Coming Out Finally

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Friday, August 9, 2013

Dear Cousin Butchie,

Let me start at the beginning, okay? 

I met my lover and soul mate 15 years ago when we were both in kindergarten.  Don't let anyone try to tell you that it can't happen.  Rip (not his real name) sat next to me for arts and crafts, and we played on the playground together.  One day, he asked me to come to his house so he could change clothes before we played ball.  When he took off his chinos and I saw him just in his jockey shorts, my heart skipped a beat.  I liked everything about Rip and I couldn't even explain the attraction.  Through the next few years, we studied together, played together, had sleepovers when his parents or mine were out for the night,  We had other "boy" friends, but they were just boys we played ball with and belonged to the Cub Scouts and 4H with.  I always wanted to kiss Rip, but I didn't dare to try it.

When we both were accepted at the same prep school, we did just about everything together.  Rip was at my house many times for dinner and so we could study together.  We had the same sense of humor, and we also talked about how dating some of the girls from school just didn't seem all that great to us.  Of course, we were also on the same sports teams, and there were lots of times when we showered together with the other boys.  It was then that my hormones (and his) started kicking in, and we realized that we were also physically attracted to each other and more than just friends.  People often would mistake us for brothers, and some even said twins.

The boys at school did some of the sexual experimenting that seems to always happen in the adolescent years.  The difference was that the other boys were horsing around and talking about girls, but Rip and I were smitten with each other.  We finally stopped the charade and came out to each other.  I can honestly say that neiher of us had those special feelings for any other dudes.  Things progressed well for us, and we went to the same college and were roomies at our request.  We wrestled with the idea of telling our parents the truth.  Actually, both sets of parents accepted the fact that we were best friends, and they never seemed to suspect that we were gay.  We both had other friends, but there was no romantic side to it.  I'm totally sure that none of them ever suspected we were gay and madly in love with each other.

Last year, I think I was extremely and lividly mad at Rip.  It all seemed so simple.  We were having dinner at my parents' house and my mom dropped an entire casserole dish.  Rip laughed his ass off, making my mom very angry.  She told Rip that he was rude and unkind and that she didn't appreciate his laughing at the accident she had with the baking dish.  Mom carried on for a long time about this incident.  THEN RIP DROPPED THE BOMB... HE SAID 'MRS.D.,  I APOLOGIZE, BUT I ALSO THINK THIS IS ONE HELL OF A WAY TO TREAT THE PERSON WHO IS GOING TO BE  YOUR SON-IN-LAW."  Rip had outed both of us to my mom, and she became slightly hysterical running to take a tranquilizer.

Rip is relieved and proud of what he did.  He points out that there are times when it's exactly the right time to come out, and that we were long overdue. Both sets of parents had to have some inkling of the friendship between Rip and me.  His parents, by the way, were told the news by my mom.  They were not upset or a problem at all.  They told me that they were waiting for me to tell them and were surprised it had taken so long for the cat to get out of the bag.

My mom (and dad) are quickly getting over the shock, but they still show a certain coldness to Rip.  His parents, on the other hand, are asking about wedding plans, if we intend to adopt, etc.

I think Rip was way out of place, but I love him more than words can say, and I am also relieved that we don't need to "pussy foot" around my parents.  By that I mean, we can hug and even kiss at my house, and he's calling my mom by that name MOM.

What's your take on this?  I think your advice is usually very balanced and well thought out.

TIGER

DEAR TIGER,

FIRST OF ALL, I THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS.

TIGER, I PERSONALLY FEEL THAT RIP AND YOU HAVE A GREAT HISTORY LEADING TO HAVING A LOVING AND EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.  RIP PROBABLY DID ACT IMPULSIVELY, BUT I THINK THAT IT WAS A FAST WAY TO 'COME OUT' AND IT DIDN'T REQUIRE THE ANGST AND ANXIETY WHICH ARE ALL TOO COMMON IN A COMING OUT SCENARIO.  IT PROBABLY HELPED IN THE LONG RUN THAT YOUR FAMILY AND RIP'S FAMILY HAD GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO THE FRIENDSHIP YOU BOTH SHARED OVER THE YEARS.  PERSONALLY, I DON'T AGREE THAT IT NEVER ENTERED YOUR MOM'S MIND THAT YOU GUYS COULD BE MORE THAN FRIENDS.

IT'S A CLICHE WORTH PONDERING;  IT TOOK YOU A GOOD NUMBER OF YEARS TO ARRIVE AT THE POINT WHERE YOU REALLY WANTED TO COME OUT.  SO.... GIVE YOUR PARENTS SOME TIME TO GET USED TO IT.  FROM THE SOUND OF IT, THIS WILL MOST LIKELY BE A QUICK TRANSFORMATION PERIOD.... AND SINCE YOUR PARENTS AND RIP'S PARENTS ARE FRIENDS, THE PROCESS COULD BE FASTER THAN YOU IMAGINE.

BEST OF LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU!  COUSIN BUTCHIE HAS ALWAYS HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY HE MET IN KINDERGARTEN, BUT AS IN MOST CASES, IT REMAINS JUST A MEMORY OF A FEW YEARS OF HAVING BEEN 'BEST BUDDIES' --AND MY SANDBOX MR. RIGHT IS NOW MARRIED AND HAS A BABY ON THE WAY.

 

You are welcome to send questions and comments here at njgaylife.com or you may use a different screen for questions you don't want answered online by using kippynj@aol.com

 

 

 

Comments
Cousin Butchie on August 11, 2013 at 5:35:06 pm said:
Dear NJ Choirgirl,
I have puzzled over your comment for awhile now, and I don't know what I wrote to get you so unsettled. I tend to limit my columns to responding to other gay men. I have a few lesbian friends, but I don't really know enough about what makes them tick to write about them. Here's an idea. Why not answer Tiger's letter from your point of view? It might educate and help many, including myself.
NJChoirgirl on August 10, 2013 at 7:39:05 pm said:
Butchie.... This is the typical way a sex-crazy advice columnist would respond to other males. Did you ever think how much different the situation would have been for two lesbian lovers?

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