Mother's Day Again!
Hey, Cousin Butchie!
Well, it's Mother's Day again, and ,ya know, I have the same feelings about it. Ya know, the woman is my mother, and I, ya know, have a genuine suspicion that I am here, ya know, because my father ran out of condoms. She has been a, ya know, decent mother aside from the fact that when I came out she pretended, ya know, that she had a heart attack; and then she cried every single time she spoke to me for the next three months. Ya know, I came out early because I really was never ashamed of being gay. Between the ages of 15 and 20, I was sowing some wild oats and I had, ya know, about 81 truly serious boyfriends, not counting helping my little brother discover his sexuality over all five years. Ya know, I would have married him, but instead I hooked him up with my best friend and, it's ya know, worked very well. When Mom suspected that my bro and I were closer than most, she bitched about it, ya know. I convinced her that little Igor was just experimenting, ya know, and that she at least knew where we were most of the time. BTW, Dad never asked any questions, drank his six-packs and loaned me a few bucks when he felt generous. [Oh crap, we have Father's Day coming next month, don't we?]
Ya now, Mother's Day cards almost always say things that make me barf. I try to pick out one that is the least, ya know, obnoxious, and I buy her a big box of MY favorite chocolates, the special edition of chocolate flavored Gummi Bears. Ya know, they pull out my fillings, but ya know. Mom has dentures but as they say, shit happens.
The other evening, I had no date or hook-up, and I was feeling mellow, ya know. I just jotted down some of the things Mom has taught us over the first years of my, ya know, gayhood. I know that Igor would write something similar, but he is too busy watching porn and playing video games.
So, Happy Mother's Day.... and here's what I appreciate, ya know, at the moment.
Your son, Trojan Buster
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.... "If you and Igor are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION..... "You had better start praying that those stains will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC..... "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT..... Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY..... "Keep crying and I will give you somwthing to cry about."
My mother taught me ENGLISH GRAMMAR..... "Stop saying "ya know" all the time. Ya know, it gets on my nerves!"
My mother taught me REALITY..... "I did not take away this week's allowance because you are gay. I had to punish you for being such a little bastard who uses his sexual preference as an excuse for everything." Ya know, every single time she said "sexual preference, I became. ya know, mentally freaked out and angry.
My mother taught me the science of OSMOSIS..... "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM..... "Well, will you look at the dirt behind your ears!"
My mother taught me about the WEATHER.... "This room of yours looks like a tornado hit."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..... "Just wait until your father gets home and see this."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..... "You're going to get it when we get home. Your luck I need both hands to drive, buster!"
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION..... "Stop acting like your father and THAT side of the family." Sometimes, ya know, she made it sound more scary by calling it "that side the the fam damily."
My mother taught me about WISDOM..... "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." Ya know, it's possible, but I doubt it.
Thank you, T.B. , for your thoughts on Mother's Day! Cousin Butchie can understand some of your convoluted remarks. but I want to ask every mother reading this to remember that T.B. writes in jest or maybe from just one particular memory.
COUSIN BUTCHIE WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERY MOTHER OR MATERNAL FIGURE IN OUR LIVES FOR GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY,.AND CAN WE EVER FORGET THE LOVE WHICH OFTEN INSPIRES MANY OF US (WHEN WE'RE FAIRLY YOUNG ON THE GAY SCALE TO HEAR THE STATEMENT OF UNCONDITIONAL LIVE....."MY SON/DAUGHTER, THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD EVER TELL ME THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS."
WE SINCERELY GIVE THE MOTHERS IN OUR LIVES A TRUE EXPRESSION OF GRATIRUDE (HUGS WORK FINE). AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED ON....WE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OVER US. THERE ARE TIMES WE KNOW THAT YOU ARE SURROUNDING US. NOTHING ELSE COULD EXPLAIN THE LOVE WE FEEL OR THE MIRACLES WHICH WE KNOW YOU HAVE A HAND IN!