Dear Cousin Butchie,
As I understand it, many gay dudes are close to their mothers. It was true in my case because she gave me unconditional love and acceptance. To almost the same degree, my dad did also. Mom died last year, and the anniversary is coming up very soon. So is Mother's Day. I miss Mom a great deal and Dad very quickly found a new wife. She's a pleasant woman, but I can tell that she's not comfortable with me.
I don't know how I am going to make it through the first anniversary and Mother's Day. I do have a few friends, but they don't know what I am going through. It hasn't happened to them yet.
Any suggestions would be really appreciated.
Dear Very Sad,
Your Cousin Butchie here has the same problem, and so do many others. In reality, it is a dilemma which everyone will face at some point in their lives, yet I know how it hurts so much more when we're young.
I can only make suggestions which have done the trick for me. On the first anniversary of my mom's passing, I went to New York to see a play and have dinner in Little Italy. I had a very close "fag hag" (OMG! Terrible but very descriptive word) and she was happy to let me take her. I was in a bereavement group at the time, and the leader suggested that I NOT go to the cemetery on that day. Rather, he told me to do something my mom would have liked to do on that day. Looking back, I know that my mom liked going to the city and seeing plays and having dinner. So this is what we did, and it worked out fine. I felt my mom was with us even as I sheepishly ordered a third martini! Mom would have given me the evil eye on that third cocktail! My fag hag was driving so I put my mind at ease. I even told the waiter to make sure the olives were not put IN the glass--but on the side. Hey, olives take up space.
Very Sad, make a definite plan for the anniversary date. If you can't find a friend to accompany you, go to NY and take the Circle Line around Manhattan or adopt a kitten or run up your credit cards at the mall--anything to keep your thoughts on the happy side. And try to remember that your mom still lives in your heart and your memory. She can be with you in spirit that day, Above all, remember that your mom would not want you sad and moping around.
Now, Mother's Day is the annual sentimentality orgy of our culture. Go to church where you will know that many, many other people of all ages share your sorrow. Find a boyfriend you like and let him lift your spirits. If he's unavailable or is more or less a figment of your erotic imagination, go to the movies.
I really hope these suggestions help. Anything would be better than waking up on those two days and pulling the covers over your head until it's over. Also, slowly wean yourself from rehashing the anniversary date. Firmly believe that your mom is happy now and is watching over you. Show her how happy you were to have her in your life... and celebrate anything at all that the two of you did together for fun-- even if it was attending funerals.