Coming Out Is Really Complicated
Dear Cousin Butchie,
I feel very stupid and helpless right now. I thought I had a great plan for staying in the closet for as long as I needed to and then surprising everyone with the news when I jumped out of that closet. I'm psyched to come out now, and the complications are going to be more difficult than I ever expected when I wrote out my plan.
I don't go to a school with a Gay-Straight Alliance, my family is clueless (at least, I tried to make sure they are) and I need to come out to the girl I've been dating for two years.
Thinking of my need to find a girlfriend to throw everyone off the track about my being gay, I heard about a girl in school who had taken one of those "no sex before marriage" pledges. It was something Kirk Cameron tries to get teenagers and young adults to promise. Well, the girl turned out to be very attractive and very much into her pledge. What more could I possibly want? I had a steady date for the prom and for a few family weddings, and we went on dates which included some of the hottest guys in school.
Things went well, and I congratulated myself for being so clever when the girl told her parents how wonderful I am and that I have never tried to do anything except give her a chaste kiss. I had lots of fun with her and the totally awesome straight dudes with their girlfriends. On one of the rides at Great Adventure, I was on one ride where I got sandwiched between two of the guys in their bathing suits. Oh yeah, it was that water rapids ride, and the girls were on one side of the round tube and the guys on the other. I was really scared when I had a very obvious physical reaction to the guys on the ride. The girls didn't notice, and the guys actually patted me on the back. Laughing about it with them made things return to normal very quickly. They also considered me to be one of THEM.
My problem really starts now. I have met another guy and we have just the right chemistry. We came out to each other and this makes me ready to come out in my last year of high school. I think my girlfriend also has a lot of interest in this guy's looks and personality-- and no one would ever consider him (or me) to be anything less than heterosexual.
How do I break this news to my girlfriend? She's attractive and fun to date, but she thinks I have taken the same celibacy pledge and has marriage plans way into the future. HELP!!!
You didn't sign a name, but that isn't a big problem.
You asked for advice, and your Cousin Butchie has never knowingly met anyone with a story like yours. I know that some gay guys have a friend who is a girl-- and they arrange to help each other out with necessary social events at school and in the families. Most of the time they are lesbians who are seeking what your seeking-- NOT a boyfriend, but a BEARD. You get the drift? This girl was not your girlfriend in the usual sense of the word. She thought you were the answer to her prayers to find a chaste young man whom she would date and love but remain a virgin until her wedding TO YOU.
If you are a selfish and rotten human being you can break the news now. This will assure that you break this girl's heart. She will feel betrayed by you, and she will probably feel stupid with her friends.
You have your senior year of high school left. I suggest that you stay in the closet until you graduate. Yes, see your boyfriend with discretion... but there is no valid reason to burst this girl's balloon. Chances are good that you will go to different colleges or get jobs in distant cities. This way you will let things fizzle slowly.
Please don't be offended, but I feel I must tell you that if you come out now and cause this girl pain and confusion and feelings of betrayal, then you are a lot lower than pond scum, a tool, a heartless person... and karma teaches us that things like this come back to haunt us.
She has unknowingly made your life easier for the last few years. Have the decency to continue it in your senior year and let it die out on its own.