Another Mother's Day Consideration
My Dear Readers,
In my last blog a few days ago I answered a young man whose mother had recently passed away. It centered on his bereavement and how to honor his mom's memory on special "specific anniversary" dates. Cousin Butchie thought he answered pretty well since it was also very similar to the events in Cousin Butchie's life.
I have had comments from one of my friends. He wouldn't think of posting a question or comment on line. Well, Sluggo told me that I had fallen into the Mother's Day "trap." He asked me how many times I had tried to buy a card for a parent and all the sentiments expressed on the card caused either laughter at their absurdty or the fact that they simply said everything on the card that the child wouldn't have told the parents EVER.
So, the valuable lesson, I believe, is not the card. If you have a parent who mentally or physically abused you....or threatened you with abandonment when you came out of the closet, you may want to send a very formal card and signing it "Very truly yours" to avoid the flowery expressions of love, by all means do it. In the entire gay and straight world there are some rotten parents. They probably ran out of condoms or birth control pills and let you know that you were an accident. There is no need for you to pretend that you grew up in a "Leave It to Beaver" kind of family, or a prototype of Bill Cosby's family show about the Huxtables.
And not to be morbid, but when such a parent passes on, don't beat yourself upside the head because you feel nothing. Kind of remnds me of a song with similar lyrics in Broadway's presentation of "Chorus Line." You don't ever need to pretend feelings that are simply lies.
The few elements you may find helpful: All families are dysfunctional to some extent or another. In fact, families which have the lunacy to say that there was nothing dysfunctional about their family-- beome dysfunctional by saying it. Were they the Holy Family of Nazareth??? The other thing you might wish to think about is what their lives were like growing up. Sometimes the horrible reality is that your parents lived through a very poor relationship with their parents-- your grandparents.
When we can look back and suddenly SEE AND UNDERSTAND that your parents seriously did the best they could have done, we're reaching a compassionate and often totally real step in the healing process. Raising a family well was simply uncharted territory.
Cousin Butchie hopes this sheds some light on another difficult situation so many people face, but they don't realize it because they block it from their memories or they just will not tell their friends the truth about it. It's certainly their right, but be alert for the clues they send out every so often.
[A cousin of mine was discussing her parents, and she said she would send a card and maybe buy the Godiva chocolates... but she would always remind herself that "mother" is often just half a word.) Buy the time I figured out what that meant (slow on the uptake) I found it so funny I laughed until I hiccupped.
Your questions and comments are always welcome. If you don't wish to put them online with NJGayLife.com please feel free to contact Cousin Butchie at www,KippyNJ@aol.com. Just be sure to write "Cousin Butchie" on the subject line.
Even when people try to bust my chops with a totally fabricated story, I answer. I'll never forget the dude who wrote asking me to offer up prayers and positive thoughts for his father who was out of a job for two years. I was told that Dad was legally blind but had his heart set on passing the exam to become a school bus driver!
Whenever you write with a question, you will remain anonymous. Fear not!