Should I Have Told My Dad?
Dear Cousin Butchie,
Hi! I am 16 years old and I've been reading your blogs for more than a few years. That's why I want to ask you a question which is bothering me because I may have missed a great opportunity to come out to my dad.
Last month, my mom was visiting relatives and my dad was alone with me and my sister. One night after my sister went to bed, my dad decided to give me the "Big Talk" about sex. My friends have all told me how this happened with them and some of the stories are hilarious.
My dad is a cool man, and I would have to say that he's a hunk. I know that he gets lots of attention from women, and I just have a hunch that he may have been unfaithful more than a few times...but that's another story. Dad told me about the birds and the bees in a way that almost made me laugh. He made it all seem so technical and used medical terms which were creepy. Like he said "The man's semen goes from his penis to the woman's vagina". He assumed that I knew a lot about masturbation, and he was correct on that topic. So he rambled on for awhile and gave me a hug and said that he knew I would always be careful and respectful about sex. He then gave me a huge box of assorted condoms, and he opened one and showed me how to roll it onto a banana. Inside, I was laughing my ass off. Dad was very pleased with himself for how he broke all of this "news" to me, and he asked me if I wanted a beer. Go figure!
I am kicking myself because I think I missed exactly the right time to tell him that I am gay. My mom is a terrific lady but I don't want to tell her first. I think she might get emotional or hysterical.
Missed the Boat
Hi, Missed the Boat,
First of all, thank you for being a faithful reader over the past few years. Very few people will admit to something like that!
Coming out is not a precise science. It all depends on the family dynamics and the way the gay person feels about his/her sexuality. I believe that you may have missed a great opportunity when beer entered the equation. Being a little bit buzzed can make a discussion of this kind easier for both the parent and the teenage son.
Why not ask your dad if you can talk to him again and that it has to be just between the two of you. Tell him that you love him and that secrets are hard to keep. Then tell him. Make sure you have the phone number of the nearest P-FLAG chapter. I also suggest that you start by asking your dad if he ever remembers looking at another guy in the locker room or at the beach. Most straight men will admit to this and then qualify it very quickly by saying it was not very often. Explain that while you have female friends, you are only attracted to other dudes and that there's no way you want to deny it or hide it any longer.
If you want, tell your dad he can write to me.
Readers are invited to share their thoughts and questions/problems on the blog page of NJGayLife.com or may be directed to KippyNJ@aol.com.