Keep It to Yourself

Posted by RJ on Saturday, August 20, 2011

Do you remember your first crush?  In all probability that is a person you became totally obsessed with.  We all had first experiences which, at the time, we were sure were going to last forever.  It doesn't matter when it took place, but it formed an indelible mark on your heart (and brain). The place of the first lover is never totally removed from the psyche.  It's a memory which transcends all orientations.

I know that this is true because I've heard about it from so many others, and it has happened to me.  Back in the day, he was all I ever wanted and my world revolved around him.  I saw no impefections or I overlooked them.  Now, after six years, I try to make a conscious effort not to think of the good times we had together-- because when it was good it was great!  The issues which caused the breakup were very serious and insurmountable for us. My medicated dreams, on the other hand, include him more often than I would prefer- to admit-- and these are not sexual dreams.  In my case, it amounts to the fact that I have "tricked" with very compatible guys, but there has always been an impediment.  Why I am able to attract such hot married men puzzles even me.  The fact is that there is very little chance that I am going to win them over from their spouses.  There are always children involved, so I live in the moment and enjoy them as a gift.  I wish I had a dollar for each time I have selflessly told them to go back and  try to make their marriages work. Damned if they didn't do it!

I digressed.  But before I go on, I want to share a very old joke which may make you groan.  What does a lesbian bring on the second date?  A U-Haul.  What does a gay man bring on the second date?  What second date?   Through the years, I have dated some very compatible dudes, but there seemed to be a major turn-off common in many of them.  They dwelled on two words which really have no place being uttered on a date. Those words are MY EX.  It is very difficult to feel attracted to a date who mentions his EX in every other sentence.  In a few cases, I thought that the EX must have been the Messiah.  Going back to the "joke," many gay men don't have a second date because they focused so much on the EX that the current date felt a need to measure up.  In one such encounter, I remember thinking to myself that if the dude was so damn great why did they sell the house and move to different states!

I had a therapist tell me that I should try to rekindle a past relationship.  This shrink also tried to make me believe that I could probably have one of the married guys on a permanent basis-- that he would leave his wife and kids for me.  That was the most outrageous fairy tale I had ever heard, and I was paying him cold hard cash for this kind of deception.

Point! There had to be a point to this!

My advice to anyone venturing out again on the dating scene is to dummy up on any references to the EX.  The new date has to feel that he/she is being measured against this all-present EX who is mentioned so often.  And for the majority of us who always remember the first crush (or relationship) as being the closest thing to heaven we have ever experienced, try to remember what broke it up-- and use that knowledge and angst to make a new relationship work. 

Just in case you are like our heterosexual counterparts, when a relationship is really "so over," give yourself plenty of time to experiment and really look for Mr./Ms. Right.  And on those dates and forevermore, remove those words "My Ex" from your vocabulary.  After all, we are making the new person in your lives uncomfortable, and no one knows the total story.  Mr./Ms. Ex, after all, had a side to the demise of the relationship too.


NJChoirgirl on August 21, 2011 at 5:19:46 pm said:
This RJ person is funny and always seems to attack the issues well. I hope you are paying him enough to do this blog.

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