All They Want is Sex!

Posted by Cousin Butchie on Sunday, April 22, 2012

Hi, Cousin Butchie!

I never thought I would be writing to an advice columnist, but I am gay and my problems are very predominant in the gay male community.  They might also be exactly the same only entirely different for lesbians!  Just so that other readers don't think they know me, I will tell you that I am not a resident of New Jersey, despite how enticing your governor makes the Garden State appear.

Okay, here goes!  I am 25 years old and a physical education teacher in a middle school located in an upper middle class town.  My last long term relationship ended after ten days. That was in January.  One night in February, I decided to pay a visit to the nearest gay bar/club.  Once I got my hand stamped and entered the bar, my eyes weren't focusing too well to the darkness.  Once they did adjust, I was standing there surrounded by four woofs who also teach at my school.  We all laughed about the coincidence.  More importantly, there was no denying that we all felt horned up by one another whenever we met at the school.  There was a total "gaydar" failure with all four of them so they didn't want to risk hitting on me.  As for me, I made the mistake of making myself believe that they were all married or engaged or just living with women. 

Since that chance meeting ten weeks ago, these guys have become great friends.  I dreamed about orgies when I was a teenager, but I really only wanted one dude on any given evening.   Clubbing with the other guys was working okay for about three days.  I limited myself to sex with just the one dude I thought looked like Ricky Martin.  Then it worked for another few rolls in the hay with my new buddy who looked like Matt Damon.  

The cycle kept going round and round, but I was getting uncomfortable.  All these other guys wanted was sex, sex and more sex.  They weren't jealous or anything, and they did turn some weekends into  24/7 wild and passionate sex-romps- from Friday night until 7:20 on Monday mornings!  

I let it be known that I wasn't comfortable in their play-pen apartments and that I was tired of their constant demands for sex.  It was seemingly understood when I explained how I felt, but now these gentlemen are merely civil to me at school.  I stood my ground, and all I know is that they haven't found a dude of low enough morals to replace me.

As we all do, I have some lesbian and straight "fag hags," so I have sought their advice.  They just don't know what to suggest, and I've even caught one of them yawning!  So, Mr. Cousin Butchie, I am asking for your take on this entire situation.

Signed: Overwhelmed

Hey there, Overwhelmed,

Your Cousin Butchie has read your letter at least five times.  I understand your desire to have sex on a more spotaneous basis, and not during planned weekend orgies.  But before I give you some advice, I think you will feel better if you tell your Cousin Butchie where you teach school (in order to check out the annoying dudes) and the bars and clubs they frequent.  If you have their email addresses and phone numbers that would be very helpful.

I do not advocate promiscuous and anonymous sexual encounters.  You just might be way ahead of  your teacher friends.  Assuming you are all about 25-30 years old, you should be able to figure out that you are at the age at which twinks  refer to us as "dead meat" and "hopelessly over the hill."   All five of you could probably dance around the club stark naked and not be noticed by anyone besides the EMTs  in the process of getting you to the hospital.

Be that as it may, Cousin Butchie suggests that you date or trick at the frequency and pace which are comfortable for you.  Your four teacher pals will rather quickly realize that they are not competing in a marathon-- and that very soon all of you studs will need to settle down with a husband, adopt some kids from somewhere in South America or possibly Vatican City and live a normal life.



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