party gone wild. Do I tell him or keep my trap shut?
Dear Been There,
I don't see any reason you would need to mention this to your future husband. I don't know how many gay dudes have been in your situation, but I suspect there are more than a few. To me, I would have considered it drunken experimentation. The only caveat here is if you are still sexually attracted to women. In this case, it is certainly not uncommon, but it is something you must tell your boyfriend before you commit to each other. If bisexuality is part of who a dude is--he needs definitely to tell his intended life partner before a decision is made final on the marriage.
P.S. Also be sure to mention that your mother washes your clothes. That might real be the deal breaker if you expect your boyfriend to continue the practice.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I really have no other person to answer this question for me.
I am 16 and my b/f is 19. We've dated off and on for about eighteen months. I love him, but he has just told me something which has made my world implode. In short, he is HIV Positive. We have never had unsafe sex, but I still feel that he should have told me this long ago. I wonder if I am "safe" and I wonder how far our relationship could go. I don't want to be a widower at 20. In every other way I love this guy, but my trust has suffered from this revelation, and I don't have any idea where it can go next. Can you help me?
First of all, I can only offer my opinions and suggestions. What I write is not medical advice.
From my point of view, I know that HIV is not the death sentence it once was for most people. With many new and effective meds on the market, doctors can assure an HIV person of a normal life span. The most important factor is the HIV Positive dude's VIRAL LOAD. When the viral load is undetectable, he cannot transmit the virus to another person. By the same token, you need to be assured that he is not putting himself at risk of hooking up with someone else who is positive and has a detectable viral load. In other words, you need to have a very serious discussion with your b/f and both of you need to promise each other not to mess around with anyone else. You either establish this trust or your relationship will never survive. Promiscuity is totally out of the question for both of you.
In the community of gay men, HIV Positive men are still viewed as having a stigma. It's caused by memories of this pandemic in the past and lack of knowledge of what the infectious disease doctors teach now.
If you both want a confidential and free HIV test, there are several hospitals offering this service. One of RWJ Barnabas Somerset (Somerville) in their PROUD PROGRAM. Another is at Morristown Memorial Hospital.
For your peace of mind and to put your relationship of an honest and true level, both of you should be tested. It is the only way to ease your mind, no matter what Cousin Butchie writes!
If you love each other enough, I think you will do it. If you don't, it would be difficult for me to see how a real relationship will endure.
Good luck... and I'll close this with an LOL-- meaning LOTS OF LOVE!!!!
Yo, Cousin Butchie!
My friends and I read your column. Sometimes we're good on you, and other times we find your advice to be spot on.
So... What in the name of God has caused you to be silent about "President" Donald Trump, his policies, actions, and comments?
We really would like to hear your thoughts on this man-- unless you are one of his fans, in which case you may just ignore this letter.
-Aggravated Group of Gay Guys
Dearest Aggravated Group of Gay Guys,
I apologize for what you perceive as my failure to comment on Donald Trump. I swear to you that I find him an embarrassing, crude, narcissistic, volatile and outright scary "leader." I have never heard a man who uses so many words like "greatest" and "truly...." etc. I have no confidence in him, and I certainly have no respect for his plans to "make America great again."
I will say that I might have replied to any issue concerning this man if you had written a message about it. IN MY MIND, MERELY MAKING MY OWN OPINIONS KNOWN WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE 'PREACHING TO THE CHOIR."
CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG... but I don't know of any LGBT person who supports Trump.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
School starts next week, and the three of us have been arguing about something for months, even back into our sophomore year.
My two friends and I are gay, but not exactly out. Oh, we're out to each other, but no one else in school would ever guess. In fact, we were surprised when we learned about each other-- and we are best friends.
We have a teacher at school who is a real "woof." He is gorgeous, athletic, hot, dresses really well, never mentions a girlfriend. He is also a swimming team coach so we have seen a lot of him, if you get my drift.
This summer we were walking around in Greenwich Village and we saw him come out of a gay bar alone. We were surprised and stunned, but we rejected the idea of running up to him and saying anything. After all, none of us are the legal age to drink.
We would like to out him and do him a favor. We know how difficult it was to live in the closet. Each one of us is in at least one of his classes. We also belong to the swim team. We also fantasize about him a great deal. In essence, he is the totally perfect Mr. Right.
Don't you think that if we outed him it would be a big load off his mind?
Manny, Moe & Jack
Dear Pep Boys,
I can understand how you feel about this teacher. I think most guys have had the same type of teacher during their school years. Having said that, I strongly advise you NOT to out this man. I repeat-- DO NOT OUT THIS MAN.
Since the three of you have not come out yourselves, it's strange that you want the teacher to do so. Be cool around him. Make him realize that you're decent guys and leave it at that.
Don't give up hope. After you graduate you might meet him somewhere and start talking about your experience of being gay. He will choose to reveal himself or clam up. This is his right. This would be as good a time as any to mention where you saw him in the Village.
Although I doubt it, this might be a time when he is surprised to find out you are gay.
Yo Cousin Butchie!
I am 16 y.o. and I came out to my parents six months ago. It was not a wonderful scene as we argued back and forth about my life. I was told that I was doing this to aggravate them- that I am condemned by society and most faiths- that I was being a very bad influence on my siblings. To show how irrational they became, they also said that they didn't know how I could possibly be a good baseball and soccer player.
I was forced to agree to see a shrink. They made an appointment for me with an Indian psychiatrist who doesn't speak English too well and gives me a pep talk on changing my same-sex attraction and about my unnatural desires. The sessions are about fifteen minutes and I leave with a prescription for an anti-psychotic drug. My parents don't know that I never take it. I dump them down the toilet.o Oe by one at the usual dose times.
I have boyfriends but no one serious at this point in my life. I feel abandoned. The fact that I am rejected by this whack-a-do Pyschiatrist and by my parents is distressing.
You are not seeing the right doctor, and I think you realize the need to change. The keys to recognizing and incompetent psychiatrist are:
They don't comprehend that the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association have removed GLBT people from their list of people with intrinsic disorders. They will sometimes suggest reparative therapy which is another failing approach. When these doctors talk to you they use terms like "same-sex attraction" and "homosexuality/homosexual" and they never use the LGBT/GLBT identifiers. Add a Q onto the identifiers and they get nasty. Giving you anti-psychotic drugs seems to be not acting in your best interests.
There are several groups which fraudulently claim "cures" among their patients. They have never been proven correct. Courage (and EnCourage for the parents) is a group for Christian gay people and their parents. The Jewish equivalent is called JONAH and has the same unethical and damaging ways to attempt a transformation to heterosexual.
I would suggest that you attend a meeting of PFLAG- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays for initial support. Then invite your parents to a meeting where there will be parents who will listen and offer positive answers.
School starts soon, and I suggest you find a guidance counselor in whom you can confide. Ask him to help you come to terms with your parents. He/she may even arrange a meeting with a legitimate psych professional who can offer your family guidance.
Let me know if you need specific times and locations of meetings... and one chapter has a gay male facilitator who can and will "speak" with you in person or online.
Let me know how it goes.
Dear Uncle RJ,
What is it like to be an older gay man living in our society? I have had a good number of partners while looking for Mr. Right, and only a few have come close to what I seek, but they didn't come close enough.
Are all gay couples rich, well educated, dressing only in designer clothes, etc.? You get my point.
I am mostly concerned about living my last years single and lonely and unloved.
In your opinion, should I decide to settle for a fairly acceptable man who doesn't meet all of my criteria?
Older and Lonely
Dear Older and Lonely,
You have pretty much answered your own question. When we set our sights too high and expect someone else to fit that image perfectly we are setting ourselves up for disaster.
I suggested that you take a good look at yourself and consider why your standards are so high. If you've expected to fall in love with a man who meets all of your criteria, I can almost assure you that there will be something you failed to consider-- and the relationship will be over.
I have many friends who are in seemingly good relationships, but they are never perfect. Several make me wonder how they ever hitched up at all. Why not alter some of those self-centered expectations and see if YOU have anything to offer another man.
The alternative is to live an old(er) age alone, and this is very difficult for many men. On the other hand, even in a relationship (gay,bi, straight), one partner is going to survive the other and probably have a rather lonely life after that.
When you meet someone you basically like, try using some unconditional love for his shortcomings-- and hope he will do the same with you.
Hello Faithful Readers,
This is Cousin Butchie. Over the past few months, there have been some questions sent my way and I have felt that they could be better answered by my elderly Uncle RJ. It's not that I can't answer these questions. It's rather I believe that someone who has been gay longer than I've been alive might have a much better understanding of the questions and the people who are presenting them.
So... here goes... I introduce Uncle RJ who is proud to have me for a nephew...
Dear Uncle RJ,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write to an older person like myself. My son is gay and his father and I have taken all of the steps necessary to be accepting and understanding. I guess that we are not only parents but allies as well.
This year we attended the NYC Gay Pride March. It seemed like something which would increase our bonding with the LGBT community, and our son was thrilled that we were planning to be there. We marched with PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and our son marched with a group of Catholic LGBT people from Catholic parish groups in the area which have supportive ministries. In NJ there are two that we know of-- one entitled "In God's Image" from Sacred Heart Church in South Plainfield and the other Most Precious Blood in Monmouth Beach. Various NY groups either marched with them or with their own respective parish groups. It was a joy to see these LGBT people who live in the realization that Pope Francis has made some wonderful inroads in appointing leaders who are welcoming to the LGBT Catholics. We were told that ten years ago, NJ would never have had such a place in the march, but they would probably be associated with DIGNITY. a group of people who paved the way for the progress we have started to see. WE OWE THEM ENORMOUS THANKS FOR PAVING THE WAY AND KEEPING MOST OF ITS MEMBERS IN AN UNWELCOMING AND UNLOVING INSTITUTION.
Okay, my husband has been watching me type and has told me to get to the point. That point is something we have not been easily able to ask our son or his friends.
What we saw at our first march was somewhat shocking and disconcerting. There were marchers dressed in so little clothing that very little was left to the imagination. There were lesbian motorcyclists in very abbreviated "tops" and others who appeared to be men. Then there were the boys and men on floats waiving to the crowds. They wore shorts which showed a great deal of the male anatomy. Others wore clown outfits and were balanced by the NY Gay Firefighters, the NY Gay Officers League and the politicians from NY made their appearances. It seemed like a fun event.
This was the first year that the entire parade was televised, however I understand they had a slight time delay so that they wouldn't show some of the oddities or anything considered indecent.
More than a few co-workers told me they saw the march on television. I let them criticize the things they disliked, but I truly agreed with them. Is this the kind of image the LGBT people want to send to the entire country? I see no reason for the extreme explosion of flesh and some of the antics on some of the floats.
Why is this necessary? Am I supposed to support it because my son is gay?
You certainly put a lot into one letter so I am not surprised that Cousin Butchie passed this to me.
The way people act at the gay pride marches/parades is often a shock to the spectators seeing it for the first time. I don't blame you for your reactions. You were seeing people conduct themselves in a different way than you had expected or even thought possible. However there is a fairly good reason for this.
In New York, going back to the first gay pride march in 1970, there has always been a major threat to gay rights existing in our country. It was a time when lgbt people had almost no rights. The legal system had not been accepting, the politicians were slow to help improve our civil rights. Then we faced the pandemic of the aids crisis which was killing thousands of our young and older gay men as the government was ignoring the health crisis for so long that those people suffering the ravages of aids had to form their own organizations and outreach groups to make an attempt to nurse our own sick brothers and sisters... as the nation seemed blind to what was happening.
Slowly, far too slowly for so many, the nation started paying attention to the need to help the sick and find medications to stop the virus in its tracks--- and to educate the younger people to avoid further contamination and death.
So... We now have a background which explains why lgbt people so often act the way they do at the pride marches. The way I see it is as a devil may care spirit of celebration of the progress we have made so far as a people free to love in the way we choose to live and love as we were created-- in god's image as is the name of the lgbt faith-sharing group in South Plainfield.
It is also important, I believe, to look at the major setbacks of all peoples' rights by President Trump. Many of his policies and damned tweets make it clear that one man acts capable of threatening our progress, our rights, our lives... And it's not just the lgbt people.
One day a year when some lgbt brothers and sisters express themselves with joy and actions which get the attention of the people and the press show a liberation and cause for celebration themselves--spirit, mind and body.
Uncle RJ will answer a few more questions during the next few days.
Until then, stay cool in all ways!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
My brother and I are both gay. I'm three years older than he is, but we came out at the same time. Our parents were stunned at first. You know, they never suspected, etc. Now they are very accepting and are even marching in the NY Pride Parade with PFLAG.
The problem is my younger brother just graduated from high school and is going to a local college in the fall. For the past two plus months he has been dating a dude who doesn't have the best reputation. One of my friends told me that my brother is seeing this dude. (Although we always share a lot with each other, he chose not to tell me about the new dude).
I did a little investigating on my own, and I can tell you with certainty that this dude is a player who is totally promiscuous and irresponsible. The younger boys/men who date him find him attractive and they pay for any cost of their dates. How this dude can keep track of all of his dates is a mystery. He has, I am told, bragged about his "conquests." He also talks about PNP which means Party & Play.
Do I tell my brother what I know... from start to finish about this dude? I love my brother and I don't want his heart broken, no do I want him to get some disease from this guy. I also want to make sure this pariah doesn't seduce him with alcohol and drugs which is the meaning of "Play."
My suggestion is that you invite your brother to go with you to lunch or a drive... even go to NY and take a Circle Line Cruise. Start the conversation by telling him that you heard about the dude he's been dating. Ask about his feelings and reasons he goes with him. Then tell him the facts (only the facts) you have heard about this dude. Tell your brother that you don't want to see him hurt, and make sure you emphasize that there are plenty more good men to date.
Whether he ends the "friendship" depends on how much he believes what you tell him. He could tell you he will break it up and continue behind your back. When he's in college, even locally, you won't know as much about his social life as you now know.
After you tell him how you feel and that you hope he will make a wise choice about this dude, tell him that IF AND WHEN THE FRIENDSHIP GOES VERY WRONG, YOU WILL BE RIGHT THERE TO HELP HIM SORT IT ALL OUT.
A few friends and I were discussing a problem which still exists in the gay and lesbian community. We all are beyond bothered by the way people think that the transgender people (who have come out of nowhere) are suddenly identified with normal gay and lesbian people. We already went through the problems of growing up and deciding with lots of fear and trembling to come out of the closet. This transgender hype throws us back into a closet of fear that people are thinking that we are possibly transgender. I don't mean to be prejudice or stupid about this situation, but we are living it and it's not fair.
Hey, Not Stupid!
In my humble opinion, you are stupid! Perhaps that's insulting to you, but I believe your comments are insensitive and not well researched.
A blog posting before mine by Simone illustrated her experience of prejudice on two levels-- as an African-American woman and as a lesbian. You might go back and read what she has to say.
IMO... In some places and situations there is a greater acceptance of lesbian and gay people, and possibly a better understanding of bisexual people. However the entire awareness of the presence of transgender people has arisen rather quickly. Be that as it may, THEY ARE PART OF OUR COMMUNITY. We have used LGBT (occasionally GLBT) as a description of our community for many years now.
No one is asking you or your friends to date transgender people, but giving them the kind of respect that you cherish is more seriously owed to these brothers and sisters. Some may forget the need for protest marches and demonstrations and the fight for marriage rights. These transgender people are worth our love and listening and compassion. Their journeys have definitely been more difficult than most of ours.
I will say that I needed to take a little time to study the entire background and meaning of the transgender men and women. I was able to understand about 80% at that time. Then I met several transgender people and their stories were inspiring and often very sad because they reminded me of the stories I have heard about the horrible treatment we all received prior to Stonewall and for years to some.
In the present political climate, we don't know exactly how much of our rights and protections will be supported by the Trump Regime. It's time to place the love of our brothers and sisters beyond our sexual attraction to them. We have no excuse to refuse them their proper place in our LGBT community.
P.S.-I realize that I left the "Q" (and other letters) off the LGBT identification. If anyone cares to discuss that, write to me here.
P.P.S.-I have just read that there are 1.25 million transgender people of all ages in the United Sates. How painfully long they remained anonymous is a very somber thought.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am very scared right now, and none of my friends let me talk about it. As soon as I lead into a discussion, they tune me out.
Here's what happened. My parents weren't home and I answered the door for two of Jehovah's Witnesses. They were pleasant enough and the one dude was a fox. I let them come in and they told me that the Bible points to the fact that the world will end very soon. They had all kinds of passages which scared me because I haven't really read the Bible. They left some literature and asked if they could come back and do a Bible study with me.
Some of the things which make me believe them are President Trump, ISIS, all types of violence. Lest I forget-- they also told me that LGBTQ people are part of the immorality and sin which fill the world and will contribute to its destruction.
Hi, Soo Scared!
According to most major religions the end of the world (apocalypse/ armagedon) is going to happen sooner or later. It is the intensity and credibility of their reasoning which must be considered. In the sects like Jehovah's Witnesses and the Evangelicals people have been predicting the end of the world as we know it at various times. Some followed misguided "prophets" and stopped paying mortgages and rents, bought very little food, and home schooled their children so they were always close to their families.
Uncle RJ has told me about countless dates that the JW's have predicted. When those dates came and went, they just claimed to have miscalculated or misunderstood the doomsday date. Some Roman Catholics believed that 1960 was going to be the last year based on the claimed "apparitions" of three children in Fatima, Portugal in 1917. There was a letter the surviving child gave to the pope at the time and told him that Mary didn't want to have it read to the people until 1960. According to some people, several popes have read the letter and fainted (how credible is that?) I know that the Jewish people await the coming of the Messiah, but I'm not familiar with any who believe this will occur at any specific time.
As for the immorality of the LGBTQ community-- Could we expect to be excluded from the "prophetic zealots"? We have been blamed for so much throughout the years. Few of us even recall the fact that the Nazis had a special part of their death camps for gay people and made them wear a pink triangle on their prison clothes so they would be singled out for even worse tortures than others. Take some time and read about the way A.I.D.S. was/is considered by many ignorant people to be God's punishment for gay men. Of course, they never consider the straight people who were drug users or the babies of mothers with the A.I.D.S. virus (H.I.V.).
Having written all that, I also am very much afraid of Donald Trump. I am also very concerned about the Islamic terrorists, the violence in our big cities, the immorality of some of our better known Americans, et al. In most respects Congress can keep him sane.
Dude, live your life as the best gay person you can be. Be kind and loving with your family, your friends and people in general. If you believe in God pray to that God. At this time, the best petition would be the seeking of peace of mind. You might also be positive in your actions and words. If you go to a church or temple which often speaks against homosexuality and sodomy let it go in one ear and out the other OR change to one of the LGBTQ affirming congregations all over the country.
Realizing that this response to your question might have missed the mark on some issues, PLEASE take a few minutes and reply to state your feelings and beliefs.
In the meantime, Uncle RJ and I wish you a Happy Passover and a Happy Easter and for some, just a joyful holiday week or two.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I don't know if it was right to search my son's emails and everything else on his computer, but I have been going crazy about his possible homosexuality. I have read more than any mother should, but I did discover your website, and I hope it is okay for me to ask some questions.
My son is 17 years old and I know he is gay. He didn't tell me, but the emails and my observations about his demeanor and the friends he brings to the house have confirmed my suspicions. I hate to add this, but one of the emails was a love letter-- the kind a boy writes to a girl. Can you help me?
Yes, I can give you some advice and a resource which will definitely help you.
My first inclination was to express some outrage at your cyber-spying on your son. However it's already been done, so let's go on from there.
Your son is gay and he would probably like to come out to you and his father if he believed that you would be understanding and supportive. This is the basic reason that many LGBT people don't come out.
My advice in your situation is NOT as important as the support you need from other parents. There is a very experienced and dedicated group of parents and others who meet once a month to discuss their journeys with their LGBT children. It is PARENTS, FAMILIES & FRIENDS OF LESBIANS AND GAYS OF NORTH JERSEY. Your closest meeting is held on the second Thursday of each month at Christ Episcopal Church at 74 Park Avenue in Glen Ridge. You enter at the rear door. Time is 7:30-9 PM.
At these meetings you will have the opportunity to listen to the experiences of other parents and you can either ask questions or just listen. It is also a good idea to exchange phone numbers with a member with whom you feel there is a connection. You may also call the Helpline at 908-300-4227. Randy will give you as much time you need. All you need to do is leave your name and number with a brief message. All of the calls go to voice mail to avoid some unpleasant calls we've had before. We follow the NY City chapter in accepting messages first.
At some point, you are welcome to bring your son if you both wish to come.
You have started to take a very important first step in accepting and loving your son for the person he is. The group (for short) is called P-FLAG. You will not be sorry you attended.
Let me know how things go!
Hello, Wonderful Readers...
I am not answering your question(s) in this post.
Rather, I want to remind everyone to watch Dateline on Channel 4 on Friday, March 10th from 9-11PM.
The program will deal with the horrendous harm caused by people who think that LGBT people can be changed by reparative therapy. This practice has been condemned by all mental health professionals. Our beloved Governor Christie has also outlawed this travesty in New Jersey.
Last week, there was a fairly good mini-series called "When We Rise" covering the history of the LGBT's history of facing considerable hardships and discrimination in their attempts to give us the freedoms we have today. If it's repeated, I'll post a message. Although there were many commercials and some loose ends, these four programs told the stories of what they did FOR US... much of which is forgotten today. Very likely, we will all need to keep very much on the ball during this unexpected Trump-Pence Administration.
Also... at your request, I will try to do an interview with Uncle RJ. Can't promise when, but chocolate bunnies get him revved up, so I'll try that.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I think we might know each other at school, but I'm not sure and I would rather write to you anyway.
My boyfriend has been doing some strange things lately and I'm very confused by what's going on.
For example, I went to kiss him a few days ago and he blurts out "Not until you shave that facial hair." This has never been a problem before. He has even told me how much he likes that scraggly look. The next day he picked me up for a date and told me that he wasn't going unless I changed my shirt because it looked just like his. In the past, there were always calls and texts from him during the day, and everything seemed cool. He has also cancelled two dates at the last minute, and this has never happened before.
What would you suggest?
Only you can judge what's happening between the two of you, but it will take a serious at the table conversation to both speak truthfully about what issues are threatening your relationship. Be willing to admit any shortcomings you have and tell him what's bothering you about his behavior.
Nothing really works with less success than a relationship in which there are petty remarks and some inner hostility. OR your boyfriend may have found someone else. It's a downer, but it happens. Have the talk and see what the real issues are. If you both agree to change a little, it will probably work out.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am at my wit's end, and I have no idea how I can solve the mess I'm in. I also have a certain degree of guilt about feeling this way.
When my father passed away five years ago he made all of us (six children) promise that we would never put our mother in a nursing home. At that time, she was in good health but depended on me for some errands and bill paying. I am the youngest of the six and I am gay. I graduated from college and immediately got a great job-- interesting and financially over the top.
Our mother slowly began to develop signs of dementia. We all chose to ignore it in the beginning, and my siblings felt that things were under control because I still lived with her and gave her the help she needed. As the symptoms of the disease became dangerous (leaving water to run as the tub overflowed, starting to cook something and walking away until the smoke alarm went off. Mom would also become angry and break things. She also could never remember my name, and she always asked me to take her home. Since she was home, she became agitated.
I finally resigned from my job when I realized that none of my five siblings were willing to help out. I could not even get one of them to stay with mom while I went on a date or to a meeting. They all explained to me that they have families and very responsible and well paying jobs. They were very pleased when I quit my job, and they phone every so often, but they tell me that our mom liked me best (a la The Smothers Brothers) and that I had no expenses (or social lie) since I am gay and unattached. There is a part of me that tells me that I "owe" this to our mom. On the other hand, I realize that my career has been destroyed for the time being, and my own finances are precarious.
Please-- if you have a solution for this problem, share it with me. I am going crazy.
At My Wit's End
Hi, "At My Wit"s End,"
I have heard about situations similar to yours. It often becomes a problem dumped on the child who is LGBT and the siblings provide nothing-- except for suggestions on how much more or how much better the caregiver should be doing.
Here's a plan I suggest:
Find someone to stay with your mother for a few hours, and demand that all of your siblings and their significant others meet with you to discuss a serious problem.
When they have all gathered, explain to them that you feel very burdened being your mom's caregiver. Explain that they have ignored the fact that you have no social life and no job any longer. Next, ask them what your dad meant when he asked them to never put our mom in a nursing home. Did he mean that just one of them (you) should accept this huge responsibility?
Give them all a copy of the salary you were earning in your last job. Also tell them the cost of a nursing home until mom's money runs out. Also factor in the charge for a visiting nurse to care for the personal care you cannot provide. Give them several days to think it over and come up with a payment for you each month which will represent the money you are not earning, the health insurance you need for yourself, etc.
If your brothers and sisters refuse to cooperate and come up with a more than generous amount you are to be paid each month, call the county office of Health and Human Services and have a case worker step in to solve this entire situation. AND don't let any of your siblings make you feel guilty or evil or uncooperative.
Also explain that your mom will be better cared for in a decent nursing home and make sure you tell them that your dad's requested promise could not have made with dementia involved.
It's hard to say, but you are the only one who can turn the wheels of responsibility for your entire family! Don't put your career on hold much longer. Some prospective employers might be impressed by your story of dedication, but they would probably be more interested in how you pressured for a change in this entire dilemma.
Dear Cousin Butchie and Uncle RJ,
I hope it's okay to write to the both of you at one time. I need all of the encouragement and positivity I can get, and I assume I am not the only one.
I read that this is the first time in 40 years that both Christians and Jews are celebrating holy days at the same basic time. Is this an omen? I also have some friends who showed me the prophecies of Saint Malachy which point to Pope Francis as the last pope before the end of the world.
I am bummed out and depressed. I am scared to death of Donald Trump and the Cabinet of Deplorables he has chosen. I had always hoped to marry an awesome dude and adopt a few kids. Now I don't know if there will be any possibility of doing this. The end may have already wiped us out.
I would be a liar if I didn't admit that I am not feeling very good about Donald Trump and his chosen cabinet members. It was the first time I could vote, and my candidate lost in a very confusing disparity of the popular vote and the Electoral College voting.
Since Uncle RJ has been around for many years, I'm asking him to share his thoughts with us.
Hi Dan and Butchie and Readers,
There is no doubt that anxiety is running high for many people this holiday/holy day season. We have the terrorist attacks which threaten to occur at almost any place we can imagine. We also have President-elect Donald Trump who doesn't exactly inspire trust and credibility. The people he has chosen for his Cabinet are also fairly questionable. ISIS is continuing its campaign to threaten the existence of happiness and security Americans (and many others) have cherished for so long.
Now, let's look at the other viewpoints. Hillary Clinton, whom I voted for without a second thought. However there have been more than a few reasons to not trust her. In all honesty, I would be more comfortable if she had won the election in totality.
The people who warn others that the world is ending are not to be believed. Jehovah's Witnesses have set a specific date for the Battle of Armageddon and all of these dates have passed without any calamity. The prophecies of Saint Malachy are not believed by Catholic scholars and theologians. The "warnings" are always identifying a pope with a phrase or word which could be credited to almost anyone.
The theme of many sacred books is BE NOT AFRAID. We need to live the best lives we can and not let the doomsday people depress us. There is certainly enough to deal with in society as LGBTQ people. I suggest that we all start taking better care of our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community.
How can we care for them better? Do you know of anyone who is not welcome at a family gathering at this time a year or any other time? Do you know an older LGBT person who lives alone or is the survivor of a relationship? Instead of making any of our brothers and sisters invisible, we can remember them as best we can. Invite them for dinner. Buy them a present. Visit one who is in a nursing home. We can also take the time to listen to our LGBT youth who aren't sure that being different is a positive thing.
Butchie and I wish all of you a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Happy Kwanzaa.... Our future will be as happy and safe as we work to make it.
If there is anyone who feels totally depressed and losing it, there is a 24/7 helpline you can call at:
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am 17 years old and I tried to come out to my family on Thanksgiving at dinner. Since I've been reading your blogs that kept nagging at my psyche to come out once and for all. It would be over and, usually in time, my family would be supportive.
Well, Mr. Butchie (Know-It-All), this is what happened yesterday.
My Italian family always eats Thanksgiving for four hours, and my mom said that I could invite a friend. I figured she must have assumed that Chris (my friend) is straight.
Being gay, we arrived fashionably late by 50 minutes. We sat down with the family and started to eat. Mom announced that she was divorcing dad unless things improved in their bedroom. I started to speak and my little brother stopped everything by saying that we had not said grace. All the utensils were put down and the prayer began. When it was over my sister barked out that she didn't know why we said grace only one day a year. Mom acted embarrassed. As I was eating my stuffing my other sister cleared her throat and announced that she is four months pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. Everyone hugged her and she cried as the food got cold. My BFF kicked me under the table to let me know that we should follow that drama with our coming out announcement. I said that I had something very important I needed to tell everyone at one time, and this was the ideal time. Some of them must have thought I was going to say that I finally passed my geometry class after taking it for two years. I smiled and said that my announcement would be difficult so I would appreciate some real attention. I looked at everyone at the table and then said that I had discovered something about myself and could no longer remain silent with those I love. My father broke in and asked if I was smoking or maybe I had a huge tattoo on my back. I continued, at this point realizing that the plan in my mind was going nowhere. So, I said "I want all of you to know that I am gay and that I have been gay for as long as I can remember." There was total silence until my grandmother said that there's nothing wrong with being happy. Someone whispered the big secret in her ear, and with a rosary in her hand, grandma fainted. She recovered very soon and asked me if I had discussed this with my cousin, Father Bruno. I could not blow Father Bruno's cover by saying that he was not shocked and decided to take me on a vacation with him for a week. The details of that weekend are probably in sealed records in the Vatican.
In addition, moronic Cousin Father Bruno fudged things by stupidly saying that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. My BFF asked who did create Steve? BFF said that if Adam and Eve were the parents of Cain and Abel, with whom did they fornicate to start the human family! My Italian-Catholic parents had no idea what was going on. They go to church but read the bulletin and also watch the clothing of the people going to communion. You don't want to hear mom's feelings on dressing like Southern Baptists when we go to Mass.
We had reached the three hour mark in the banquet, and everyone talked about the football game and Donald Trump. Under the table I found my BFF's hand was near my knee. Grabbing his hand in mine calmed me down.
Butchie, I am not sure about what will happen next... but I will keep you informed.
Thanks for everything... L.O.L.
I am honored that you found my blogs inspiring enough to make the decision to come out, but you didn't ask me all the right questions... and you didn't really read my answers to dudes thinking about coming out.
I have always suggested that the big talk not be held with more than your parents (and possibly siblings). Thanksgiving wasn't too swift, but I do recall a dude who was planning to make this coming out speech on Mother's Day! To what end?
What's done is done, and I expect some details about how things progress. In my opinion, there are lots explanations to cover with the family. Since it takes us so long to get the courage to come out, don't expect your parents and family to suddenly start waving rainbow flags.
Coming out on Thanksgiving... and to so many family members present, was not the best move. But it's done. For awhile they may not even mention your orientation, but sooner than later they will. Have a list of new library books for them to read. Also locate the closest monthly meeting of P-FLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
Take things very slowly since you're still in high school. Also, remember that some parents refuse to pay college tuition for a gay son or daughter.
To lighten this up just a little, I was reading a book by gay comedian, Bob Smith. He writes that he was thinking about coming out on a holiday and wasn't even thinking when he said "Mom, please pass the potatoes to a homosexual." She immediately gave them to Bob's father! Go figure!
Dexter, if you need more advice, please ask for it. Quite possibly you might be asking me to be best man at your wedding!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I looked forward to this month's election because it was the first time I have ever been old enough to vote. My hopes and dreams were shattered when Hillary Clinton won the popular vote but lost the electoral vote to Donald Trump. During the debates I thought this man was both rude and ill-informed.
Now, some of my friends and I are more than depressed. No one has fully explained how Hillary Clinton could have had one million more votes and was still defeated.
I share your pain and disappointment. I'm not sure where it appeared but there was one picture of a gay couple with signs endorsing Trump.
I have met people who said they were voting for Trump. Heterosexual people (both Democrats and Republicans) tried to say that the LGBTQ residents in the United States would be treated fairly by Trump. Some also continued their eight year mission to derail anything President Obama tried to accomplish. I don't know when Hillary Clinton first expressed her approval for LGBTQ marriage. She wasn't the first supporter but she did go on to create an example others followed.
Your Cousin Butchie (moi) hopes, even prays, that we have a safe and peaceful four years with Trump. Possibly he will have a positive influence on all of us in the United Sates and those abroad.
We now await the agonizing speculation about who will be in the new Cabinet and on the Supreme Court.
I was talking to Uncle RJ about this entire situation, and he said that we have survived worse possibilities with our elected Presidents. When I asked him to name a few he shut up like a clam. But he did say something sensible. Most of us (LGBTQ people) have concentrated a great deal on same sex marriage but that many of us have not shown much solidarity in working with each other with respect and even some loving support. Uncle RJ has told me many times how lesbians stepped forward and cared for gay men with AIDS long before lifesaving anti-viral medications were developed.
Maybe we can get over some of the attitude and divisions we ourselves have created in the LGBTQ community.
In the meantime, I was initially impressed by the protestors against Trump in so many cities, near and far, but there is no way to turn back the clock.
As a Catholic (and obviously an extremely liberal one) I have been mortified by the way the hierarchy have banded together in a low key but definitive teaching that we should not elect anyone who is Pro-Choice. This has happened in total disregard for one of the first things Pope Francis has told us-- that we should pay less attention to the subjects of abortion and gay marriage and begin to work for the many social issues we have ignored for so long.
God willing, 2020 will arrive and we will do damage control.
I conclude by saying that I sincerely hope that I have been wrong and that America will become great again.
Hey, Cousin Butchie!
I wrote to you long ago about the best way to find a date and relationship or both. You advised me to be honest so that other guys looking for special friends would trust me once they met me. It made sense. Who wants to think he's meeting up with Nick Jonas and opening the door to find a dude who resembles Dracula only worse? I did the best I could with my posting, and it bombed in a big way. My intended date was really pleasant and sweet and also confused. I am going to ask you to help me re-write that posting.
No offense, but ask Uncle RJ to help you correct and improve my ad. I am writing the entire ad below so you can both work on it. I am kind of at my wits end.
Here's what I wrote:
Your ad attracted me because I feel I can be totally honest with you. I am 25 years old and kind of promiscuous. I am not as smart as most guys my age. They talk about graduating from college, but I was only successful in getting my G.E.D. after seven tries. It has not helped my job as a valet parking boy at a great restaurant (same pay, same threats of being fired). I work off hours.
"I am looking for that special man who has lots of money, lives in a penthouse or mansion and needs me in his life. Being seen with me will increase the admiration of total strangers. I am 25 years old and don't mind dating any rich men from 18-30. I am not like most of the guys who respond to this ad. I make very little money as the baked potato manager at Wendy's. I will soon recover my driving license which had been suspended on false charges.
I know that many men are only interested in hooking up-- and only judge another by his "stats." I am 5'5" 122 pounds, I used to let my sister dye my hair red but I'm back to brownish hair now. I also have a great deal of body paint, some of which you will only see if we are skinny dipping or naked for another reason. I am the oldest of six children. No one in my family knows that I am gay. Or maybe if they do suspect, but it's not mentioned.
I have a lot to offer you as your lover, and maybe your husband. So...tell me about yourself!"
Dear Honest Abe,
Uncle R.J. and I have discussed your message. Our first impressions were that you are either a friend putting us on OR a writer who is really in need of some common sense advice.
We are not going to re-write this ad for you. If we change most of the descriptions we could probably make you sound like the type of date any man would find compatible and a hopeful permanent boyfriend. The problem, Abe, is that he is going to meet you and decide that you have not been honest. If WE write this for you, we are not doing you a favor.
Here's a few honest ways to write the ad. Give it an honest try, and one of us will help you polish it up.
Ask these questions in the ad and be sure to give your own response as well.
- How old are you and what kind of work do you do?
- Have you dated much in the past?
- Tell the things you would bring to a relationship to make it better.
- What was the last movie you saw? What was the best book you've read in the past, or now?
- Do you drink? Do you smoke?
- Do you have any gay (or LGBT) friends?
- Do you like children? Would adopting one (or two) be workable for you?
- How long have you been out of the closet?
- Have you had a serious friendship in the past? How did it go?
- Tell me about how you would envision the "perfect" date?
Abe, respond to these suggestions and let us know if you want a private reply or if you will allow us to put it online.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I got myself into an internet mess. I went to a dating site and found a dude who was also going to be a freshman at the same college I would be at. I'm in NJ and he was still with his parents in Oregon. He explained to me that he was coming to NJ to start his "gay life" without explaining anything to his families and parents. We really seemed to hit it off online. We exchanged pictures, and we even talked on the phone discussing our values and everything two gay guys would talk about. We even arranged to be roomies.
That is the background.
Last month when I arrived at the school dorm, he had not arrived yet. We planned online to have dinner at a pricey restaurant. I thought it would be a good start. Wrong!!!
When I met JJ, he looked nothing like the picture he sent. He was wearing flip-flops and Bermuda shorts-- and his body was one enormous tattoo no matter where on his body I looked. He also smelled and had lots of unkempt facial hair.
He suggested that WE take a shower before going out for dinner. I agreed reluctantly. He was trying to get us to have some very intimate contact before dinner. I was able to put him off.
I have endured over three weeks living with him as my dorm mate. I have not allowed him to get intimate, and I find it crazy to try to speak to him. He then informed me that he had plans to bring home another dude and would appreciate it if I would vacate the room until 11 PM or later.
I don't want to get a reputation for being a pain in the ass, and I don't him to consider me an enemy. What am I supposed to do?
I know that arriving at college for the first time can be very scary. Add a totally unacceptable roommate to the picture, and you are compromising and subjecting yourself to a situation which is bound to make its toll on your grades.
IMO there is a dorm monitor or someone in charge of dorm problems. You can go to him and tell him/her to help you get transferred to another room or maybe a different dorm. If they give you any noise, see the guidance officers (called by many different names). Tell them all the details.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
This is a somewhat involved question, but there is no one who can be trusted in my highly dysfunctional family. I mean, I love my parents, but they are so dysfunctional they should get an award.
I am 17 and openly gay. My parents struggled with it for awhile, but they are now cool with it as long as we don't discuss it!
My question concerns my 13 year old straight little brother. He is a great kid, very friendly, very straight-- and he knows nothing about his older brother being gay (that's me). One night when our parents were at a meeting of Neurotics Anonymous, my brother and I had dinner alone. Since I'm aware that he is dating some fairly nice girls, but he is still naïve I casually asked him what he knows about safe sex-- and what he said was ridiculous. Essentially, he thinks it's learning how NOT to fall out of bed! He hasn't a clue!!!
I know our dad gave him the "birds and the bees" talk. It had to be very similar to what he shared with me when I was about 12 years old. I know that he was nervous and that the way he described sex almost made me throw up. He didn't portray straight sex as anything to write home about. My gay-self hadn't revealed anything at this point.
OK... I was talking with my little brother and I asked him about the girls he has dated, etc. It might seem early to some, but I asked him if he practiced safe sex if and when he does hook up with a girl. He blushed and just asked what I mean. I used the word "condom" and he asked me what I meant.
My question is whether I should have a very serious heart to heart talk with him and even provide him with condoms "just in case." Our parents will not get around to this subject, and I am fairly certain that boys his age need to be prepared. He attends a parochial junior high school, so I don't expect there will be any total dialogue there.
So, what would you do?
Dear Big Brother,
At first I thought this message was a prank from one of my friends. But when I read it over again, I realized that you have a delicate situation and need some advice. Cousin Butchie can only tell you what he would do. Take what makes sense to you and skip the rest.
First of all, a 13 year old boy is at an age when he probably has sexual thoughts twenty times an hour. Since you brother is straight, he's thinking of girls. I would privately tell him that no one is pushing him to have sex (if this hasn't happened already) but that you want to share a very important subject with him. Buy him some condoms and discuss them with him. Emphasize that these things prevent pregnancy and also prevent syphilis and other diseases he has probably never heard of. I also think he might be acting dumb to see your reaction.
For awhile, I suggest that you not "come out" to him. What you are sharing with him is totally directed toward him, and you'll have plenty of time to be more open with him in a few years.
I know that some may disagree with me, but I maintain that it's better to be safe than sorry-- especially with a subject as serious as this.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have been dating a dude in my class. Everything is totally fabulous and I believe we will have a great future together. The chemistry is over the top. We both plan careers in nursing because male nurses are usually so rare. He might want to become a nurse practitioner or a physician's assistant. We have plenty of time for all of this to happen.
The other evening we went out for dinner at my grandmother's house. She's a really rad older lady and I actually came out to her before I came out to my parents. At about dessert time, Grandma asked if we plan to adopt children. I immediately said we don't plan on it. My boyfriend said that he wants to have two or three kids. We have never even thought that far ahead before that dessert talk.
Now, my boyfriend is bringing up the subject every chance he gets. I have told him that I would have no problem entertaining a few nieces and nephews but that I don't want to adopt. We are both going to have some heavy duty job responsibilities and I am certain that we would not be good parents.
How do we resolve this issue and is it all that important?
If you and your boyfriend cannot come to an agreement about adoption or in vitro fertilization I see no chance that your relationship will work. This is not a minor issue like the kind of car you will drive.
You guys are really just starting out in a relationship and the adoption question is years away, but you are hitting it now... and I think it's for the best. The two of you need to sit down, possibly with a close friend, and talk about all of your feelings about being parents in the future.
While Cousin Butchie rarely tells a couple to part ways, it seems that this issue is extremely important, and you need to face it honestly as soon as you can. You might even ask the boyfriend if a dog or cat would be an acceptable compromise. Ask this very respectfully or he might explode!
Just an observation: How many heterosexual couples enter a marriage with the understanding that they will not have children. I even know of one instance in which the male had a vasectomy.
Hey Cousin Butchie,
It's about five weeks before prep school classes start again, and I am bored out of my mind. I've done everything on my bucket list for the summer, and now I just watch the daytime game shows and play video games.
I'm pretty much feeling the same way you do. I decided to ask my Uncle RJ for his ideas. He went on for over an hour so I'll condense it. However...Waldo, your problem has become my problem because I realize that Uncle RJ had hit a few blind spots in my thinking.
So...Here are a few suggestions:
You probably have an elderly grandparent or other relative who is housebound or in a nursing home. Take some time to visit these relatives. They respond very well to visit from relatives, and Uncle RJ says that some families don't even bother to visit during the holidays.
Another suggestion was that I (you) surprise some older person in your neighborhood by mowing his/her lawn. If you don't move quickly, you can also shovel the snow. Under no circumstances take any payment-- unless someone bakes you an apple pie or sneaks you a beer.
You could also bring tears to your mother's eyes and clean your room-- not just rearranging the piles of clothes, etc., but organizing things so she doesn't need to lock the door to your room when company visits.
I'm sure you get the idea. I did, and maybe I'll run into you at Bridgeway or River's Edge Nursing/Rehab Centers.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I feel very stupid and helpless right now. I thought I had a great plan for staying in the closet for as long as I needed to and then surprising everyone with the news when I jumped out of that closet. I'm psyched to come out now, and the complications are going to be more difficult than I ever expected when I wrote out my plan.
I don't go to a school with a Gay-Straight Alliance, my family is clueless (at least, I tried to make sure they are) and I need to come out to the girl I've been dating for two years.
Thinking of my need to find a girlfriend to throw everyone off the track about my being gay, I heard about a girl in school who had taken one of those "no sex before marriage" pledges. It was something Kirk Cameron tries to get teenagers and young adults to promise. Well, the girl turned out to be very attractive and very much into her pledge. What more could I possibly want? I had a steady date for the prom and for a few family weddings, and we went on dates which included some of the hottest guys in school.
Things went well, and I congratulated myself for being so clever when the girl told her parents how wonderful I am and that I have never tried to do anything except give her a chaste kiss. I had lots of fun with her and the totally awesome straight dudes with their girlfriends. On one of the rides at Great Adventure, I was on one ride where I got sandwiched between two of the guys in their bathing suits. Oh yeah, it was that water rapids ride, and the girls were on one side of the round tube and the guys on the other. I was really scared when I had a very obvious physical reaction to the guys on the ride. The girls didn't notice, and the guys actually patted me on the back. Laughing about it with them made things return to normal very quickly. They also considered me to be one of THEM.
My problem really starts now. I have met another guy and we have just the right chemistry. We came out to each other and this makes me ready to come out in my last year of high school. I think my girlfriend also has a lot of interest in this guy's looks and personality-- and no one would ever consider him (or me) to be anything less than heterosexual.
How do I break this news to my girlfriend? She's attractive and fun to date, but she thinks I have taken the same celibacy pledge and has marriage plans way into the future. HELP!!!
You didn't sign a name, but that isn't a big problem.
You asked for advice, and your Cousin Butchie has never knowingly met anyone with a story like yours. I know that some gay guys have a friend who is a girl-- and they arrange to help each other out with necessary social events at school and in the families. Most of the time they are lesbians who are seeking what your seeking-- NOT a boyfriend, but a BEARD. You get the drift? This girl was not your girlfriend in the usual sense of the word. She thought you were the answer to her prayers to find a chaste young man whom she would date and love but remain a virgin until her wedding TO YOU.
If you are a selfish and rotten human being you can break the news now. This will assure that you break this girl's heart. She will feel betrayed by you, and she will probably feel stupid with her friends.
You have your senior year of high school left. I suggest that you stay in the closet until you graduate. Yes, see your boyfriend with discretion... but there is no valid reason to burst this girl's balloon. Chances are good that you will go to different colleges or get jobs in distant cities. This way you will let things fizzle slowly.
Please don't be offended, but I feel I must tell you that if you come out now and cause this girl pain and confusion and feelings of betrayal, then you are a lot lower than pond scum, a tool, a heartless person... and karma teaches us that things like this come back to haunt us.
She has unknowingly made your life easier for the last few years. Have the decency to continue it in your senior year and let it die out on its own.
Hey, Cousin Butchie!
Before school starts again I need to ask your advice on how to handle a dude who finds me to be his Mr. Right!
All last year I knew that this weird boy in most of my classes has been flirting with me. I have been as kind as possible but I may have been making a mistake. He is from a poor family, lives in a bad part of town, dresses like a pig, has crooked teeth and usually smells strange. We also play on the same sports team. He knows I am gay because I am proud of what a great dude I am. He, on the other hand, stays in the closet. When the team plays an away game, he manages to sit next to me on the bus. We have never talked about the gay issue, but he has commented on my looks and in the locker rooms after our games he looks at me with x-ray eyes and has even winked at me.
I do not blame this dude for coming on to me. I am really very handsome. I am also extremely smart and will probably be a lawyer. My parents are both professionals and I can have pretty much anything I want. I always wear designer clothes, including my underwear. I have some close friends who are very much like me. We are planning a trip to Rome and we share "news" about guys who are gay and hot in school, at the shopping mall....anywhere!
So how do I get the troll to stop being so needy and to stop coming on to me. I have very high standards and expectations, but I don't know how to proceed without hurting this troll's feelings.
Rich Gay Boy with Standards
Hey, Rich Gay Boy!
I am not addressing you as "dear...." because I don't feel that you are dear to many people, and you certainly are the epitome of attitude and arrogance.
If you pay attention to some gay men you will find that they are very much like you are. They are very wrapped up in themselves, cannot pass a mirror without kissing it, act rude to other gay men (often just until they get to know them...if that's meant to happen.
If you catch the daily news you will have to admit that our world certainly is lacking in kindness and respect for others. As LGBT people, Cousin Butchie isn't trying to sound like Pope Francis. BUT we need to make every effort to accept and befriend one another. So often our closest friends become those with whom there have not been any sexual advances. In reality, they have not been turned off by our shortcomings and become the people we often consider as brothers and family. The same applies to women (lesbian and heterosexual) who often are there for us in a really caring way.
So...Rich Gay Boy, I advise you to start showing some care and compassion to all of our brothers and sisters. No one should ever be called a "troll." Sometimes you might assume it's difficult to become friends with a lesbian or a straight woman. In general, I have found that we do become friends with them. This is especially mystifying to the heterosexual guys who wonder why the women are hanging around with us so much. They are puzzled because they don't understand the dynamics here. They would also be mortified if they knew some of the things the women tell us about them (L.O.L.)
For your immediate answer regarding the boy who is flirting with you, I suggest that the first time you can have a private one on one conversation with him, tell him that you would like him for a friend.... and that you honestly know that some guys make much better friends than lovers. Tell him you desire the friendship but that's as far as it can go. He just may become another one of your close friends!
Hello, my faithful and wonderful readers.
I appreciate the fact that you read my advice blog, and I ask you to indulge me this time in asking (again) for some words of wisdom from Uncle RJ.
I'll ask him his opinion and see how he replies.
What is your opinion of the political scene in the United States and the increasing terrorist attacks in the United Sates and in the rest of the world? AND for which of the candidates will you vote in November?
I ask these questions because some of the very right wing religious (evangelicals, etc.) are saying that the world is doomed and the blame goes right to us, the LGBT community. One nun said that we do things which make God "puke."
I have no idea how to respond to this stuff, and I find that most of my friends simply don't care.
Do you think we are in the end times and that the world is about to end as we know it?
Thanks, from your nephew, Cousin Butchie!
Dear Butchie and all of his readers,
Thank you for bringing this question to me to answer. I do not have beliefs and opinions which are totally trustworthy, but they do represent what life has taught me from the time before Butchie's parents were born, and I have formed my opinions on what life has taught me thus far.
First of all, I believe that people have never had access to worldwide news the way they do today. I recall my own parents saying that they knew about the Holocaust and other horrendous periods in history by attending the "News Reel Theatre" in Newark, NJ. (and other cities). In essence, we have never before been bombarded with so much bad news before. If you think about the horrible events of the past, for example: the Inquisition, the torture of "heretics" as just a few examples, I would not suggest that we have moved forward very much. I don't think life is hopeless, but it can be very scary at times. When the fundamentalists of every religious group isolate passages from the Old Testament and the Book of Revelation in the New Testament, they are doing what so many fanatics do-- THEY ARE CLAIMING TO KNOW where this world is headed and the causes for any disturbing and frightening events. LGBT people are easy for some of these self proclaimed prophets to blame. We have been implicated for and blamed for everything evil in society which has happened since the beginning of time as they know it. If we take a search engine and read all the times that the end of the world has been forecast by Jehovah's Witnesses, Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson, various Catholic mystics and Jewish prophets of doom... you may get unhinged unless you study how wrong they are about almost everything that goes wrong in this world.
The hardest thing for LGBT people to understand is that they are created with their unique sexuality and that the bigotry and bullying of heterosexual society is embarrassingly at the center of all our oppression and condemnation through the centuries. What people fail to understand, they condemn. Using their self-righteous stupidity makes it easy for them to join in the fight against what they fear and what their various religions tell them is right. The terrorist suicide bombers believe they are gaining the approval and reward from the "god" of their understanding. How many times in this country did people lynch African-Americans for crimes they were imagined to commit? And how many people opposed an end to slavery because they found it approved in the bible?
Let's make a concerted effort in the LGBT community to become more loving and caring for one another. The old issues of racism and sexism and intolerance need to be swept away so that we know in our heart of hearts that we are a loving people... still somewhat MARCHING FOR OUR LIVES. The march is now as important as it ever was. Ellen DeGeneres ends every program by exhorting us to be "kind to one another (or is it "each other"?).
I don't feel that it's appropriate to name the candidate I want elected in November. Actually, it's so easy to buy into Donald Trump's exploitation of the fears and insecurities we probably all have deep down inside. This, I believe, betrays what America is all about.
So... I didn't say which candidate will get my vote, but I think it's a no brainer.
Please get back to asking Cousin Butchie for his expert advice. I think he's getting depressed (whether he admits it or not) because he doesn't have all the answers. NO ONE DOES!
Have a safe and gay summer,
Happy Pride Weekend to all of our readers.
I will not hesitate to let Uncle RJ write in this space. He bribed me.. LOL.
It is expected that this will be the largest NY Gay Pride Parade ever. Gone are the days when the parade started up in the Central Park area and went to the Village in a much longer parade. Now, it's much shorter but its meaning is especially important this year.
The horrendous murders in Orlando two weeks ago have had a profound impact on LGBT people of all ages all over the country. I would not have the stupidity to explain any reasons for the Orlando Massacre. We just know how many of our LGBT brothers and sisters were killed and others are still recovering at various stages in and out of hospitals. We also have many grieving parents... who could be OUR parents.
We will have more people marching this year in support of the Orlando Massacre. It has motivated many to realize that our safety as a community is not as safe as we have assumed, nor are we accepted by others in the way we had presumed and hoped.
It is at times like this that we really come together in the solidarity we should have at all times. For instance, in the beginning of the A.I.D.S. pandemic, so many lesbians and gay men joined together in caring for the people with the disease which decimated our entire community. The beginning of the Gay Men's Health Crisis, Act Up, God's Love We Deliver... all sprang into action. And the NAMES PROJECT A.I.D.S. MEMORIAL QUILT began as a healing way for survivors to remember those they had lost. "One Life to Life" was the first soap opera to deal with the disease in a week of stories all being taped in New Vernon, New Jersey.
From anyone's point of view, it seems that our LGBT brothers and sisters rise to the occasion when a crisis hits. BUT we really should think about how we treat each other in the post crisis times-- the way we so often don't show much solidarity. Can we say that racism and ageism have disappeared? Do we ever take time to listen to the experiences of the men and women who started a Gay Freedom movement before most of us were even born?
Let's take some time to thank people on the parade route who have continued to support all of us even as their numbers waned. P-FLAG, Dignity, GAAMC, various gay ethnic groups, HIV Supporters still lobbying for early detection and treatment of a scourge which hasn't gone away. And how do we treat LGBT people over 30 years of age? In many places they appear to be invisible.
Whether you are in NY on Sunday or not, let's make this a day when we start treating one another with respect... and with the love which is so essential for us to survive. We must never forget how far we have come AND never rest with the assumption that the struggle is over.
Have a wonderful Pride Celebration!
Uncle RJ... and Cousin Butchie just told me to tell you that he approves!
ALSO... There will be a wonderful tribute to the victims of Orlando tomorrow morning (Saturday, June 25th) at Sacred Heart Roman Catholic Church in South Plainfield. Following the 9 A.M. Mass there will be the planting of two memorial trees in front of the church. As soon as possible there will be a stone monument between the trees. All are welcome.
I am writing to you because I know that you are around my son's age-- and because he has let me read some of your blogs. I don't know where else to turn because my son is out of the closet, but I am not! I just don't have the right answers to give when people say ignorant things.
I have been very accepting of my son and his friends over the past two years. I even went to several Pride events last year. Now, I am scared to death that some mentally deranged person or group of people could kill my son and his friends just as horribly as the Radical Islamic pig terrorized, seriously wounded or outright killed so many gay and lesbian people in the prime of their lives, the ages of my son and his close friends.
I love them but I am not blind to the very possible dangers in New York on June 26th.
I also want to add that I have attended a Pride Parade in NYC and was mortified and more than uneasy with the way some of the gay and lesbian people "dressed" and made fools of themselves. What possible good does this type of display achieve?
Very Worried Mom
Dear Very Worried Mom,
Thank you for reaching out, and from all that you've written I thank you for being a loving and accepting parent of your son and a support to his friends in the LGBT community.
Your fears are part of the grief and helplessness felt by many, many people since Sunday's unspeakable massacre of forty-nine young people (LGBT and Straight) in Orlando. There has been a remarkable and wonderful outpouring of support and love from the sane and caring/loving people from EVERY faith and every walk of life. There have been some expected tirades from the likes of Pat Robertson of "The 700 Club," but they might have redeemed themselves if they had been humane and true to the demands of their faith traditions. That wasn't gonna happen!
My Uncle RJ has told me that right after the September 11th destruction of the Twin Towers and almost three thousand people there was fear and trembling, probably on a larger scale. Life as Americans had known it would never be the same again. New York City virtually shut down. People were silent and somber for days. The theaters were shut down and Broadway went dark. Churches and synagogues were filled to capacity. It was the start of funerals for people of all faiths and those of no faith at all. The clergy were at a loss for words and they found it even harder to console the families of those whose loved ones were simply buried in the rubble.
Amidst the feelings of impotence, rage and grief, President George Bush, Mayor Guliani and Governor Pataki all spoke to New York and the nation telling them to diminish any sense of joy and victory from our enemies and get back to being vibrant and resilient. They were told to go back to the restaurants and theaters-- and resume living as best they could. I don't recall who said it...but, "LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE."
No one can totally assure you that the coming Pride events will be safe, BUT you can know that the security of the area will be monitored closely by the full force of the F.B.I., police, Homeland Security and anti-terror forces in our nation. Your son and his friends are old enough to make up their own minds, and they will probably not be stopped by the fears which are running rampant in your mind. I don't think you could ask for anything more. Just remember that your son (and the parents of his friends) can be proud that they raised kids who grew into proud and caring people. Without you, it would never have happened as well.
As for the sights one sees at some Pride Parades, Cousin Butchie has always been very interested in seeing some of the scantily clad LGBT people, but I can understand the shock some parents have when they first see this type of parade marcher. Although it possibly does more harm than good with the general public, it is only one day a year. It's one wild and crazy day to flaunt all that has been hidden or reviled for so many years.
Love to a Great Mom,