Hi Cousin Butchie,
I hope you are not offended by my question, but it's not one I can easily share with my friends or my family. At least, I don't think I can.
When I was three years old, my dad died. Three years later, when I was six my mom had a long friendship and finally married a very handsome (spelled "hot") man, and I was encouraged to call him my dad.
In the beginning, I liked this man so much that I chose to call him my dad. He took me to the theater, to baseball games, and even took the time to teach me to play cards and how to play golf. Even with school events, he went as my "step-dad."
I made the decision four years ago to tell my mom and my step-dad that I am gay. My mom took a little while to adjust, but step-dad said he understood and had no problem with it. He really didn't because he started to have very intimate conversations with me, kissed and hugged me more often...and then he started to get very intimate with me. Believe me, it was nothing I resisted, and I can never say he forced me. We have forged a relationship which is probably unique, but I wonder how the rest of the world views it. And I'm especially concerned about what my mom's reaction will be if he tells her or she figures it out.
Not that it matters, but we even wear the same size clothes which is awesome.
Please tell me what you think and/or what you would do.
I can understand the physical attraction, and I think the picture changes more than a little since he is not your natural father. He sounds like a wonderful person. BUT do you think it's fair of him to cheat on your mom with her son? What would I do? All things considered, if you and dad keep this totally secret -- right or wrong, I might do what you're doing.
Another consideration is how your mom will be treated in this entire scenario. If you and dad bond and choose to live together or marry (in a few years) I wonder how your mom will feel? Possibly, since you spend so much time with dad, she isn't all that infatuated with her husband at this time, or she might suspect he is bisexual.
You asked what I would do, and I'm sure that others will disagree with my reply... but I wish that they send along their feelings and suggestions.
All my best,
Hello, Cousin Butchie,
I come from a large Italian family and whenever we get together someone will ask me what "Gay Pride" is all about and what there is to be proud of. Generally it's a uncle or cousin who says something stupid like "I'm straight. Should we have a "Straight Pride" celebration?"
What am I supposed to say? I am 22 and don't have a good answer.
I am not sure how to answer this for you so I asked Uncle RJ to fill in for me on this one.
Dear Butchie and Rocco and All Our Readers,
I would rather answer this than think that you guys go around not knowing what the pride is all about. I know that some of you only talk about hot celebrities, latest crushes, clothes, the best hairstyles, etc. It's far too dangerous now to limit yourselves in this way.
This year is the 50th Anniversary of Stonewall. I believe the NY Pride Parade will be called "Pride America," but I'm not positive.
Prior to Stonewall gay men and women (there were no other identifiers then) were routinely arrested and abused by the law for meeting in bars and for showing any affection in public. Names of arrested people were printed in newspapers and many lost their jobs and were alienated from their families for just witnessing who they were. In 1969, the Stonewall Bar was under attack by the police, but those in the bar fought back and brought to the world's attention the oppression faced by people of the same sex who loved one another. The first parade began, and these parades grew larger every year.
In the years after, gay people banded together to demand their human rights. Slowly, things became better in the United States. There was still much to be done, but we were no longer clandestine enemies who allowed ourselves to be removed from society.
I suggest you go online and read about the AIDS pandemic which killed so many of our brothers and sisters. View the work of the NAMES Project/ AIDS MEMORIAL QUILT and the extremely slow way our government responded to this health crisis. Look up the information about Harvey Milk and Cleve Jones and Father O'Neill who started the first gay Roman Catholic support group with the founding of DIGNITY.
It would not be so important to look back on our history if we didn't still live in a society which still challenges our civil rights and basic human rights. Although the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association removed "homosexuality" from their list of mental illnesses, there are still religious groups which continue to attempt to "pray the gay away" with reparative therapy-- a totally baseless and cruel treatment of gay and lesbian people. See the current movie "Boy Erased" to see how far the self-righteous (and spiritually ignorant) will go to make us heterosexuals. It is no more effective than trying to do the reverse, and it is fortunate that these groups like Exodus and Jonah have been shown to be total failures. Intimidating any gay or lesbian person to go back in the closet is not changing anything. Many of the first leaders of these groups have courageously admitted their errors. Others have been "outed" in gay bars and places they supposedly now disdain.
Bible-thumpers still very often try to use the Bible to show that same sex attraction is sinful and evil. I recall a straight Catholic priest who was getting the anti-gay talk from a group of fundamentalists and he told them "I have neither the patience nor the time to argue with you about your lack of understanding and ignorance of the Book of Leviticus and other seemingly condemnatory passages in the Bible." So many people read the Bible but don't study it. Allegory and contradiction often fills its pages and the "readers" don't grasp this fact.
At this very chaotic time in the history of our country, we have a leader who is denying armed forces service to transgender individuals. We also have a second in command who has donated almost a million dollars to support reparative therapy while his wife works for a school which accepts no LGBTQ students.
We also need to be very much aware of the problem the Roman Catholic hierarchy and faithful have in differentiating between their pedophile clergy and the GLBT members of the priesthood and religious orders who are prophetic in their attempts to keep the scandals of the leadership trailing down to infer that any gay person in ministry is a pedophile.
If this has only touched the surface for you, please feel free to respond here at NJGayLife.com or personally to me at KippyNJ@aol.com.
AND if you think you would rather not explore the past, think again about the violent and hateful attrocities which are still happening all over this land.
Hey Cousin Butchie!
To be totally honest, I am writing to you because I don't know where else to get a handle on my problem. So, here goes...
I joined an on-line dating service more than two years ago when I was 16 y.o. Almost immediately, I became a friend of another guy who was my age, looked great, shared many of my issues and it went full steam ahead. We live about 150 miles apart, and since we are both too young to drive, we have only met four times. Everything seemed cool, and we laughed when we both agreed that we hoped the other dude wasn't "cat-fishing" us.
After the first meeting, we bonded more. We told each other our innermost feelings, our problems with our families, our career goals, We even bet on sports games when neither of us knew precisely what was happening. In addition, I helped him with some of his math homework in texts, calls and e-mails. We made a plan to apply to the same colleges where we could be roommates. The plan worked! The school move-in is set for the end of August and there was no problem choosing each other as roomies.
When we met in New York last week to celebrate the way we have bonded and fallen in love with each other. We took the Circle Line and then went to a great restaurant because my dad gave me his credit card. During dinner, my b/f told me that he is a Gay Republican. I thought he was joking, but he went on to tell me how Donald-45 is really making America great again. I got a little upset and had tears in my eyes. He turned a deaf ear to everything I tried to tell him about the terrible impact this man is trying to have on LGBTQ people in America. My b/f never responded to these facts. I felt that I had been crushing on a stranger all this time. No matter how I argued, I gained nothing. Finally, over dessert we decided to agree to disagree. I was actually thinking he is the dumbest gay dude on the planet.
I am not being conceited, but the two of us are pretty good-looking and buff. We have so much going for us, but this latest revelation in upsetting me a whole lot.
So, I am asking you what you would do if you were me.
Bummed Out in Westfield
I was telling my gay Uncle RJ about your problem. His reply was that he thinks you should dump the dummy. Hold on, Bummed! I didn't like this response and feel that only someone like Uncle RJ (who has been around the block millions of times) would respond so much like a jerk.
My opinion is that you tell your b/f how serious you believe this issue is to you. Make it a meeting or conversation. Tell him that you need a mind to mind and heart to heart talk. Also mention that there will be very few, if any, guys at college who will agree with him about Donald-45.
If your b/f really loves you and has bonded with you as much as you both have he will agree to stop the political talk. Two healthy, intelligent 18 y.o. guys should have much more to do than discuss the merits of our oxymoronic leader.
Please let me know how this progresses.
P.S. Maybe not immediately, but why not take a look at the blog written by Richard Stiso on March 21, 2018. Dating on-line could be the way Richard shows it.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
Since NJ Pride happens only six days from now, I am again feeling left out of the plans of all of my gay friends. I made the mistake of asking some guys I considered close why I was being shunned by my gay buddies whom I thought liked me. I am 16 years old, and it's ironic that I have so many straight girlfriends who include me in so much of their lives. I mean we often lust over the same dudes and we share what we know, but a lot of it is either conjecture or fantasy.
Getting to the point-- I am not what might be called a hunk nor am I a troll. I do have a few extra pounds I need to shed and I am short so I feel shortchanged in the looks department. In addition, a dermatologist has been trying to eradicate my acne for over two years. I feel awkward and no sports interest me in the sense of playing. Looking at the athletes is interesting, but I know I'm not going to date one...not even for a coffee date.
Please say something to encourage me. I know I'm gay, but I don't have what attracts other gay dudes.
Dear Gay Bro (I refuse to call you "Uggle"!! ) When you refer to yourself this way, you become what you think and project. I am not much older than you are, but I have seen guys become couples (same with women) and scratched my head and asked myself what they see in each other. BTW... I've also seen it with heterosexual couples. The answer apparently is that two people have met and somehow "clicked" in a deeper and more pure way than others who have been gorgeous and seem like dreams. Many times, they declare their relationship and it dies probably because their "love" is centered only on sex and when their curiosity was satisfied one or the other moves on. Generally, he will start by saying "It's not you, it's me." Happens more often than many of us realize.
I suggest that you go to an understanding family doctor and tell him your story. He will probably help you shed a few pounds and also help you clear the acne. If you cannot trust a local doctor. Check back with me online. There are several hospitals which have a specific day when only LGBTQ patients are seen.
I hope you will understand this sharing of mine. I have a friend who doesn't measure up to most of the gay standards we have set up. In fact, people think he's just an unkempt straight man. He is the most caring gay man i know. He is friends with gay couples and guys who are also unattached. He tells me that he has no doubt that the god who made him gay also gave him a few repulsive qualities. Truth be told, that is how all of us are or have felt at some past time.
Don't try to change in monumental ways, but begin to look in the mirror and see someone you love. If you don't have some affection for the guy in the mirror you have to start seeing yourself in a loving way.
Also... You have many friends who are females-- and I' sure that one or two (or more) of them would help you coordinate clothes and comb your hair, etc. It is something I know you would not refuse to do for them. Give them a chance to help you because they love you... and how you have been there for them.
They will be anxious to go to your gay wedding as the friend they created to really clean up well!
Hey, Cousin Butchie,
This needs a fast answer. Time is of the essence.
My mother is not exactly in the running for most understanding mother of the year. I am out to her, but she is still not ready to accept the fact that I am proud to be gay and very happy to have a wonderful man in my life. She refers to him as my roommate. She has met "roommate" several times and she was extremely cold and rude to him. I've spoken to her and told her that when she is cruel and mean to "roommate" she is also cruel and mean to me. His parents are wonderful and have welcomed me as part of the family.
My "roommate" told me that his dad hopes we will join them for dinner on Mothers Day. I know that this type of invitation happens to all couples regardless of their sexual orientation. One set of parents needs to be chosen over the other for holidays. In my case, I get sick thinking of the stupid things my mother says about all the people she and Donald Trump detest, especially immigrants and people who "suffer" with same-sex attractions.
So, in a nutshell, what in the name of God am I going to do on Sunday?
I feel ignorant having to ask for advice like this, but I am stupid about what we should do.
First of all, calling yourself "ignorant" isn't very helpful because it stands in the way of thinking clearly.
I don't think Mother's Day is quite the appropriate time to have a debacle with your mother (and father, if there is one). My advice would be to send flowers with a card saying you are sorry you can't spend the day with her but other plans have already been made.
You realize that there are many issues to iron out before next Mother's Day or any family type holiday. Tell your mom that your "roommate" is your lover and that you will only go to family events as a couple-- and that you expect courtesy and some measure of understanding and love. Possibly it would could better if you talk to her alone.
As for the question of how other couples handle holidays, I have asked around and the usual drill is to alternate yearly events between the two families. Another tactic is taking one set of parents to dinner on Saturday evening and having dinner with the other set on Mothers Day.
I also want to remind you that not every parent has done a remarkably great job of endearing themselves to their kids. For every mother who comes close to deserving the sickeningly sweet words on a Hallmark card there are two or three (at least) who just haven't been so wonderful. Don't feel guilty because you cannot keep on accepting bad behavior with a smile.
Maybe by next year, when your "roommate" is more obviously and blatantly your husband you can invite your mother to dinner so she can meet your husband's family--and some of her vitriol will wash away.
Good evening, Cousin Butchie:
I am having a very difficult time coming out. I am 17 years old and have two brothers. My one older brother is the one I figured would be the best family member to approach with the news. We went on a Circle Line NY cruise (just the two of us) and I was feeling butterflies about what I was about to tell him. He started talking about his girlfriend and I kind of edged into telling him that I was pretty sure I was gay.matt d He thought it was a joke, but he saw the tears in my eyes and put his arm around my shoulder and said that I was just going through a phase and that he knew I was straight. I remained silent and feeling hurt. Then my brother asked me if I wasn't turned on by Jennifer Lopez and Kelly Ripa. I answered that Matt Damon and Prince Harry were much more interesting to me.
When the cruise was over and we were driving back to NJ, my brother took me to a bar in Hoboken (where I am not allowed to drink, but he managed to get me a few beers). I was loosened up and I told him that I am not joking or imagining things-- that I have known I was gay since I was seven years old. He said he understood but that he was not able to help me tell the rest of the family. He said that people choose to be gay, etc. I asked him to be there when I tell our parents. He looked at me and said "You can wait for Skippy to jump off the peanut butter jar if you think I am going to pretend that any gay people are normal, especially you." He also added that idiotic comment about Adam and Steve.
We didn't talk much on the way back home, but he did say that he would never tell anyone about my "problem." I hasten to say that the things he told me about his girlfriend were not repeatable or very respectful.
So, what do you suggest that I do?
Dear Gay Teen,
I am really sorry that your brother has acted like such a jerk. At some future time he may come to his senses and realize how destructive he has been. For now, don't bring up the subject unless you think your mom or dad would react well to this revelation. You should be graduating from high school soon and you will probably be off to college or making some kind of life for yourself.
In the meantime I suggest that you find a school counselor or teacher or a clergyman or clergywoman to speak with freely. You can also go on You Tube and type in "It Gets Better" or "Gay Coming Out Stories." You will see that some way things will get better.
You might also log onto: www.glbtofhunterdoncountyofnj.com.
You will find video resources and meetings which deal with situations just like yours. Hopefully, you live close enough to attend their meetings for lgbt people your age.
Let me know how it goes. I am betting it will be fabulous!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have had a very bad year. My mother died after a long battle with cancer. Prior to that my boyfriend (who I still love beyond words) broke up with me because I never had time for him. I was too busy caring for my mom and worrying about the future for me and for the world. Jehovah's Witnesses even came to the door and I invited them in to explain their belief that the world is going to end very soon-- something I found extremely hopeful at the time.
When I broke up with my boyfriend (really, my lover) I was not expecting to be abandoned by most of my friends. Actually, only a handful even came to my mom's funeral. The rest had felt they had to take sides and choose one of us over the other. My "Mr. Wonderful" was picked because he was always around for parties and road trips and cruising. I was tending to mom's needs, and even now I know that I would not have been able to do anything but that. In case you were wondering, my dad was never much of a father or husband and he left us completely when mom could no longer meet all of his needs.
I'm telling you all of this because there were times I would have liked to talk with you (or with anyone who would listen) to cheer me me up or maybe encourage me. I didn't know anyone to call, and there were times when I thought about ending it all. I no longer have thoughts like that, but I do wonder if I could have spoken to anyone.when those thoughts were racing through my mind.
On the Rebound
Hi, On the Rebound,
I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better and seeing things more clearly. You did go through a great deal. Had you written to me, I'm not sure if the response time would have been too helpful.
If anyone has thoughts of suicide and plans to act on these thoughts, you should call 9-1-1 where you will be taken to a hospital where your safety can be guarded and professionals can help you.
OTHERWISE: There is a national phone line with THE TREVOR PROJECT which is staffed 24 hours a day and will talk with you for as long as you wish. It is staffed by LGBTQ volunteers and mental health professionals and is free to everyone.
THE TREVOR PROJECT 1-866-7386 (This is a national free number).
Finally, if you might want to talk to another gay man you can call the phone number for Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays of North Jersey at 1-908-300-4227. You will always get a recording (this is to protect the group from whack-a-do people). Say that you would like to talk to another gay person and you will receive a call back from one. This would be a place to ask questions without being judged and to share any problems you're having.
All the best,
Hi, Cousin Butchie!
I am 21 y.o. and very comfortable and proud to be a gay young man most of the time. Around the holidays things aren't so happy and gay. I am invited to dinner with my family, but amidst all of the conversation and chatter, I realize that I am expected NOT to mention anything about myself as a gay person. They know but this subject is not welcome. This hurts because there are so many things I would like to openly share with them. I guess this is better than what happens to some of my friends who are not welcome in their parents' homes at all.
Do you think all of these parents have any justification for this kind of pathetic treatment of their children?
GAY AND DISTANCED
Hey, Gay and Distanced,
Obviously, I find the conduct of these parents to be horrendous. We might like to believe we have made great progress in acceptance of LGBT people, but some families are very slow to accept their kids (at whatever age). Not welcoming any discussion of your life is hurtful, but it still is better than the way some of your friends have not been invited to any family celebration.
I just realized that the gay composer/singer Tom Goss has written a song titled "Gay Christmas." Please watch and listen to it at www.tomgossmusic.com. Tom writes about many of the issues and problems we face as LGBT people. After you listen to "Gay Christmas" you might decide to have a potluck type of holiday celebration with all of your friends who have not be invited home. In many ways we often must form our own families. My suggestion is for you to spend some time with your parents and then make a quick exit to join your friends.
Re: Tom Goss
IMO he isn't the most talented performer in the world, but he writes and sings songs which capture experiences we cannot count on hearing from straight performers. Just about every day we hear some negativism about US and it's nice to have a talented P.L.U. (Person Like Us) bringing problems to the surface with his music.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S, I've been wondering if anyone reads this blog/column. I would very much appreciate it if you would send a brief comment letting me know that you are reading what is printed here. Merely sending your initials would give me a count on what audience exists out there. Uncle RJ feels the same need for a head count.
Thanks....and Happy Holidays, no matter what holiday it is for you!
Hey Cousin Butchie,
I have found a man who I am certain is going to be my husband for all time. I know he has told me he feels the same way, and we have shared a great deal about our lives and our families. In fact, our parents have all met, and there is no problem with any of them. I think my mother will be happy to see me get an apartment so she doesn't have to worry about cooking for me, doing my laundry, and generally "guiding" my life. My dad will miss me only because mom will have more time to nudge him. (L.O.L.).
The question is how and if I should tell my husband to be that I have been intimate with a girl a few years ago. It was part of a fraternity party gone wild. Do I tell him or keep my trap shut?
Dear Been There,
I don't see any reason you would need to mention this to your future husband. I don't know how many gay dudes have been in your situation, but I suspect there are more than a few. To me, I would have considered it drunken experimentation. The only caveat here is if you are still sexually attracted to women. In this case, it is certainly not uncommon, but it is something you must tell your boyfriend before you commit to each other. If bisexuality is part of who a dude is--he needs definitely to tell his intended life partner before a decision is made final on the marriage.
P.S. Also be sure to mention that your mother washes your clothes. That might real be the deal breaker if you expect your boyfriend to continue the practice.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I really have no other person to answer this question for me.
I am 16 and my b/f is 19. We've dated off and on for about eighteen months. I love him, but he has just told me something which has made my world implode. In short, he is HIV Positive. We have never had unsafe sex, but I still feel that he should have told me this long ago. I wonder if I am "safe" and I wonder how far our relationship could go. I don't want to be a widower at 20. In every other way I love this guy, but my trust has suffered from this revelation, and I don't have any idea where it can go next. Can you help me?
First of all, I can only offer my opinions and suggestions. What I write is not medical advice.
From my point of view, I know that HIV is not the death sentence it once was for most people. With many new and effective meds on the market, doctors can assure an HIV person of a normal life span. The most important factor is the HIV Positive dude's VIRAL LOAD. When the viral load is undetectable, he cannot transmit the virus to another person. By the same token, you need to be assured that he is not putting himself at risk of hooking up with someone else who is positive and has a detectable viral load. In other words, you need to have a very serious discussion with your b/f and both of you need to promise each other not to mess around with anyone else. You either establish this trust or your relationship will never survive. Promiscuity is totally out of the question for both of you.
In the community of gay men, HIV Positive men are still viewed as having a stigma. It's caused by memories of this pandemic in the past and lack of knowledge of what the infectious disease doctors teach now.
If you both want a confidential and free HIV test, there are several hospitals offering this service. One of RWJ Barnabas Somerset (Somerville) in their PROUD PROGRAM. Another is at Morristown Memorial Hospital.
For your peace of mind and to put your relationship of an honest and true level, both of you should be tested. It is the only way to ease your mind, no matter what Cousin Butchie writes!
If you love each other enough, I think you will do it. If you don't, it would be difficult for me to see how a real relationship will endure.
Good luck... and I'll close this with an LOL-- meaning LOTS OF LOVE!!!!
Yo, Cousin Butchie!
My friends and I read your column. Sometimes we're good on you, and other times we find your advice to be spot on.
So... What in the name of God has caused you to be silent about "President" Donald Trump, his policies, actions, and comments?
We really would like to hear your thoughts on this man-- unless you are one of his fans, in which case you may just ignore this letter.
-Aggravated Group of Gay Guys
Dearest Aggravated Group of Gay Guys,
I apologize for what you perceive as my failure to comment on Donald Trump. I swear to you that I find him an embarrassing, crude, narcissistic, volatile and outright scary "leader." I have never heard a man who uses so many words like "greatest" and "truly...." etc. I have no confidence in him, and I certainly have no respect for his plans to "make America great again."
I will say that I might have replied to any issue concerning this man if you had written a message about it. IN MY MIND, MERELY MAKING MY OWN OPINIONS KNOWN WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE 'PREACHING TO THE CHOIR."
CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG... but I don't know of any LGBT person who supports Trump.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
School starts next week, and the three of us have been arguing about something for months, even back into our sophomore year.
My two friends and I are gay, but not exactly out. Oh, we're out to each other, but no one else in school would ever guess. In fact, we were surprised when we learned about each other-- and we are best friends.
We have a teacher at school who is a real "woof." He is gorgeous, athletic, hot, dresses really well, never mentions a girlfriend. He is also a swimming team coach so we have seen a lot of him, if you get my drift.
This summer we were walking around in Greenwich Village and we saw him come out of a gay bar alone. We were surprised and stunned, but we rejected the idea of running up to him and saying anything. After all, none of us are the legal age to drink.
We would like to out him and do him a favor. We know how difficult it was to live in the closet. Each one of us is in at least one of his classes. We also belong to the swim team. We also fantasize about him a great deal. In essence, he is the totally perfect Mr. Right.
Don't you think that if we outed him it would be a big load off his mind?
Manny, Moe & Jack
Dear Pep Boys,
I can understand how you feel about this teacher. I think most guys have had the same type of teacher during their school years. Having said that, I strongly advise you NOT to out this man. I repeat-- DO NOT OUT THIS MAN.
Since the three of you have not come out yourselves, it's strange that you want the teacher to do so. Be cool around him. Make him realize that you're decent guys and leave it at that.
Don't give up hope. After you graduate you might meet him somewhere and start talking about your experience of being gay. He will choose to reveal himself or clam up. This is his right. This would be as good a time as any to mention where you saw him in the Village.
Although I doubt it, this might be a time when he is surprised to find out you are gay.
Yo Cousin Butchie!
I am 16 y.o. and I came out to my parents six months ago. It was not a wonderful scene as we argued back and forth about my life. I was told that I was doing this to aggravate them- that I am condemned by society and most faiths- that I was being a very bad influence on my siblings. To show how irrational they became, they also said that they didn't know how I could possibly be a good baseball and soccer player.
I was forced to agree to see a shrink. They made an appointment for me with an Indian psychiatrist who doesn't speak English too well and gives me a pep talk on changing my same-sex attraction and about my unnatural desires. The sessions are about fifteen minutes and I leave with a prescription for an anti-psychotic drug. My parents don't know that I never take it. I dump them down the toilet.o Oe by one at the usual dose times.
I have boyfriends but no one serious at this point in my life. I feel abandoned. The fact that I am rejected by this whack-a-do Pyschiatrist and by my parents is distressing.
You are not seeing the right doctor, and I think you realize the need to change. The keys to recognizing and incompetent psychiatrist are:
They don't comprehend that the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association have removed GLBT people from their list of people with intrinsic disorders. They will sometimes suggest reparative therapy which is another failing approach. When these doctors talk to you they use terms like "same-sex attraction" and "homosexuality/homosexual" and they never use the LGBT/GLBT identifiers. Add a Q onto the identifiers and they get nasty. Giving you anti-psychotic drugs seems to be not acting in your best interests.
There are several groups which fraudulently claim "cures" among their patients. They have never been proven correct. Courage (and EnCourage for the parents) is a group for Christian gay people and their parents. The Jewish equivalent is called JONAH and has the same unethical and damaging ways to attempt a transformation to heterosexual.
I would suggest that you attend a meeting of PFLAG- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays for initial support. Then invite your parents to a meeting where there will be parents who will listen and offer positive answers.
School starts soon, and I suggest you find a guidance counselor in whom you can confide. Ask him to help you come to terms with your parents. He/she may even arrange a meeting with a legitimate psych professional who can offer your family guidance.
Let me know if you need specific times and locations of meetings... and one chapter has a gay male facilitator who can and will "speak" with you in person or online.
Let me know how it goes.
Dear Uncle RJ,
What is it like to be an older gay man living in our society? I have had a good number of partners while looking for Mr. Right, and only a few have come close to what I seek, but they didn't come close enough.
Are all gay couples rich, well educated, dressing only in designer clothes, etc.? You get my point.
I am mostly concerned about living my last years single and lonely and unloved.
In your opinion, should I decide to settle for a fairly acceptable man who doesn't meet all of my criteria?
Older and Lonely
Dear Older and Lonely,
You have pretty much answered your own question. When we set our sights too high and expect someone else to fit that image perfectly we are setting ourselves up for disaster.
I suggested that you take a good look at yourself and consider why your standards are so high. If you've expected to fall in love with a man who meets all of your criteria, I can almost assure you that there will be something you failed to consider-- and the relationship will be over.
I have many friends who are in seemingly good relationships, but they are never perfect. Several make me wonder how they ever hitched up at all. Why not alter some of those self-centered expectations and see if YOU have anything to offer another man.
The alternative is to live an old(er) age alone, and this is very difficult for many men. On the other hand, even in a relationship (gay,bi, straight), one partner is going to survive the other and probably have a rather lonely life after that.
When you meet someone you basically like, try using some unconditional love for his shortcomings-- and hope he will do the same with you.
Hello Faithful Readers,
This is Cousin Butchie. Over the past few months, there have been some questions sent my way and I have felt that they could be better answered by my elderly Uncle RJ. It's not that I can't answer these questions. It's rather I believe that someone who has been gay longer than I've been alive might have a much better understanding of the questions and the people who are presenting them.
So... here goes... I introduce Uncle RJ who is proud to have me for a nephew...
Dear Uncle RJ,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write to an older person like myself. My son is gay and his father and I have taken all of the steps necessary to be accepting and understanding. I guess that we are not only parents but allies as well.
This year we attended the NYC Gay Pride March. It seemed like something which would increase our bonding with the LGBT community, and our son was thrilled that we were planning to be there. We marched with PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and our son marched with a group of Catholic LGBT people from Catholic parish groups in the area which have supportive ministries. In NJ there are two that we know of-- one entitled "In God's Image" from Sacred Heart Church in South Plainfield and the other Most Precious Blood in Monmouth Beach. Various NY groups either marched with them or with their own respective parish groups. It was a joy to see these LGBT people who live in the realization that Pope Francis has made some wonderful inroads in appointing leaders who are welcoming to the LGBT Catholics. We were told that ten years ago, NJ would never have had such a place in the march, but they would probably be associated with DIGNITY. a group of people who paved the way for the progress we have started to see. WE OWE THEM ENORMOUS THANKS FOR PAVING THE WAY AND KEEPING MOST OF ITS MEMBERS IN AN UNWELCOMING AND UNLOVING INSTITUTION.
Okay, my husband has been watching me type and has told me to get to the point. That point is something we have not been easily able to ask our son or his friends.
What we saw at our first march was somewhat shocking and disconcerting. There were marchers dressed in so little clothing that very little was left to the imagination. There were lesbian motorcyclists in very abbreviated "tops" and others who appeared to be men. Then there were the boys and men on floats waiving to the crowds. They wore shorts which showed a great deal of the male anatomy. Others wore clown outfits and were balanced by the NY Gay Firefighters, the NY Gay Officers League and the politicians from NY made their appearances. It seemed like a fun event.
This was the first year that the entire parade was televised, however I understand they had a slight time delay so that they wouldn't show some of the oddities or anything considered indecent.
More than a few co-workers told me they saw the march on television. I let them criticize the things they disliked, but I truly agreed with them. Is this the kind of image the LGBT people want to send to the entire country? I see no reason for the extreme explosion of flesh and some of the antics on some of the floats.
Why is this necessary? Am I supposed to support it because my son is gay?
You certainly put a lot into one letter so I am not surprised that Cousin Butchie passed this to me.
The way people act at the gay pride marches/parades is often a shock to the spectators seeing it for the first time. I don't blame you for your reactions. You were seeing people conduct themselves in a different way than you had expected or even thought possible. However there is a fairly good reason for this.
In New York, going back to the first gay pride march in 1970, there has always been a major threat to gay rights existing in our country. It was a time when lgbt people had almost no rights. The legal system had not been accepting, the politicians were slow to help improve our civil rights. Then we faced the pandemic of the aids crisis which was killing thousands of our young and older gay men as the government was ignoring the health crisis for so long that those people suffering the ravages of aids had to form their own organizations and outreach groups to make an attempt to nurse our own sick brothers and sisters... as the nation seemed blind to what was happening.
Slowly, far too slowly for so many, the nation started paying attention to the need to help the sick and find medications to stop the virus in its tracks--- and to educate the younger people to avoid further contamination and death.
So... We now have a background which explains why lgbt people so often act the way they do at the pride marches. The way I see it is as a devil may care spirit of celebration of the progress we have made so far as a people free to love in the way we choose to live and love as we were created-- in god's image as is the name of the lgbt faith-sharing group in South Plainfield.
It is also important, I believe, to look at the major setbacks of all peoples' rights by President Trump. Many of his policies and damned tweets make it clear that one man acts capable of threatening our progress, our rights, our lives... And it's not just the lgbt people.
One day a year when some lgbt brothers and sisters express themselves with joy and actions which get the attention of the people and the press show a liberation and cause for celebration themselves--spirit, mind and body.
Uncle RJ will answer a few more questions during the next few days.
Until then, stay cool in all ways!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
My brother and I are both gay. I'm three years older than he is, but we came out at the same time. Our parents were stunned at first. You know, they never suspected, etc. Now they are very accepting and are even marching in the NY Pride Parade with PFLAG.
The problem is my younger brother just graduated from high school and is going to a local college in the fall. For the past two plus months he has been dating a dude who doesn't have the best reputation. One of my friends told me that my brother is seeing this dude. (Although we always share a lot with each other, he chose not to tell me about the new dude).
I did a little investigating on my own, and I can tell you with certainty that this dude is a player who is totally promiscuous and irresponsible. The younger boys/men who date him find him attractive and they pay for any cost of their dates. How this dude can keep track of all of his dates is a mystery. He has, I am told, bragged about his "conquests." He also talks about PNP which means Party & Play.
Do I tell my brother what I know... from start to finish about this dude? I love my brother and I don't want his heart broken, no do I want him to get some disease from this guy. I also want to make sure this pariah doesn't seduce him with alcohol and drugs which is the meaning of "Play."
My suggestion is that you invite your brother to go with you to lunch or a drive... even go to NY and take a Circle Line Cruise. Start the conversation by telling him that you heard about the dude he's been dating. Ask about his feelings and reasons he goes with him. Then tell him the facts (only the facts) you have heard about this dude. Tell your brother that you don't want to see him hurt, and make sure you emphasize that there are plenty more good men to date.
Whether he ends the "friendship" depends on how much he believes what you tell him. He could tell you he will break it up and continue behind your back. When he's in college, even locally, you won't know as much about his social life as you now know.
After you tell him how you feel and that you hope he will make a wise choice about this dude, tell him that IF AND WHEN THE FRIENDSHIP GOES VERY WRONG, YOU WILL BE RIGHT THERE TO HELP HIM SORT IT ALL OUT.
A few friends and I were discussing a problem which still exists in the gay and lesbian community. We all are beyond bothered by the way people think that the transgender people (who have come out of nowhere) are suddenly identified with normal gay and lesbian people. We already went through the problems of growing up and deciding with lots of fear and trembling to come out of the closet. This transgender hype throws us back into a closet of fear that people are thinking that we are possibly transgender. I don't mean to be prejudice or stupid about this situation, but we are living it and it's not fair.
Hey, Not Stupid!
In my humble opinion, you are stupid! Perhaps that's insulting to you, but I believe your comments are insensitive and not well researched.
A blog posting before mine by Simone illustrated her experience of prejudice on two levels-- as an African-American woman and as a lesbian. You might go back and read what she has to say.
IMO... In some places and situations there is a greater acceptance of lesbian and gay people, and possibly a better understanding of bisexual people. However the entire awareness of the presence of transgender people has arisen rather quickly. Be that as it may, THEY ARE PART OF OUR COMMUNITY. We have used LGBT (occasionally GLBT) as a description of our community for many years now.
No one is asking you or your friends to date transgender people, but giving them the kind of respect that you cherish is more seriously owed to these brothers and sisters. Some may forget the need for protest marches and demonstrations and the fight for marriage rights. These transgender people are worth our love and listening and compassion. Their journeys have definitely been more difficult than most of ours.
I will say that I needed to take a little time to study the entire background and meaning of the transgender men and women. I was able to understand about 80% at that time. Then I met several transgender people and their stories were inspiring and often very sad because they reminded me of the stories I have heard about the horrible treatment we all received prior to Stonewall and for years to some.
In the present political climate, we don't know exactly how much of our rights and protections will be supported by the Trump Regime. It's time to place the love of our brothers and sisters beyond our sexual attraction to them. We have no excuse to refuse them their proper place in our LGBT community.
P.S.-I realize that I left the "Q" (and other letters) off the LGBT identification. If anyone cares to discuss that, write to me here.
P.P.S.-I have just read that there are 1.25 million transgender people of all ages in the United Sates. How painfully long they remained anonymous is a very somber thought.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am very scared right now, and none of my friends let me talk about it. As soon as I lead into a discussion, they tune me out.
Here's what happened. My parents weren't home and I answered the door for two of Jehovah's Witnesses. They were pleasant enough and the one dude was a fox. I let them come in and they told me that the Bible points to the fact that the world will end very soon. They had all kinds of passages which scared me because I haven't really read the Bible. They left some literature and asked if they could come back and do a Bible study with me.
Some of the things which make me believe them are President Trump, ISIS, all types of violence. Lest I forget-- they also told me that LGBTQ people are part of the immorality and sin which fill the world and will contribute to its destruction.
Hi, Soo Scared!
According to most major religions the end of the world (apocalypse/ armagedon) is going to happen sooner or later. It is the intensity and credibility of their reasoning which must be considered. In the sects like Jehovah's Witnesses and the Evangelicals people have been predicting the end of the world as we know it at various times. Some followed misguided "prophets" and stopped paying mortgages and rents, bought very little food, and home schooled their children so they were always close to their families.
Uncle RJ has told me about countless dates that the JW's have predicted. When those dates came and went, they just claimed to have miscalculated or misunderstood the doomsday date. Some Roman Catholics believed that 1960 was going to be the last year based on the claimed "apparitions" of three children in Fatima, Portugal in 1917. There was a letter the surviving child gave to the pope at the time and told him that Mary didn't want to have it read to the people until 1960. According to some people, several popes have read the letter and fainted (how credible is that?) I know that the Jewish people await the coming of the Messiah, but I'm not familiar with any who believe this will occur at any specific time.
As for the immorality of the LGBTQ community-- Could we expect to be excluded from the "prophetic zealots"? We have been blamed for so much throughout the years. Few of us even recall the fact that the Nazis had a special part of their death camps for gay people and made them wear a pink triangle on their prison clothes so they would be singled out for even worse tortures than others. Take some time and read about the way A.I.D.S. was/is considered by many ignorant people to be God's punishment for gay men. Of course, they never consider the straight people who were drug users or the babies of mothers with the A.I.D.S. virus (H.I.V.).
Having written all that, I also am very much afraid of Donald Trump. I am also very concerned about the Islamic terrorists, the violence in our big cities, the immorality of some of our better known Americans, et al. In most respects Congress can keep him sane.
Dude, live your life as the best gay person you can be. Be kind and loving with your family, your friends and people in general. If you believe in God pray to that God. At this time, the best petition would be the seeking of peace of mind. You might also be positive in your actions and words. If you go to a church or temple which often speaks against homosexuality and sodomy let it go in one ear and out the other OR change to one of the LGBTQ affirming congregations all over the country.
Realizing that this response to your question might have missed the mark on some issues, PLEASE take a few minutes and reply to state your feelings and beliefs.
In the meantime, Uncle RJ and I wish you a Happy Passover and a Happy Easter and for some, just a joyful holiday week or two.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I don't know if it was right to search my son's emails and everything else on his computer, but I have been going crazy about his possible homosexuality. I have read more than any mother should, but I did discover your website, and I hope it is okay for me to ask some questions.
My son is 17 years old and I know he is gay. He didn't tell me, but the emails and my observations about his demeanor and the friends he brings to the house have confirmed my suspicions. I hate to add this, but one of the emails was a love letter-- the kind a boy writes to a girl. Can you help me?
Yes, I can give you some advice and a resource which will definitely help you.
My first inclination was to express some outrage at your cyber-spying on your son. However it's already been done, so let's go on from there.
Your son is gay and he would probably like to come out to you and his father if he believed that you would be understanding and supportive. This is the basic reason that many LGBT people don't come out.
My advice in your situation is NOT as important as the support you need from other parents. There is a very experienced and dedicated group of parents and others who meet once a month to discuss their journeys with their LGBT children. It is PARENTS, FAMILIES & FRIENDS OF LESBIANS AND GAYS OF NORTH JERSEY. Your closest meeting is held on the second Thursday of each month at Christ Episcopal Church at 74 Park Avenue in Glen Ridge. You enter at the rear door. Time is 7:30-9 PM.
At these meetings you will have the opportunity to listen to the experiences of other parents and you can either ask questions or just listen. It is also a good idea to exchange phone numbers with a member with whom you feel there is a connection. You may also call the Helpline at 908-300-4227. Randy will give you as much time you need. All you need to do is leave your name and number with a brief message. All of the calls go to voice mail to avoid some unpleasant calls we've had before. We follow the NY City chapter in accepting messages first.
At some point, you are welcome to bring your son if you both wish to come.
You have started to take a very important first step in accepting and loving your son for the person he is. The group (for short) is called P-FLAG. You will not be sorry you attended.
Let me know how things go!
Hello, Wonderful Readers...
I am not answering your question(s) in this post.
Rather, I want to remind everyone to watch Dateline on Channel 4 on Friday, March 10th from 9-11PM.
The program will deal with the horrendous harm caused by people who think that LGBT people can be changed by reparative therapy. This practice has been condemned by all mental health professionals. Our beloved Governor Christie has also outlawed this travesty in New Jersey.
Last week, there was a fairly good mini-series called "When We Rise" covering the history of the LGBT's history of facing considerable hardships and discrimination in their attempts to give us the freedoms we have today. If it's repeated, I'll post a message. Although there were many commercials and some loose ends, these four programs told the stories of what they did FOR US... much of which is forgotten today. Very likely, we will all need to keep very much on the ball during this unexpected Trump-Pence Administration.
Also... at your request, I will try to do an interview with Uncle RJ. Can't promise when, but chocolate bunnies get him revved up, so I'll try that.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I think we might know each other at school, but I'm not sure and I would rather write to you anyway.
My boyfriend has been doing some strange things lately and I'm very confused by what's going on.
For example, I went to kiss him a few days ago and he blurts out "Not until you shave that facial hair." This has never been a problem before. He has even told me how much he likes that scraggly look. The next day he picked me up for a date and told me that he wasn't going unless I changed my shirt because it looked just like his. In the past, there were always calls and texts from him during the day, and everything seemed cool. He has also cancelled two dates at the last minute, and this has never happened before.
What would you suggest?
Only you can judge what's happening between the two of you, but it will take a serious at the table conversation to both speak truthfully about what issues are threatening your relationship. Be willing to admit any shortcomings you have and tell him what's bothering you about his behavior.
Nothing really works with less success than a relationship in which there are petty remarks and some inner hostility. OR your boyfriend may have found someone else. It's a downer, but it happens. Have the talk and see what the real issues are. If you both agree to change a little, it will probably work out.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am at my wit's end, and I have no idea how I can solve the mess I'm in. I also have a certain degree of guilt about feeling this way.
When my father passed away five years ago he made all of us (six children) promise that we would never put our mother in a nursing home. At that time, she was in good health but depended on me for some errands and bill paying. I am the youngest of the six and I am gay. I graduated from college and immediately got a great job-- interesting and financially over the top.
Our mother slowly began to develop signs of dementia. We all chose to ignore it in the beginning, and my siblings felt that things were under control because I still lived with her and gave her the help she needed. As the symptoms of the disease became dangerous (leaving water to run as the tub overflowed, starting to cook something and walking away until the smoke alarm went off. Mom would also become angry and break things. She also could never remember my name, and she always asked me to take her home. Since she was home, she became agitated.
I finally resigned from my job when I realized that none of my five siblings were willing to help out. I could not even get one of them to stay with mom while I went on a date or to a meeting. They all explained to me that they have families and very responsible and well paying jobs. They were very pleased when I quit my job, and they phone every so often, but they tell me that our mom liked me best (a la The Smothers Brothers) and that I had no expenses (or social lie) since I am gay and unattached. There is a part of me that tells me that I "owe" this to our mom. On the other hand, I realize that my career has been destroyed for the time being, and my own finances are precarious.
Please-- if you have a solution for this problem, share it with me. I am going crazy.
At My Wit's End
Hi, "At My Wit"s End,"
I have heard about situations similar to yours. It often becomes a problem dumped on the child who is LGBT and the siblings provide nothing-- except for suggestions on how much more or how much better the caregiver should be doing.
Here's a plan I suggest:
Find someone to stay with your mother for a few hours, and demand that all of your siblings and their significant others meet with you to discuss a serious problem.
When they have all gathered, explain to them that you feel very burdened being your mom's caregiver. Explain that they have ignored the fact that you have no social life and no job any longer. Next, ask them what your dad meant when he asked them to never put our mom in a nursing home. Did he mean that just one of them (you) should accept this huge responsibility?
Give them all a copy of the salary you were earning in your last job. Also tell them the cost of a nursing home until mom's money runs out. Also factor in the charge for a visiting nurse to care for the personal care you cannot provide. Give them several days to think it over and come up with a payment for you each month which will represent the money you are not earning, the health insurance you need for yourself, etc.
If your brothers and sisters refuse to cooperate and come up with a more than generous amount you are to be paid each month, call the county office of Health and Human Services and have a case worker step in to solve this entire situation. AND don't let any of your siblings make you feel guilty or evil or uncooperative.
Also explain that your mom will be better cared for in a decent nursing home and make sure you tell them that your dad's requested promise could not have made with dementia involved.
It's hard to say, but you are the only one who can turn the wheels of responsibility for your entire family! Don't put your career on hold much longer. Some prospective employers might be impressed by your story of dedication, but they would probably be more interested in how you pressured for a change in this entire dilemma.
Dear Cousin Butchie and Uncle RJ,
I hope it's okay to write to the both of you at one time. I need all of the encouragement and positivity I can get, and I assume I am not the only one.
I read that this is the first time in 40 years that both Christians and Jews are celebrating holy days at the same basic time. Is this an omen? I also have some friends who showed me the prophecies of Saint Malachy which point to Pope Francis as the last pope before the end of the world.
I am bummed out and depressed. I am scared to death of Donald Trump and the Cabinet of Deplorables he has chosen. I had always hoped to marry an awesome dude and adopt a few kids. Now I don't know if there will be any possibility of doing this. The end may have already wiped us out.
I would be a liar if I didn't admit that I am not feeling very good about Donald Trump and his chosen cabinet members. It was the first time I could vote, and my candidate lost in a very confusing disparity of the popular vote and the Electoral College voting.
Since Uncle RJ has been around for many years, I'm asking him to share his thoughts with us.
Hi Dan and Butchie and Readers,
There is no doubt that anxiety is running high for many people this holiday/holy day season. We have the terrorist attacks which threaten to occur at almost any place we can imagine. We also have President-elect Donald Trump who doesn't exactly inspire trust and credibility. The people he has chosen for his Cabinet are also fairly questionable. ISIS is continuing its campaign to threaten the existence of happiness and security Americans (and many others) have cherished for so long.
Now, let's look at the other viewpoints. Hillary Clinton, whom I voted for without a second thought. However there have been more than a few reasons to not trust her. In all honesty, I would be more comfortable if she had won the election in totality.
The people who warn others that the world is ending are not to be believed. Jehovah's Witnesses have set a specific date for the Battle of Armageddon and all of these dates have passed without any calamity. The prophecies of Saint Malachy are not believed by Catholic scholars and theologians. The "warnings" are always identifying a pope with a phrase or word which could be credited to almost anyone.
The theme of many sacred books is BE NOT AFRAID. We need to live the best lives we can and not let the doomsday people depress us. There is certainly enough to deal with in society as LGBTQ people. I suggest that we all start taking better care of our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community.
How can we care for them better? Do you know of anyone who is not welcome at a family gathering at this time a year or any other time? Do you know an older LGBT person who lives alone or is the survivor of a relationship? Instead of making any of our brothers and sisters invisible, we can remember them as best we can. Invite them for dinner. Buy them a present. Visit one who is in a nursing home. We can also take the time to listen to our LGBT youth who aren't sure that being different is a positive thing.
Butchie and I wish all of you a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Happy Kwanzaa.... Our future will be as happy and safe as we work to make it.
If there is anyone who feels totally depressed and losing it, there is a 24/7 helpline you can call at:
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I am 17 years old and I tried to come out to my family on Thanksgiving at dinner. Since I've been reading your blogs that kept nagging at my psyche to come out once and for all. It would be over and, usually in time, my family would be supportive.
Well, Mr. Butchie (Know-It-All), this is what happened yesterday.
My Italian family always eats Thanksgiving for four hours, and my mom said that I could invite a friend. I figured she must have assumed that Chris (my friend) is straight.
Being gay, we arrived fashionably late by 50 minutes. We sat down with the family and started to eat. Mom announced that she was divorcing dad unless things improved in their bedroom. I started to speak and my little brother stopped everything by saying that we had not said grace. All the utensils were put down and the prayer began. When it was over my sister barked out that she didn't know why we said grace only one day a year. Mom acted embarrassed. As I was eating my stuffing my other sister cleared her throat and announced that she is four months pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. Everyone hugged her and she cried as the food got cold. My BFF kicked me under the table to let me know that we should follow that drama with our coming out announcement. I said that I had something very important I needed to tell everyone at one time, and this was the ideal time. Some of them must have thought I was going to say that I finally passed my geometry class after taking it for two years. I smiled and said that my announcement would be difficult so I would appreciate some real attention. I looked at everyone at the table and then said that I had discovered something about myself and could no longer remain silent with those I love. My father broke in and asked if I was smoking or maybe I had a huge tattoo on my back. I continued, at this point realizing that the plan in my mind was going nowhere. So, I said "I want all of you to know that I am gay and that I have been gay for as long as I can remember." There was total silence until my grandmother said that there's nothing wrong with being happy. Someone whispered the big secret in her ear, and with a rosary in her hand, grandma fainted. She recovered very soon and asked me if I had discussed this with my cousin, Father Bruno. I could not blow Father Bruno's cover by saying that he was not shocked and decided to take me on a vacation with him for a week. The details of that weekend are probably in sealed records in the Vatican.
In addition, moronic Cousin Father Bruno fudged things by stupidly saying that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. My BFF asked who did create Steve? BFF said that if Adam and Eve were the parents of Cain and Abel, with whom did they fornicate to start the human family! My Italian-Catholic parents had no idea what was going on. They go to church but read the bulletin and also watch the clothing of the people going to communion. You don't want to hear mom's feelings on dressing like Southern Baptists when we go to Mass.
We had reached the three hour mark in the banquet, and everyone talked about the football game and Donald Trump. Under the table I found my BFF's hand was near my knee. Grabbing his hand in mine calmed me down.
Butchie, I am not sure about what will happen next... but I will keep you informed.
Thanks for everything... L.O.L.
I am honored that you found my blogs inspiring enough to make the decision to come out, but you didn't ask me all the right questions... and you didn't really read my answers to dudes thinking about coming out.
I have always suggested that the big talk not be held with more than your parents (and possibly siblings). Thanksgiving wasn't too swift, but I do recall a dude who was planning to make this coming out speech on Mother's Day! To what end?
What's done is done, and I expect some details about how things progress. In my opinion, there are lots explanations to cover with the family. Since it takes us so long to get the courage to come out, don't expect your parents and family to suddenly start waving rainbow flags.
Coming out on Thanksgiving... and to so many family members present, was not the best move. But it's done. For awhile they may not even mention your orientation, but sooner than later they will. Have a list of new library books for them to read. Also locate the closest monthly meeting of P-FLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
Take things very slowly since you're still in high school. Also, remember that some parents refuse to pay college tuition for a gay son or daughter.
To lighten this up just a little, I was reading a book by gay comedian, Bob Smith. He writes that he was thinking about coming out on a holiday and wasn't even thinking when he said "Mom, please pass the potatoes to a homosexual." She immediately gave them to Bob's father! Go figure!
Dexter, if you need more advice, please ask for it. Quite possibly you might be asking me to be best man at your wedding!
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I looked forward to this month's election because it was the first time I have ever been old enough to vote. My hopes and dreams were shattered when Hillary Clinton won the popular vote but lost the electoral vote to Donald Trump. During the debates I thought this man was both rude and ill-informed.
Now, some of my friends and I are more than depressed. No one has fully explained how Hillary Clinton could have had one million more votes and was still defeated.
I share your pain and disappointment. I'm not sure where it appeared but there was one picture of a gay couple with signs endorsing Trump.
I have met people who said they were voting for Trump. Heterosexual people (both Democrats and Republicans) tried to say that the LGBTQ residents in the United States would be treated fairly by Trump. Some also continued their eight year mission to derail anything President Obama tried to accomplish. I don't know when Hillary Clinton first expressed her approval for LGBTQ marriage. She wasn't the first supporter but she did go on to create an example others followed.
Your Cousin Butchie (moi) hopes, even prays, that we have a safe and peaceful four years with Trump. Possibly he will have a positive influence on all of us in the United Sates and those abroad.
We now await the agonizing speculation about who will be in the new Cabinet and on the Supreme Court.
I was talking to Uncle RJ about this entire situation, and he said that we have survived worse possibilities with our elected Presidents. When I asked him to name a few he shut up like a clam. But he did say something sensible. Most of us (LGBTQ people) have concentrated a great deal on same sex marriage but that many of us have not shown much solidarity in working with each other with respect and even some loving support. Uncle RJ has told me many times how lesbians stepped forward and cared for gay men with AIDS long before lifesaving anti-viral medications were developed.
Maybe we can get over some of the attitude and divisions we ourselves have created in the LGBTQ community.
In the meantime, I was initially impressed by the protestors against Trump in so many cities, near and far, but there is no way to turn back the clock.
As a Catholic (and obviously an extremely liberal one) I have been mortified by the way the hierarchy have banded together in a low key but definitive teaching that we should not elect anyone who is Pro-Choice. This has happened in total disregard for one of the first things Pope Francis has told us-- that we should pay less attention to the subjects of abortion and gay marriage and begin to work for the many social issues we have ignored for so long.
God willing, 2020 will arrive and we will do damage control.
I conclude by saying that I sincerely hope that I have been wrong and that America will become great again.
Hey, Cousin Butchie!
I wrote to you long ago about the best way to find a date and relationship or both. You advised me to be honest so that other guys looking for special friends would trust me once they met me. It made sense. Who wants to think he's meeting up with Nick Jonas and opening the door to find a dude who resembles Dracula only worse? I did the best I could with my posting, and it bombed in a big way. My intended date was really pleasant and sweet and also confused. I am going to ask you to help me re-write that posting.
No offense, but ask Uncle RJ to help you correct and improve my ad. I am writing the entire ad below so you can both work on it. I am kind of at my wits end.
Here's what I wrote:
Your ad attracted me because I feel I can be totally honest with you. I am 25 years old and kind of promiscuous. I am not as smart as most guys my age. They talk about graduating from college, but I was only successful in getting my G.E.D. after seven tries. It has not helped my job as a valet parking boy at a great restaurant (same pay, same threats of being fired). I work off hours.
"I am looking for that special man who has lots of money, lives in a penthouse or mansion and needs me in his life. Being seen with me will increase the admiration of total strangers. I am 25 years old and don't mind dating any rich men from 18-30. I am not like most of the guys who respond to this ad. I make very little money as the baked potato manager at Wendy's. I will soon recover my driving license which had been suspended on false charges.
I know that many men are only interested in hooking up-- and only judge another by his "stats." I am 5'5" 122 pounds, I used to let my sister dye my hair red but I'm back to brownish hair now. I also have a great deal of body paint, some of which you will only see if we are skinny dipping or naked for another reason. I am the oldest of six children. No one in my family knows that I am gay. Or maybe if they do suspect, but it's not mentioned.
I have a lot to offer you as your lover, and maybe your husband. So...tell me about yourself!"
Dear Honest Abe,
Uncle R.J. and I have discussed your message. Our first impressions were that you are either a friend putting us on OR a writer who is really in need of some common sense advice.
We are not going to re-write this ad for you. If we change most of the descriptions we could probably make you sound like the type of date any man would find compatible and a hopeful permanent boyfriend. The problem, Abe, is that he is going to meet you and decide that you have not been honest. If WE write this for you, we are not doing you a favor.
Here's a few honest ways to write the ad. Give it an honest try, and one of us will help you polish it up.
Ask these questions in the ad and be sure to give your own response as well.
- How old are you and what kind of work do you do?
- Have you dated much in the past?
- Tell the things you would bring to a relationship to make it better.
- What was the last movie you saw? What was the best book you've read in the past, or now?
- Do you drink? Do you smoke?
- Do you have any gay (or LGBT) friends?
- Do you like children? Would adopting one (or two) be workable for you?
- How long have you been out of the closet?
- Have you had a serious friendship in the past? How did it go?
- Tell me about how you would envision the "perfect" date?
Abe, respond to these suggestions and let us know if you want a private reply or if you will allow us to put it online.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I got myself into an internet mess. I went to a dating site and found a dude who was also going to be a freshman at the same college I would be at. I'm in NJ and he was still with his parents in Oregon. He explained to me that he was coming to NJ to start his "gay life" without explaining anything to his families and parents. We really seemed to hit it off online. We exchanged pictures, and we even talked on the phone discussing our values and everything two gay guys would talk about. We even arranged to be roomies.
That is the background.
Last month when I arrived at the school dorm, he had not arrived yet. We planned online to have dinner at a pricey restaurant. I thought it would be a good start. Wrong!!!
When I met JJ, he looked nothing like the picture he sent. He was wearing flip-flops and Bermuda shorts-- and his body was one enormous tattoo no matter where on his body I looked. He also smelled and had lots of unkempt facial hair.
He suggested that WE take a shower before going out for dinner. I agreed reluctantly. He was trying to get us to have some very intimate contact before dinner. I was able to put him off.
I have endured over three weeks living with him as my dorm mate. I have not allowed him to get intimate, and I find it crazy to try to speak to him. He then informed me that he had plans to bring home another dude and would appreciate it if I would vacate the room until 11 PM or later.
I don't want to get a reputation for being a pain in the ass, and I don't him to consider me an enemy. What am I supposed to do?
I know that arriving at college for the first time can be very scary. Add a totally unacceptable roommate to the picture, and you are compromising and subjecting yourself to a situation which is bound to make its toll on your grades.
IMO there is a dorm monitor or someone in charge of dorm problems. You can go to him and tell him/her to help you get transferred to another room or maybe a different dorm. If they give you any noise, see the guidance officers (called by many different names). Tell them all the details.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
This is a somewhat involved question, but there is no one who can be trusted in my highly dysfunctional family. I mean, I love my parents, but they are so dysfunctional they should get an award.
I am 17 and openly gay. My parents struggled with it for awhile, but they are now cool with it as long as we don't discuss it!
My question concerns my 13 year old straight little brother. He is a great kid, very friendly, very straight-- and he knows nothing about his older brother being gay (that's me). One night when our parents were at a meeting of Neurotics Anonymous, my brother and I had dinner alone. Since I'm aware that he is dating some fairly nice girls, but he is still naïve I casually asked him what he knows about safe sex-- and what he said was ridiculous. Essentially, he thinks it's learning how NOT to fall out of bed! He hasn't a clue!!!
I know our dad gave him the "birds and the bees" talk. It had to be very similar to what he shared with me when I was about 12 years old. I know that he was nervous and that the way he described sex almost made me throw up. He didn't portray straight sex as anything to write home about. My gay-self hadn't revealed anything at this point.
OK... I was talking with my little brother and I asked him about the girls he has dated, etc. It might seem early to some, but I asked him if he practiced safe sex if and when he does hook up with a girl. He blushed and just asked what I mean. I used the word "condom" and he asked me what I meant.
My question is whether I should have a very serious heart to heart talk with him and even provide him with condoms "just in case." Our parents will not get around to this subject, and I am fairly certain that boys his age need to be prepared. He attends a parochial junior high school, so I don't expect there will be any total dialogue there.
So, what would you do?
Dear Big Brother,
At first I thought this message was a prank from one of my friends. But when I read it over again, I realized that you have a delicate situation and need some advice. Cousin Butchie can only tell you what he would do. Take what makes sense to you and skip the rest.
First of all, a 13 year old boy is at an age when he probably has sexual thoughts twenty times an hour. Since you brother is straight, he's thinking of girls. I would privately tell him that no one is pushing him to have sex (if this hasn't happened already) but that you want to share a very important subject with him. Buy him some condoms and discuss them with him. Emphasize that these things prevent pregnancy and also prevent syphilis and other diseases he has probably never heard of. I also think he might be acting dumb to see your reaction.
For awhile, I suggest that you not "come out" to him. What you are sharing with him is totally directed toward him, and you'll have plenty of time to be more open with him in a few years.
I know that some may disagree with me, but I maintain that it's better to be safe than sorry-- especially with a subject as serious as this.
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I have been dating a dude in my class. Everything is totally fabulous and I believe we will have a great future together. The chemistry is over the top. We both plan careers in nursing because male nurses are usually so rare. He might want to become a nurse practitioner or a physician's assistant. We have plenty of time for all of this to happen.
The other evening we went out for dinner at my grandmother's house. She's a really rad older lady and I actually came out to her before I came out to my parents. At about dessert time, Grandma asked if we plan to adopt children. I immediately said we don't plan on it. My boyfriend said that he wants to have two or three kids. We have never even thought that far ahead before that dessert talk.
Now, my boyfriend is bringing up the subject every chance he gets. I have told him that I would have no problem entertaining a few nieces and nephews but that I don't want to adopt. We are both going to have some heavy duty job responsibilities and I am certain that we would not be good parents.
How do we resolve this issue and is it all that important?
If you and your boyfriend cannot come to an agreement about adoption or in vitro fertilization I see no chance that your relationship will work. This is not a minor issue like the kind of car you will drive.
You guys are really just starting out in a relationship and the adoption question is years away, but you are hitting it now... and I think it's for the best. The two of you need to sit down, possibly with a close friend, and talk about all of your feelings about being parents in the future.
While Cousin Butchie rarely tells a couple to part ways, it seems that this issue is extremely important, and you need to face it honestly as soon as you can. You might even ask the boyfriend if a dog or cat would be an acceptable compromise. Ask this very respectfully or he might explode!
Just an observation: How many heterosexual couples enter a marriage with the understanding that they will not have children. I even know of one instance in which the male had a vasectomy.
Hey Cousin Butchie,
It's about five weeks before prep school classes start again, and I am bored out of my mind. I've done everything on my bucket list for the summer, and now I just watch the daytime game shows and play video games.
I'm pretty much feeling the same way you do. I decided to ask my Uncle RJ for his ideas. He went on for over an hour so I'll condense it. However...Waldo, your problem has become my problem because I realize that Uncle RJ had hit a few blind spots in my thinking.
So...Here are a few suggestions:
You probably have an elderly grandparent or other relative who is housebound or in a nursing home. Take some time to visit these relatives. They respond very well to visit from relatives, and Uncle RJ says that some families don't even bother to visit during the holidays.
Another suggestion was that I (you) surprise some older person in your neighborhood by mowing his/her lawn. If you don't move quickly, you can also shovel the snow. Under no circumstances take any payment-- unless someone bakes you an apple pie or sneaks you a beer.
You could also bring tears to your mother's eyes and clean your room-- not just rearranging the piles of clothes, etc., but organizing things so she doesn't need to lock the door to your room when company visits.
I'm sure you get the idea. I did, and maybe I'll run into you at Bridgeway or River's Edge Nursing/Rehab Centers.