The Times They Are A Changin'

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Sunday, July 13, 2014

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am in real predicament, and I might as well agree to let you settle it.

Two dudes who have been my friends for years are taking the big step and getting married in August. I am honestly closer to Mike than I am to Jim, but that's because we dated once and we could have become very serious at one point. That was back in our late teens when my hormones and his were sending love notes to each other. Got it? Okay, the problem is that a group of about fifteen of our gay friends are planning a "pre-nuptial" party for Mike. They have excluded the other groom, Jim, because they don't know him as well. That part is true. Now they are asking me to help setup this orgy because I know Mike better than anyone else. that a true statement (LOL)!  The plans are for an unlimited alcoholic party complete with a few male escorts. I've never heard of crap like this, but gay marriages are relatively new. Should I go along with these friends and help make it the perfect "groom to be party" or do all in my power to stop it. If I do, can you suggest something else for the occasion?

Brian Bewildered

Hi Brian Bewildered,

Thank you for asking my opinion of this forthcoming planned party. Briefly, I think the entire idea sucks and resembles some scenes from "Boys in the Band."  It's also very similar to what heterosexual men plan for a groom to be, and they call it a "Bachelor Party."  I think their plans are as heteroseually stupid as smashing wedding cake in each others' faces.

If you consider all the angles here, there are a few ideas which might be the best solution.

First of all, immediately plan on making this a "Grooms Party" for both Mike and Jim. See how they react to the idea. Depending on their moral compass, they may either accept or reject the idea. It wouldn't hurt to ask, and it could be disastrous if you don't.

The second suggestion might be to all go to Great Adventure and waiting forever to ride that new enormous rollercoaster. You can stop for a beer blast on the way back, and you guys can all take turns rubbing Noxzema on each others' sunburn.

Another possibility is to have no such party at all. Why imitate the heterosexuals who usually don't make a great success of their weddings 50% of the time anyway?

I believe that what looks like a great fun idea for the fifteen of your closest personal friends (LOL) is to go out yourselves and leave Mike and Jim out of it. Go ride the Circle Line and drink until you puke overboard. Just for the hell of it, take the considerable money this orgy/party was going to cost and buy the newlyweds a mini-vacation in six months for when they are probably still feeling a need to go away together but alone.

It also begs for me to ask you this question:  If this were your wedding coming up would you want a party given for the other groom, unbeknowst to you, as you sit at home wondering why your main man is among the missing so close to the wedding?

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