Now He Says He is Giving Up Sex for Lent

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Friday, March 21, 2014

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I am Dan the Agnostic, and I wrote to you last month about my boyfriend's overly and sickeningly distressing religious beliefs and fervor. You gave a sensible and workable plan but (now, I will name him)  Anthony Joseph Aloysius Corleone. This boyfriend of mine has had some further communionication with his aggravating witch of a mother. Followng this, Anthony has acted a little stressed and kind of cold to me. We share the same dorm room, but my "little muffin" has told me that he decided to give up having sex with me for Lent. He speaks very little about it. I don't know if his parents have made him feel sinful or if he is just tired of our relationship. Believe me-- three weeks ago he was a tiger ready to pounce at any moment of the day or night. Now, I just get sad looks. What do you think I should do?

Dan the Agnostic,

Dear Dan the Agnostic,

Cousin Butcie has never heard of such a stupid reason for a couple to stop sharing sex with each other.  I mean, measles and accidental brain damage might qualify as legitimate reasons for a change in your romantic life and sexual expression.

BUT GIVING YOU UP FOR LENT IS THE STUPIDEST THING COUSIN BUTCHIE HAS HEARD IN YEARS. BACK IN THE DARK AGES, THE CRUEL LEADERS TOLD THEIR IGNORANT CATHOLIC FOLLOWERS THAT THEY SHOULD GIVE UP SEX FOR LENT.  OF COURSE, THEY WERE CLUELESS, SO IT ONLY MEANT SEX BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN.

I SUSPECT SOMETHING DEEPER IS TAKING ROOT HERE, AND YOU WOULD DO BEST NOT TO BITE THE BULLET UNTIL EASTER MORNING TO SEE IF YOUR LOVER BOY IS GOING TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME IN THE SACK.  RIGHT NOW, SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND ASK FOR AN EXPLANATION.  DIRECTLY ASK IF HE WANTS TO CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP.  ASK HIM IF YOU ARE DOING ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM  UNCOMFORTABLE OR OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU.  ALSO ASK HOW MUCH EMPHASIS HIS PARENTS MAY HAVE HAD ON HIS DECISION.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LONG DISCUSSION OF ANY PROBLEMS AND HOW THEY CAN BE SOLVED, YOU WON'T KNOW WHERE THIS ENTIE DRAMA STANDS. ASK HIM FINALLY IF HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO YOUR PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP  IMMEDIATELY OR IF HE PREFERS TO TAKE WHATEVER THE EASTER BUNNY LEAVES HIM THIS YEAR.

SOMETHING OF THIS NATURE UPSETS COUSIN BUTCHIE BECAUSE IT SEEMS SO FOREIGN TO THE WAY HE KNOWS THAT SERIOUS COUPLES CONDUCT THEMSELVES.  STRAIGHTS PULL CRAP LIKE THIS, BT NOT GAY MEN!

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