Hey, Cousin Butchie,
This needs a fast answer. Time is of the essence.
My mother is not exactly in the running for most understanding mother of the year. I am out to her, but she is still not ready to accept the fact that I am proud to be gay and very happy to have a wonderful man in my life. She refers to him as my roommate. She has met "roommate" several times and she was extremely cold and rude to him. I've spoken to her and told her that when she is cruel and mean to "roommate" she is also cruel and mean to me. His parents are wonderful and have welcomed me as part of the family.
My "roommate" told me that his dad hopes we will join them for dinner on Mothers Day. I know that this type of invitation happens to all couples regardless of their sexual orientation. One set of parents needs to be chosen over the other for holidays. In my case, I get sick thinking of the stupid things my mother says about all the people she and Donald Trump detest, especially immigrants and people who "suffer" with same-sex attractions.
So, in a nutshell, what in the name of God am I going to do on Sunday?
I feel ignorant having to ask for advice like this, but I am stupid about what we should do.
First of all, calling yourself "ignorant" isn't very helpful because it stands in the way of thinking clearly.
I don't think Mother's Day is quite the appropriate time to have a debacle with your mother (and father, if there is one). My advice would be to send flowers with a card saying you are sorry you can't spend the day with her but other plans have already been made.
You realize that there are many issues to iron out before next Mother's Day or any family type holiday. Tell your mom that your "roommate" is your lover and that you will only go to family events as a couple-- and that you expect courtesy and some measure of understanding and love. Possibly it would could better if you talk to her alone.
As for the question of how other couples handle holidays, I have asked around and the usual drill is to alternate yearly events between the two families. Another tactic is taking one set of parents to dinner on Saturday evening and having dinner with the other set on Mothers Day.
I also want to remind you that not every parent has done a remarkably great job of endearing themselves to their kids. For every mother who comes close to deserving the sickeningly sweet words on a Hallmark card there are two or three (at least) who just haven't been so wonderful. Don't feel guilty because you cannot keep on accepting bad behavior with a smile.
Maybe by next year, when your "roommate" is more obviously and blatantly your husband you can invite your mother to dinner so she can meet your husband's family--and some of her vitriol will wash away.