The Truth Can Leave You Without a Date

Posted by Uncle RJ & Cousin Butchie on Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Hey, Cousin Butchie!

I wrote to you long ago about the best way to find a date and relationship or both. You advised me to be honest so that other guys looking for special friends would trust me once they met me. It made sense. Who wants to think he's meeting up with Nick Jonas and opening the door to find a dude who resembles Dracula only worse? I did the best I could with my posting, and it bombed in a big way. My intended date was really pleasant and sweet and also confused. I am going to ask you to help me re-write that posting.

No offense, but ask Uncle RJ to help you correct and improve my ad. I am writing the entire ad below so you can both work on it. I am kind of at my wits end.

Here's what I wrote:

Your ad attracted me because I feel I can be totally honest with you.  I am 25 years old and kind of promiscuous.  I am not as smart as most guys my age.  They talk about graduating from college, but I was only successful in getting my G.E.D. after seven tries.  It has not helped my job as a valet parking boy at a great restaurant (same pay, same threats of being fired). I work off hours.

"I am looking for that special man who has lots of money, lives in a penthouse or mansion and needs me in his life. Being seen with me will increase the admiration of total strangers. I am 25 years old and don't mind dating any rich men from 18-30. I am not like most of the guys who respond to this ad. I make very little money as the baked potato manager at Wendy's. I will soon recover my driving license which had been suspended on false charges.

I know that many men are only interested in hooking up-- and only judge another by his "stats." I am 5'5" 122 pounds, I used to let my sister dye my hair red but I'm back to brownish hair now. I also have a great deal of body paint, some of which you will only see if we are skinny dipping or naked for another reason. I am the oldest of six children. No one in my family knows that I am gay. Or maybe if they do suspect, but it's not mentioned.

I have a lot to offer you as your lover, and maybe your husband. So...tell me about yourself!"

Honest Abe

Dear Honest Abe,

Uncle R.J. and I have discussed your message. Our first impressions were that you are either a friend putting us on OR a writer who is really in need of some common sense advice.

We are not going to re-write this ad for you. If we change most of the descriptions we could probably make you sound like the type of date any man would find compatible and a hopeful permanent boyfriend. The problem, Abe, is that he is going to meet you and decide that you have not been honest. If WE write this for you, we are not doing you a favor.

Here's a few honest ways to write the ad. Give it an honest try, and one of us will help you polish it up.

Ask these questions in the ad and be sure to give your own response as well.

  • How old are you and what kind of work do you do?

  • Have you dated much in the past?

  • Tell the things you would bring to a relationship to make it better.

  • What was the last movie you saw? What was the best book you've read in the past, or now?

  • Do you drink? Do you smoke?

  • Do you have any gay (or LGBT) friends?

  • Do you like children? Would adopting one (or two) be workable for you?

  • How long have you been out of the closet?

  • Have you had a serious friendship in the past? How did it go?

  • Tell me about how you would envision the "perfect" date?

Abe, respond to these suggestions and let us know if you want a private reply or if you will allow us to put it online.

Good luck!

Margot Speicher on October 12, 2016 at 9:46:51 pm said:
This is your grandmother, Butchie! As your mother has probably told you, I thought you were a little dopey when you were in fifth grade. Be that as it may, you and Uncle RJ (a nut case) didn't do a bad column, but who digs up the headlines??? You make it sound like the boy with the stupid classified ad for one of the gay magazines (I guess) is a genius. As you know, Grandma is not a lesbian...but I am sure that they would write beautiful advice and maybe even get a few new members of their tribe.
Be good, dear. Christmas is coming and I go to the bank every day.

Leave a Comment