His Parents Think They Are Holier Than God

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Sunday, March 2, 2014

Dear Cousin Butchie,

My boyfriend and I are both sophomores in college. We've been in a relationship since the second week of our freshman year. I am very sure that my boyfriend is a keeper, but his family is driving me nuts. His mother is a very conservative and supposedly "pious" Catholic.  Last Christmas, I went to her home with my b/f for dinner. The b/f and I picked out some nice presents for the family. She doesn't know that her son and I are lovers. She was told that he had a friend with family on the West Coast and that I would be alone for the holidays.  She profusely invited me, possibly sensing that she would have a future convert to bring into her church.

When I arrived with the b/f we were both greeted warmly and we were told how blessed they felt to have us there with them. There was a fairly bloody crucifix on the walls of each room except for the bathroom. There were also statues with candles burning in front of them.  I asked my b/f if the house was like this while he was growing up, and he said that it got worse around Easter every year. Mother Pious let Father Pious say grace before we ate. Mother Pious started to tell us about how heartbroken she was about a great tragedy which happened right in their neighborhood. It seems that there was a sticky bun in Freedman's Bakery window, and many people saw the Blessed Virgin Mary on that sticky bun. More and more people went to see it for themselves. That sticky bun and all the other baked goods were kept in the window for a week and then thrown out. Mother Pious was assured that the Blessed Virgin Mary sticky bun would be saved for her. (I was trying to eat my lasagna and pretended to act as shocked as she wanted me to be.) Then, crying like a baby, she said that the special bun was set aside but it was accidentally eaten by one of the clerks who liked stale pastry to dunk in her coffee. My b/f smiled at her and said how sorry he was. I could not find the words to explain my feelings. Father Pious tried to turn the conversation over to the subject of sports, but Mom kept on yapping. I managed to tell her that I understood how freakin' awful she must feel. 

That evening, Mother Pious apologized for the fact that we boys would need to sleep in the same bedroom because there was a ceiling problem in the guest room. Only then did I scream "Hallelujah" and express how blessed we were. When my b/f told me that he always had a queen size bed in that room, I started speaking in tongues and looking forward to an unexpected night together in the same bed with the b/f' . 

The next day, b/f and I went to the mall and some small stores. At lunch we were able to discuss the prospect of coming out to his parents. I told the b/f that it was out of the question-- that his parents were religious lunatics and that they were not going to accept our relationship BECAUSE he never bothered to come out to them in 7th grade when he wanted to. He says we should tell them when we see them again at Easter. What do you think?

Dan the Agnostic & B/F

Dear Dan and B/F,

I have found your email so funny that I shared it with thirty-two of my closest LGBT friends.  No names were mentioned, and we all thank you for the entertainment.

Seriously, I don't think it would be possible to come out to Mom and Pop Pious until you're out of school and hopefully living many miles away. You can both play the game with them until you graduate from college. In general, I would say that the parents aren't likely to attend PFLAG meetings if they were informed. Keep trying to make Mom and Pop Pious like you so that they don't eventually accuse you of leading their son astray.

Cousin Butchie wonders about Dan's family on the West Coast. Dan, are you bringing the b/f to meet them? Are you out to your family?

P.S. You've been in a relationship since your second week as freshmen. You sure didn't lose anytime with that, did you? LOL


Those readers who would like to ask a question or tell me how lousy this column  is may reach me at the njgaylife.com website or email me directly at KippyNJ@aol.com.




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