Why do they all seem to disappear?

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Thursday, July 3, 2014

Greetings to all of my countless readers and fans!  I have taken a seemingly long hiatus from writing on this blog because I was waiting for questions and comments from readers.  Now that a number of you have written to me at www.KippyNJ.com instead of on the NJ Gay Life site, my faith has been restored.  By the way, please feel free to use the private email address or to address my on Bonnie's NJ Gay Life page.

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am writing to you because I am very disheartened and confused about dating other gay and bisexual men.  I'm twenty years old, and I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if gay men in general always act this way.  I'm referring to dating or hooking up.  In  a nut shell, I don't understand why so very many promise to call for a second date and never do.

My friends have set up blind dates with some guys they thought would be ideal matches for me. I'm ashamed to say that most of the other guys I have met through gay Internet dating services.  Of course, I have also hooked up with some dudes I have met on my own.  The common denominator with all of the men I have hooked up with is the fact that they never respond to my phone calls, never phone me....and even if I see one at a bar or in the market, they ignore me or act as though there was never a date.  So, what's up with this?

Always Alone,

Dear Always Alone,

Cousin Butchie's first reaction to your situation is the fact that you appear to be using the terms "Hook up" and "Date" interchangably.  A hook up is meeting with the express intention of reacting hormonally and having some immediate sexual experience.  Now, most gay dudes will tell you that they never do any hooking up, however Cousin Butchie thinks they are acting like Pinocchio, and we all know what happened to him!

A date will be interaction with another dude with the hope of discovering common interests and proceeding slowly with setting the stage for a real friendship-- sometimes with benefits, and other time not.

Now, Mr. Always Alone...let's consider the possible reasons you are not getting a call back when you phone or a often promised first call back from the other dude.

Ask yourself some very basic questions such as:

  •  Was I truthful in the ways I described myself before we actually met?  Was he?
  •  Was I so anxious for a hook up that I let the date concept end within twenty minutes of our introduction?
  •  Was there a distinct body odor on my part?
  •  Did I have the kind of breath which was bad enough to knock a buzzard off a pile of shit?
  • To relax, did I become too buzzed to really remember exactly how the hook up played out?
  • Did I reciprocate in any way.... to the other dude's comments about his job or education.  In other words, did I encourage some    personal sharing prior becoming physically demonstrative, i.e.  Did I have my paws all over him before I knew anything about him?
  •  Did I refer to my "ex" a lot.  In this type of situation, a lot could mean more than once?
  •  Was the other dude simply not what you expected and you felt like you were doing him a favor hooking up?

All in all, dating between men is a little more difficult than a heterosexual date.  Dealing with your ego and his ego; his personality and yours; his likes and dislikes; how far each of you are willing to go- all are often delicate maneuvers.  My advice is always to meet for coffee or a drink or dinner.  Let your intuition tell you if he's into you and whether he's really the kind of dude you want to become part of your life. Also give yourself credit for realizing that a date is a date and a hook up is a hook up.  If either one of you is merely seeking sex make that clear from the start.  And make absolutely sure that everything is safe.

Let me know how it goes.  Remind and convince yourself that you are worthy of a great friendship and it need not  start with sex the first time you meet.  When this occurs, you set the stage for being considered another trick (and so does he).

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