Not Feeling So Gay

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Saturday, June 29, 2013

Dear Cousin Butchie,

I know that this is NY Pride Weekend, and I have some really great gay friends who want me to go with them tomorrow.  I am 22 years old, and when I was 9 years old I was sexually molested by my older brother and we kind of fooled around after that for a couple of years.  This background has me very feeling that I was traumatized and probably am not really gay at all.  I have dated girls and felt attracted to them in the same way I am aroused by other men.  My gay friends think I'm hallucinating or something-- and that I don't really feel attracted to women AT TIMES.  They can't understand my feelings and usually change the subject if I try to talk about it.  To add to the problem is the fact that one of my friends is MUCH MORE THAN A FRIEND, and I don't want to weird him out because I am the way I am.  I would want this dude for my husband.

Basically, that's why I don't want to go to NY tomorrow, and I really am feeling so conflicted about my sexual feelings.


Dear Not Feeling So Gay,

Thank you for reaching out to understand your feelings and attraction. There are many young boys who have experiences similar to yours.  They can probably deal with this until they suddenly awaken to the fact that they have equally strong feelings towards girls. 

I suggest that you give yourself a break and think of yourself as bisexual.  You should have a therapist help you sort this all out, and there are many listed right here on

As for the NY Pride celebrations tomorrow in NY (and held throughout the year in different parts of the world) remember that it is not called 'gay pride' any longer.  It's  'LGBT Pride.'  the "b" is for 'bisexual' and this means that people of all different shades of the rainbow  are welcome.

Not at this precise moment....but in the near future, why not discuss this with one of your good gay friends.  Most would welcome the fact that you took him into your confidence.  It's a given that many, many  gay dudes first claim to be bisexual.  They kind of figure that if this news doesn't kill their parents, the gay announcement later on will be much easier.

Please consider what I have written and allow yourself  to act with less discomfort.  Some therapy will help as well.  For the present time, try not to make a commitment of love to anyone.  When it all becomes clearer to you, things will fall in place with a male or female. 

I will never forget the song of a wonderful African-American Catholic nun who died far too soon of cancer.  All her life people asked who she was, and her reply in a beautiful gospel format was 'whenever people ask you who you are, tell them you're a child of God (or the universe).

Now, tell your friends you will go with them, and have a fabulous time.  Keep in mind that you are very much welcome (even if you're straight).  Realize that your friends might hope you come to a resolution that you are gay, but I know of very few who would reject you.

Now... Pick out what you're wearing tomorrow... And Cousin Butchie will look for you there!


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